On graduating, at 21, 12 years seemed like an unimaginable length of time – more than half my life. Even at 26, on completing my doctorate, 12 years seemed like forever, and the prospect of reaching 38 (and the year 2000) seemed like a far distant possibility.
But my son is 12 on Wednesday, and it seems like just a few, rather stressed and tired, weeks have passed since he was "from his mothers womb untimely ripped" – deep purple and apparently lifeless. Both mother and child survived the experience, but only just.
We weren't in any way ready for parenthood: both on the dole, no money, and optimistically believing that our lives wouldn't be changed that much!
One thing I wasn't ready for was the sudden onset of overwhelming feelings of responsibility. I've seen many men's reactions to this now – everything from outright denial ("I think now is a good time to move to Australia, shame I won't see my child again") to total panic ("I must get a job, and do an OU degree, and another evening job, and another job at the weekends").
Steering a course in between these extremes, so that one's children can get to school in clothes without too many holes, yet one can still have family time, and still grab a few hours of creative time, has been an unbelievably difficult, and constant, balancing act …
Initially I got teaching work, and over the first 2 years found enough time to fundraise 20k for a millennium festival project. But as the project came to completion, I had to give up the teaching work to make way for the project. Then, of course, project over, grant finished, back on the dole, with my previous employer really pissed off that I'd quit suddenly, and not willing to hire me again.
That was when I realised that children, grant funding, and ambitious projects don't mix – not unless you're rich already, or being bankrolled by your partner.
My solution to the problem of finance has been to start a small computer business. Being fundamentally anti-capitalist since my school days, I was reluctant to step into the field of commerce… even though I was doing it with zero capital. However, I managed to quell my conscience by providing a cheap (1/2 market rate) service exclusively to charities working for social change.
The combined price of my principles and creative life is high – I see others in the same business swanning about in Mercs, living in large country houses. But at least, together with my partner's income, we feed the family, clothe the kids and pay the bills … and I still get a couple of days in a good week to work on the art projects, even if most of the time is spent on marketing, admin, applications, etc., etc.!
