ok, I am going to cut out the laboured optimism… Here it is, straight and honest:
…now I feel refreshed and human again (after a bath and short rest).
But I don’t think that I did a very god job with this exhibition. I am not happy about the amount of compromises I had to make.
And I made a couple of ill fitting choices. I know that I like the aesthetic of re-used materials, why then did I use new ones?
It’s creating an incoherence within the already compromised work.
Everyone is too nice about it all. It’s obviously lovely to know you like me so much, but I feel almost worse for receiving nothing but positive responses.
Can not someone at least agree with me that it’s all pretty poor..?
It would console me more if someone just came and told me that I am right, that it’s below standard and that they too hope the next one will be better. Because there is no time for Mickey Mouse attempts at art, there are too many of them already.
Well. I think that a part of the problem is the venue itself, I was hoping to claim the space sufficently with the large projection screens, but since I had to compromise and have smaller ones everything is just too ‘bitty’… The film of course we don’t even need to talk about, it is absolutely evident that it needs filming again, with more film stock (more money) and lighting (more money).. Ideally in a studio (more money..).
The aspect that I am reasonably happy with is that I didn’t give up. Although I am not entirely sure wether that is commendable or plain stubborn crazyness.
The concept, the idea is still one that I stand behind strongly, but it was too hard to work completely on my own, with no real collaborators. The communities / individuals whom I worked with were good to me, and I am certainly not holding them responsible for not helping me more with the process. The real issue is that I feel that I am as much an insular as collective animal and that I missed the collective whilst enjoying far too large a quantity of the insular… I struggle at the best of times to keep a healthy balance but during the past 6 weeks I have reallty felt the lack of an immediate community of which I am part of.
I am not sure what the solution may be. I know that I have to monitor my cine projectors for the next 3 weeks, to save the films from being scrunched up inside them.. In the same time I have 2 further project applications to write and post in time. One for a project in Liverpool to be presented by Mercy and the other a residency in a cathedral which I know I am under-qualified for (…yes, and judging by this work here… – but not much longer, another year or so of continuous application to my work and I should have much better chances..). And I need to make some drawing work. It’s a skill that is getting rusty, so it’s time to re-focus and throw myself into the practice. I love my charcoal, ink, pencils and paper…
That’s where happiness lies, it sits on the line as it forms on the paper, not quite sure of where it will lead next, but it’s oh so seductive to see it appear..
The cathedral and I agreed that opening times may be the best option for my films. I wish I had some volunteers to invidulate the show with me, taking turns.. So it looks like most days I will be there from about 10:00 to 12:00h and 13:00- 16:00h.
It is time that I can use to make some drawings… Because what I am interested in at the moment are gestures, devotional and others. But the folding of hands attracts me quite…
