It is at least another two months before I hear whether or not my application for an artist’s working grant has been successful and I have promised myself that I am not going to make any rash decisions until I hear about that. Over the last few days however I have been thinking through … and even talking through … possible options if my application is not successful. And is has to do with investment – getting an award or grant is a kind of investment, in this particular case it is the arts council who invests in a selection of artists – those that they deem worthy of what is essentially tax payers’ money/investment. There is no prescribed outcome required of the awardee, the grant is made without conditions … ’an act of faith’ if you like … which goes some way to explain the selection process and the responsibilities of the jury.
Making the application can be seen as asking for investment – an input of resources (finance) that will enable development, progress, and growth. Nothing though is guaranteed and as we are frequently reminded the value of an investment can go up as well as down, and past history is no guarantee of future performance. So my making the application I am saying to the arts council that I think that I am worth investing in. Do I really believe this? I mean really really believe this? And if I really really do then what I am doing to invest in myself. Can I expect others to believe in me if I do not believe in myself? Can I expect others to invest in me if I don’t invest in myself?
I have in savings a little over the sum of the artists’ working grant. (It’s not actually money that I have saved rather it is the money that I ’made’ by taking the largest possible mortgage and buying an apartment under the highest possible price.). The money gives me a sense of security … should anything happen I have some means by which to pay for a service or item that I might need. What if rather letting this money sit there in the bank I take it out and give myself an award … if I invest in myself … if I demonstrate to myself that I believe in myself?
If I think that the artists’ working award would make such a difference to my life then surely the same amount from any other source would make the same difference – no? It’s not as if the artist’s working award comes with an exhibition or other form of public outcome, nor does it offer specific networking opportunities. It is simply an investment that each successful artist decides how best to use … from what I understand many give up, or take unpaid leave from, their ’bread job’ which is exactly what I would do. So if I don’t get one of the arts council grants why not use the money that is the bank to do exactly the same thing?
Yes it is a risk. But if I expect to benefit from the artist’s working grant then I should expect to benefit from my own similar investment. In fact as it is my own money there is probably some (more?) pressure to make sure that I get a return on the investment.
Many many years ago I heard something about the point of money … if I remember correctly (and let’s hope that I do!) the point was that is should be in motion – it is transactional … it enables things to happen. And I need and want (more) things to happen!
It feels like a good time … the ’right time’? … to invest in my practice … to invest in myself. Yes it is scary but I think that it might well be time to feel the fear and do it anyway!
As I said in some ways I shall hold fire for two months but in others I shall start to plan my year knowing that I am getting, in one way or another, a significant investment that will enable me to really really focus on my practice, on taking the next step(s). And that is very exciting!
