I’ve just spent 10-15 minutes trying to find the post a new blogpost button on this site. I knew in the past that I had difficulty finding it and because of such I haven’t been here for a few months. I’ve been putting it off, dreading it as it was so frustrating before and didn’t fancy going through it again.
I’ve been clicking in and out. Trying to find help/ support to resolve the issue. A simple thing. Where is the ‘post’ button? And I finally got another device to see if that orange post button appeared somewhere on the screen. It did. Up in the toolbar. Seeing it there, I remember now.
I’ve got my font size so big on my laptop that tool bars and some text on the screen are on other levels, doubled up. Still there but have to be scrolled down to find.
I could feel shame over ageing eye sight, which has recently had black floaters added to it. I could try and disguise it or ignore it but where will that get me.
My son, who recently submitted his dissertation for an MSc in Environmental Health stated in his acknowledgements a ‘thank you’ to his one good eye that made it possible for him to read, and research and complete his work and to continue putting his voice out into the world. Such gratitude for having sight, even if just one eye, puts everything into perspective for me and underlines how important the gaze is.
I keep hitting up against ‘the gaze’ daily. And I’ll get into my recent trip to London in relation to my bursary project in a number of posts to follow ( now that I know where the ‘post’ button is). But for now I just want to throw down a marker in relation to eyes, sight, seeing, the gaze, looking and searching and maybe not really seeing. Refusing to see, blinkers on , a veil over the eyes, prejudice etc.
As a Black women moving through this world I invite the gaze, or the gaze is thrust upon me whether I want it or not, or like it or not. I cannot escape my highly visible invisibility. And I know usually the gaze is not a positive one. But it is only in recent years that I’ve been practicing the oppositional gaze and staring back. Instead of shrinking and taking up less space, therefore going unseen, I’ve been practicing taking uo my rightful space.
The “oppositional gaze”, first coined by feminist, scholar and social activist bell hooks in her 1992 essay collection Black Looks: Race and Representation, is a type of looking that involves resistance and rebellion against the repression of a Black person’s right to look. For me it allows me a freedom or even to be free. It allows me to challenge the gaze. Those feelings of being made to feel uncomfortable and out of place is thrown back onto the other.
‘The other’. That’s another thing for me that has accompanied the development of owning the gaze, owning my gaze, rejecting the label of being ‘the other’ for me and instead choosing to centre myself. I’m the centre. I’m my own centre and everyone else is ‘the other’ in my world. It’s about taking back the power.
This goes hand in hand with this project around archives, records and power. And this is going to be further explored throughout this blog. And the posts will be arriving more regularly from here on out just so that I don’t forget where the post button is.
