‘Not naturally present’
Portsmouth: February 4th.
Wake
3.15am with terrified start
3:59am as cat ill down the stairs.
no sleep since
Over a week since the last post – time has seen me swim through some dark places before coming up to breath.
maybe this post is thinking to much – having just written first academic paper on a passing project – its in my system – thinking – examining – felt since Christmas out of my comfort zone – dis-conforming – a week of repeating images i would rather forget and time in Cambridge I would rather not forget – serial life rafts
I.
I.
I.
catch breath explain draw
Its subjective when someone says ‘you have something wrong with you’ – a bit like the work you make – ‘I like that’ or ‘I don’t like that – personal taste overlain by autobiographical personal bias.
I.
I.
I.
I only know ‘life as an aspie’ – for me this is normality – is that wrong – who says its wrong? I have aspergers – i see nothing wrong with me at all – it makes me more of a complete person. I know my ways can cause troubles – literalism – artifactology – precision – truth – which in the wrong places can seem subversive to others – good – personal bias – to others not on the spectrum or less understanding I am socially deficient therefore ‘there is something wrong with me’ – their view – their bias – their experts on themselves only – for me aspergers + advantage – its OK .
draw catch breath explain
A few weeks ago there were stirrings and unconformity in the press over the new portrait of ‘Kate’ – the artist received some battering – some was very personal – what does personal attack have to do with creation of artifact – jealousy? – showing their expertness – dis-opportunism?
If you dont like what they make how is that ‘the artists’ fault?
I don’t know I find it difficult to relate too as to why? maybe my aspergers stands in the way. I make work – if people like it that’s fine – if they don’t that’s fine too – and I have had ‘uncalled for’ personal comment made when someone does not – not not OK – to me – maybe sometimes the artifact should stand alone from the artist in judgement in technical separation – depersonalised – no cult status or attribution – naive – quality another bias – maybe.
explain draw catch breath
I am unwell with PTSD though – ‘amygdala and the wonders of the brain’ – folds and furrow – I admit I have neurological conditions – one beneficial – one not – one aquired and curable – one lifelong lasting.
breath explain draw catch
I do get slightly hesitant at the way others may see this – maybe being an artist is all thats wrong with me in others eyes – when are you going to get a proper job? there are degrees of artist too – I remember a relative saying you should be ‘known’ for your drawing not all this conceptual rubbish – too different – unseen – naive.
catch breath explain draw
So how do I like to be described or labelled? Why do I need one? why define so openly as aspergers? only because sometimes ‘people need to know’ why I am odd. Odd is good – odd is completeness – there is a whole history of accepted and re-habituated British eccentrics- I don’t wish to be acceptable.
In from the cold
A Label: Outsider artist – as I never trained, naive and ‘odd’ I hit the criteria with full marks – maybe I am comfortable with that – never been personally attacked for that one. B Label: Disabled artist – no that’s not applicable – personal attacks. C Label: Mainstream artist – no I don’t find that reassuring – personal attacks.
as long as I can live up to it – Artist is good ‘lifelabel’.
