Konfirmation systemizing: Revaluing Autistic Thinking – Autism Research Centre residency

‘Joy undivided’

December 4th

Portsmouth – london – Portsmouth

(Portsmouth December 20th)

Woken by dread again at 4 am – starting to slip again without the benefit of nails – I will not let this happen

not my choice

not my choice

not my choice

The cat sits

on my back

in solidarity

later after more dreams on the darkside

I am up

rules of the day

Smile normally

dont let anyone inside

dont let it show at any cost

find out something amazing

Bath

Shave

get ready

Sit at the table and test the new synthesizer that arrived last week – haven’t had space in my head to switch it on – some sockets stiff but after a wire up she sings – repeatedly LFO like.

joy undivided

Dress

head for station with a packet of best behaviour in my torn pocket

the train is a chore

we pass through the dead zone

through a firefly sky arriving late

run boy run to the tube – its hatefully full – I have to collect the painting on show at Guys Hospital – reunited with her – done and out – run back to the Southbank as I can’t face the train

again

Its my actor time now – informing – spilling the beans – I have to get in the right headspace – alien intervention needed – best behaviour but need to tell the truth – its hard as me – its hard not me – devil in the detail

run

Walking in the dark

with headphones

street lamp company

my shadow

escaping in front of me

only half the time

I am glimpsed

as a man of plastic

run

run

I am just late and look around but I have arrived before him – such luck – so wait

wait a matter of minutes and he is here – I have looked forward to this – yes a friend in a sea of strangers

We meet

we greet

we leave

for a quieter venue – maybe in the National Theatre

yes

we find a chair in the corner – I rest her down as he gets the drinks – mine – a coffee with frothy top – I waste time with photographing this captivated by the patterns formed reminiscent of fossil leafs from deep within a coal mine – imaginate

we start to talk

fill in gaps

head bursting with pain

but I came

childhood

tastes

colour

times

aspergers

synaesthesia

chat makes me feel

feel again the past

with fingers

that feel its

Time to go

short but revealingly sweet

we part till 2014 when the work starts

The train return

is pain

home

drink

bed

sleep

please

‘Just an aside’

Portsmouth

November 12th 2013

the Konfirmation fMRI sound works

The Catalogue produced by @GV_Art for Noise and Whispers exhibition

is great and available here

http://www.gvart.co.uk/exhibitions_current.html

You can here the sound here:

https://soundcloud.com/fieldoffragments

and the story behind the artwork here:

http://www.artscatalyst.org/projects/detail/jon_adams_konfirm/

‘Your difficulty’s dont define you’

Portsmouth – London – Portsmouth

November 11th

Today I am taking part in the Debate at DYSPLA – Camden Peoples Theatre: Dyslexia a help or hindrance?

http://www.dysthelexi.com/dyspla-2013/

An easy answer that wont make a long or interesting blog post is – people and social imposition is the hindrance – but im not going to leave it there – I’m often asked if I hadn’t been dyslexic what would I be doing – I’m going to swap dyslexia for Neurodiverse so it covers my autism too as that’s an integral part of my thinking and process – for creative thinking as an artist whatever that means I find it invaluable…..

Yes I was abused at school and maybe just maybe I would have had an easier time of it but that’s not what counts – yes its been difficult because of the effect years of bullying had on me at school and after – yes it did contribute to me becoming a ‘broken person’ in regards to self confidence but it also made me stronger in others.

Now I make ‘because’ not ‘despite’

Thursday

A long day – awake at 5am but didn’t get up till 7 as OH taken unwell – sorting her out to doctors left me late for heading into work – no problem there – in first proper day with new support – welcome.

emails – systemizing – confidence raised – meetings – involved – encouraged – it’s not that hard to accommodate neurodiversity in the workplace

Walk home and notice all traces of the tree have gone except for sawdust – all smoothed over – you would never have known

tear repair

Home – eat – prepare

Time for the train

sit with headphones on and scribble words

it rains

it gets dark

its the slow train

at last an arrival snack

‘After-hours’ underground train is good for my personal space and Warren St station usually not exited on the change towards Cambridge is left behind into the rain – head to Theatre just across the road interchange

Welcome

talk – meet – drink

but unable to have any of the wonderful looking food due to ‘killer allergy’

Chat with fellow debaters – BP a dyslexic artist who ironically was talking later in the day at Cheltenham Science Festival the day I met SBC.

I need to talk 15 minutes – but what should I do? The same talk I give a variation or just do something different – ‘in the moment’ I decide I will do something ‘opposite’ instead – no pictures – an off the cuff performance – Neurodiverve or neuroperverse!

start

order

1 speaker

2 speaker

me

start not as artist but as anti-artist who by a fluke of genetics is not dyslexic – list all the things I never did as I had the ‘bestest’ most perfect time at school

‘never gifted

with dyslexia

by a quirk

of fate

his life was 2D linear

finger pinch

perfect

there was no

life rollercoaster’

its over

questions

lights up

too quick

chat

trains a mess

so

need

to leave

early – disappointment

head towards Warren St

down on the platform I am

distracted

by the granite

it sounds good

fast train home

last train home

without a bus journey

Home

winding down

in quietness

Choosing

which bit of me

creativity

can be

dyslexic

and which

autistic

but the percentage

oscillates

every time I check

light out

‘For a loner rare artist conversation makes a good day’

Portsmouth – Eastleigh – Portsmouth

7th November 2013

An ‘extra’ early morning awakened ‘fear fest’ is calmed by email from New York – A big hello – cheers me

Reviews good – a brilliant Puck

up

tea

reply

its been

a difficult

week

so far

Still distracted by sad news heard yesterday

I sit and think about the day to come and realize I need to talk to the chair of the event later so ring – good chat which also ‘Konfirms’ what I need to say.

Train to Eastleigh

Seated, I watch the rail side for ferns and think of trips during the Cultural Olympiad last year

then fresh air – a brief walk on arrival to the venue and made welcome – a great space

http://www.aspacearts.org.uk/projects/sorting-offi…

Tonight its their first Artists Question Time event and for once I am last on the running order – always first at school with a name like Adams.

Four artists ‘routes to market’ – Chaired by Ellen O’Hara from Cockpit Arts.

http://www.creativeeastleigh.co.uk/eventsItem.php?…

Soon the room fills to capacity and as we get ready I doodle ‘Birds and Stones’ – the event starts – I listen – I learn myself – then one – two – three – then me – we each have a generous 30 mins and 4 slides only sharpens the angles we talk about

I talk total route from school to ‘Konfirmation’

I show the following four images:

1. ‘Redacted school report’ – shown at Pallant House Gallery in 2009

2. An Illustration of Roman Jerusalem from 2003 book commission

3. Copper map of Cornish Granite – bought by John Creasey Collection in 2006/7

4. Brain image from ‘Konfirm’ project 2013

then

Questions afterwards

and as the room disperses

smaller but relevant conversations

We 4 leave for the station in the dark – wait on same 2 platforms – I am 3rd to catch a train

review – learn – think – adapt on the way back

For me rare conversations with artists are rich treasure – for a loner it was a good day in the end

• 
• 

Noise and whispers exhibition at GV Art

Portsmouth – London – Portsmouth

November 5th

The day starts well enough although the cat sits on me from 4am – this is a distractingly regular occurrence.

OH has day off so no alarms at 6am so a rare sleep in till 8 – cats then extort breakfast.

Check CD players and CD’s burnt yesterday – unfortunately as the CD finishes there is a burst of noise – not the sort of noise I want or even in the right place to be ‘part’ of the noise artwork itself – I dress over shorts and head to university to replace files – walking past the tree still laying prostrate like a compass facing away from the winds direction – all the leave dry and silvered – make CDs and walk back – test – still the same – one option – I use usual software and laptop at home – success they play fine and are better quality –

Bad news in the post – there are tears shed

my installation CD player display plays up so pack a newer smarter player instead – late bath – attempt to de-stress badly ready to catch train to London to deliver too

Noise and Whispers

GV Art Gallery London

I have 4 sound works burnt on to the CD – 3 are from the Konfirm project – made from the fMRI scanner noise – samples thru granular synthesis and played and the 4th a ‘private’ work made the same way but the source is more ‘human’ in nature – ‘Le petit mort’ – all made in a very synaesthetic way – felt and sculpted – shaped – an example of positive autistic mind wiring up – characteristics put to use

at the last minute bad news in an email – there are tears shed

The train

Sit in usual single seat angry – lunchtime train so not busy – frustrated by the patchy ‘radio’ dead zone between Havant and Guildford as I try to tweet with ‘issues’ arising – I write watching

Low swoop

crow

Horse mane

flow

Pine wood

grow

Oak stooped

low

Now you all

know

because

I told you so

Guildford 2 get on and sit in row in-front – his coat smells appalling – sensory overload – oil – overwhelming – pull headphones on tighter to no avail – headache brought on by the smell gathers on top of the stressed pain I carry with me.

Here at Waterloo now to brave the underground

Bakerloo line too

Baker street

journey

quite complete

Into daylight – short walk and here – in – recognized – hello’s – shown spot to set up – unwrap – powered – test play – gifted headphones – low drone – action score – projection – looks a good show – all set up celebrate with a grand cup of tea and conversations – joyful place

shy

I say goodbye

annoyed in some way that I am unable to attend the preview Thursday – leave for underground – play with ‘bus thoughts’ but reject and head to Waterloo – train at 6 pm

Bad news by text – bad news as I look in email – there are tears shed

Train leaves but carries my panic with me

part way home a relief solution

home

sit

tea

Be free

Watch the BBC4 – Challenging Behaviors program on ABA and autism – get quite distressed – some will stay with me – normalizing the autistic way of thinking is medieval

i write

I tweet and get many RT’s

touches a nerve

Train me

Like a dog

for treats

Make me

acceptable

in your eyes

Take away

my difference

To please

your conscience

tell me your lies

unable to sleep

stressed by these attitudes of changing – fixing – normalizing autistic thinking – having personal experiences and all the tears today – lay awake till 4:12am

brief tea relief

at 2:45 plan a synthesizer layout before returning to attempt fragments of rest