there was a time when charlie brooker presented a review of the year through all the bits of broadcast tv he’d found most weird/annoying/out there somewhere. liking brooker’s writing style meant watching this review was always entertaining and a chance to catch up on all the bits of tv we never knew existed.
if brooker wrote his review of the year based on my blog this year i wonder how it might go ?
i do of course now have the voice of brooker in my ear worm. i pause to find some brooker on you tube :
unexpectedly i am surprised at the difference in energy between listening to music while writing and listening to brooker – spoken word is so much slower = reduction in energy.
back to the essential mix of the year …
so where was i ?
i’ve lost my train of thought and the energy that went with that has dissipated as well – so i’ll wander around for a while attempting to get the energy back up again.
i can only speculate about what brooker would write based on my blog this year. being honest with you i did read the first 6 months worth of posts yesterday and this morning i’ve looked through the pictures.
i found a note i wrote for me to read in the future – advice to my future self. actually it was more a reassurance.
being out in the sun is important to me.
in considering what to write for my review of the year i’ve been considering how the title of the blog this year has given me great pleasure – the notion of play being at the very centre of the blog. i am intending on starting a new blog tomorrow and somehow i’d like to retain the notion of play in the title.
oh to beware of over thinking it.
in 2018 i have become a little more aware of how when tired i look at the world quite differently to when i’m rested and free to explore the energy of the day.
taking a lead from the theory of biorhythms – i am going to have periods of feeling good and periods of feeling not so good.
in the last month i have been asking myself the question of are my needs being met ? when stopping to consider an answer i am sometimes unable to clearly identify my needs. i believe this to be part of my disability because being open and honest about my disabled needs potentially will leave me disconnected from the situation in which my needs occur.
i’m afraid to say things because of how the answer might go.
instead i’m looking within to find the answers i need.
in amongst the potential to fall into a dark space i also have a potential to be too eager to do everything possibly available to me. i do seem to have an ability to pick things up quickly and through practice hone, refine and improve.
looking back through my instagram feed today i can see how at times there is stuff i do that after i feel i could have done better and this impacts upon my mental health image of myself. (note to self for 2019 – be easier on yourself andrew – go with the flow and accept how the moment in review will feel different.)
recently having been through a dark time i note that i have come out into the light and once again i feel excited with the potential of things again.
in the above picture is a three axis motion sensor. i plan to use two of these in developing another iteration of the snee snaw. i’m hoping in january to pick up on the invitation from stevie davis to take part in activities happening in her shared space in derby.
in 2019 i believe i need to nuture and help my confidence further. the key word here is believe.
while rewriting the about me section (andrewmartynsugars.me) i was able to admit to myself about how for a long time i had been hard on myself about what i currently do.
playing with the arduino in the last few days i have seen how i’ve moved on in my attitude towards it. it’s indicative of how it has taken me a long while to unpick and let go the attitudes set up from my career prior to the degree. a few years ago i viewed the arduino with a different eye to now. i don’t feel the need to go into details – suffice to say that across the board i am becoming more confident about where i’ve led myself to.
the energy i feel currently is one of a playful energy – not caring about what others think of what i’m doing. if they don’t get it – no worries – we can follow own paths. for those around me that do get it we can try and do stuff together, learn and have fun in the process.
new play boots.
i write randomly based on what went before !
ludic play boots.
a current favourite source of energy.
energy is the key.
in 2019 the non linear project at the silk mill in derby will get more active again. i’m looking forward to getting back into the role of the embedded artist – moving within the project, filming, recording conversations. i sense this to be something that will be a source of much energy.
overall my 2018 has been great. year on tear things are getting better, i’ve done new things this year and am part of things happening in 2019. i acknowledge i have a propensity to mental health problems, most often connected to bouts of tiredness caused by busy periods of working. i’m able to look after myself and get through these to be ok again.
in 2019 things to work at are self belief, confidence and being ok with having fun. accepting where i now am and looking for more opportunities to be with people – accepting the potential for set up anxieties through shyness and low self worth – as it has always been and i’ve always worked through it.
it feels good to be open about the things that drive my needs. i see in this moment that being somewhere that feels safe to say what i need to say is helping me to say it and feel better. in feeling better i can be better.
in completing this blog i need to say a big thank you to the staff at a-n who manage this really invaluable platform and wish you all a very happy and prosperous 2019. xx
