Friday 6th
Spend the morning writing, seem to have done nothing but writing for months.Unfortunately we live in a ‘world of word' and I seem to have so much to write for this project and for the applications I am submitting that I feel like I am drowning.
It's not so much the ‘obvious' aspects of dyslexia, I can read and write, very slowly, its more the ‘fear' of writing that affects me. This all stems back to the abuse I received at school when I was 10-11. I would have to start to write. Up until that point I had ‘camouflaged' my poor literacy skills quite well. My last junior teacher worked this out and for the next year made it deliberately very ‘uncomfortable' for me with seemingly innocent ‘Spelling tests' and ‘stories'. Each time, I would get ‘special treatment' when work was handed back, verbal abuse, mockery and embarrassment, this is what lost me my confidence in writing and people. I had to hide. Sometimes I feel that ‘writing' is comparable to sticking sharp pins (or splinters) in the ends of my fingers, a feeling I recently physicalized in a piece of work.
The afternoon is much better as I spend the time with a fellow CIBAS ‘creative champion' (see the blog). We discuss past and present influences on our differing practices and work out some ways we can collaborate on each other's projects. I find this exciting but the time passes to quickly, and again I affirm that I will not ‘slip into isolation' again. Been there, done that! 25 years as a ‘home alone' illustrator so I didn't have to meet and work with people.
Saturday 7th
Again I have to write in the morning but at last seem to be making headway. Have to stop at lunchtime and catch a train to ‘Artsway', in the new Forrest. Well several trains! Plan to continue writing on the train, ironically to do with the rail project, unfortunately 4 ‘pensioners' also get on and disturb the whole carriage by playing poker and swearing loudly. Even the music I am listening to full volume cannot cut through the ‘blue' language and I can visibly see everyone cringing and settling lower into their seats. Am not temped to continue, the swearing reminds me of school and feels like ‘loud interference' I am unable to block out.
A final intervention by the ‘guard' stops the ‘blue' element but not the volume, so I move further away. Will remember this incident and make something with the feelings stirred.
Finally get to Artsway, it's their 10th anniversary so have ‘open house' to the studios, gallery and finally a celebratory buffet. Decide to ‘leave' the word ‘tin' hidden within the gallery space to tease the ‘exhibitions' manager. Seems obvious as to why? . Am able to do some networking for and about ‘alternative platform' and find a shared love of all things geologic with the partner of an ACE:SE officer. Promise him some fossils as geology was my first degree and I weave its themes and processes into some of my current work. Return not on the train but with Jan and Chris AKA ‘Caravan Gallery' who live a few streets away. This is very welcome, as I couldn't face the train and creates another chance to have a conversation with other creative people…
Sunday 8th
All I will say about today is …. More writing with no redeeming possibilities.
