A little shy of seven weeks in to my sabbatical I have this fantasy that the rest of my life could be like this – being a full-time artist … participating in art fairs, well paid and interesting projects, being at the studio, having time and energy (?) to apply for other opportunities. Last week I submitted two applications, one for a substantial project here in Uppsala, the other to attend a residency in Denmark in the summer. Soon it will be time to apply for the ’artists’ working grant’, and now that I have time to look at various open call listings I see that there are loads of opportunities.
For me being a full-time artist encompasses projects, bits of teaching, workshops, odd extra jobs such as having been asked to be the installation technician for the upcoming in- and outdoor exhibition in the same building as where the studios are. My aim for the sabbatical was to see 1, if such an existence is viable and 2, if it suits me. Now I have a dilemma … Uppsala County arts department have advertised a permanent half-time post that I have been asked to apply for.
I know that even being asked to apply does not guarantee getting the job … but it has knocked me a bit sideways anyway. Logically it makes complete sense to apply, and accept it if I am offered it – everyone is predicting a tough year and a half to two years for cultural funding, and I personally am sceptical that things will improve after that – more likely we will have ’simply’ adapted and come to accept the new reality, so looking for a regular income makes good sense … it is absolutely the sensible thing to do. It’s just that I am tired of being sensible … being an artist is in itself not a sensible thing to do … being a sensible artist is something of an oxymoron … and my previous striving for it is probably exactly (?!?) what has held me back.
A little shy of seven weeks in to my sabbatical and I am so glad to be away from the local government environment … do I really want to ’risk’ going back into it … even express my interest in going back in to it so soon? I have barely begun to find my own rhythm and routines and here I am considering not giving them the air that they need to flourish. The problem is that I can not guarantee that they will flourish even if I give them time and space … by all accounts it seems that the ground is significantly less than fertile at the moment – and that is something beyond my scope.
The logical, socially conditioned, part of my brain is telling me not only to apply but make it a damn good application and really go all out to get the job. The creative artistic part of brain is feeling betrayed … I promised myself that I would focus on my own practice for the year … that I would look for artists’ opportunities – residencies, commissions, projects, exhibitions … and I already have several things booked in both autumn and next year – something to mention at interview I guess …
The title of the current show at the Hepworth Wakefield (which I now realise closes before my UK trip) is ’If Not Now, When?’, it’s a question that rings loudly in my ears …
