Despite being on holiday I find myself needing to come to this place and reflect upon my attempts to play this week. We’re in northumberland staying in a remote location where the wifi is intermittent. I’ve brought the 360 camera to play with and research what it’s like to use and create with it.
I’ve woken up this morning and it feels like my research has rather crashed and burned.
Why do I feel like this ?
I feel like this because seeing how to progress from the playing for the sake of it to something with meaning is not with me right now. Because I don’t see it – I’ve walked myself into a dark place with the silk mill commission. These two things are totally different and the only thing that connects them is my practice.
I take a moment to step back, look out the window and watch the owner’s dog Timmy sitting in the sun. He quickly gets up and leaves me looking at a bright April morning,
The weather earlier this week has been quite grey.
I look out the window again. Why am I inside trying to work out my I feel unhappy when there is a beautiful day waiting to be explored? Our remote location might be a little too remote. We’ve all learnt something this week.
In writing this I’m connecting with a tiredness. We walked a long way yesterday and had wine last night. I generally have this back of hand to forehead “I can’t do this” or “this is all crap” when I’m tired. note to self – make the image for future quick recognition of the situation.
I sip some tea and sit for a moment.
The feeling of wanting to do something and being frustrated that I fall short is a reasonable description of the manner in which the dyslexia affects me. I often contemplate making work to help others understand this – it as yet is slow to be made.
Along with the dyslexia I think this morning I’ve described how my mental health can be compromised. It’s low level compromise and will pass.
Something else this week I’ve been reflecting about is level playing fields – for want of a better phrase. When I come to a holiday cottage it’s a chance to have a week of level ness. With he owners living on site and going about their thing, I’ve come across at least one situation where the level ness was stacked in their favour – use of an outdoor space that in fairness we did get to experience after a short while.
I sip more tea.
I often have to accept that the effort I would want to put into making something I actually need to put into making myself feel ok. What I might have done today is needing to be put off until tomorrow. I was often teased about being slow while at secondary school.
i often feel alone.
