I love my course, in theory anyway. A huge studio, all the time in the world; if only I could stop standing in my own way I’d be one of the most fulfilled people in the world. Unfortunately time and time again I find myself battling with the man in the mirror over matters of confidence. Its such a struggle to convince myself an idea is worth pursuing that I always end up convincing myself that the idea is unsuccessful before it's even been given any kind of existence.
Having talked myself out of a potentially winning idea, I am left feeling useless, unmotivated and unproductive. It's like I have some variety of blockage against the creation process, a confusion concerning the value and worth the idea may or may not possess. Instead it exists only as a sad cadence, lying untapped in a state of limbo between reality and my subconscious. It makes me wonder how exactly you find the courage to produce; to create and take that step towards to the unobtainable, nonexistent perfect concept, a solution to a problem that doesn't exist.
Then I have the inevitable disappointment to look forward too, with those few concepts that escape this mental vetting; but as they open their eyes nervously blinking into the light of reality only to be met with loathing and criticism – the majority of which comes from myself. I have to tell myself constantly that it is just my lack of confidence, the work that I produce if it were made by someone else is the same work I would probably be envious of, this is the state of my self believe. Just because I have made it I assume it lacks value, sense or quality. This kind of self depredation is something that I have come to terms with, and I know that most people just don’t experience doubt on this neurotic level. Suffering for you art has never been such a real expression.
