my self awareness of how i struggle to express myself is growing. for example i wanted to share the below picture and when i went to look at it needed to crop to what you see because i didn’t want the room i took it in to be seen.
that might be seen as protecting privacy and yes it is that to some extent.
in working to understand the near stalemate in my practice progressing i see focus as an issue too – like sustaining a focus is a problem. i am more aware of why this is and as yet am to find a strategy to cope with it.
i still am attempting to resolve the disappointment of not be successful with a research degree application. this unresolved feeling is a problem for me.
there needs to be something done differently to alter the feelings associated with all the problems i seem to be creating for myself.
something i want to try is to let go of the thing i am making being perfect at the first attempt. its a really obvious thing to write but i need to write it to get the message through to me. in fact embracing doing that yields less than amazing is something i can do – to let me build on what is made to take steps to make better.
maybe to let go of the pressure to have something i focus upon. i can see the focus i have is on the lack of focus and how that leads me in some visual metaphor around multiple centres.
letting go of the feeling of worth – that what i make has no worth and i shouldn;t be doing it. i have become so isolated and alone that it is now the perfect time to wave arms and try stuff out, as no one particularly cares what i am saying. this is of particualr challenge for me as there is something that holds me back expressing my self. what ever i have said just now, i feel trapped by something i don’t understand. if its fear – its to do with others reactions and something to do with having to defend how i felt at the time of the idea becoming a work. i don;t know.
the main thing is to make some notes that i can come back to.
this might all be about the way i work now.
being open, there’s something about affirmation too. additionally something about wanting to make/create/express in ways that others notice what i’m doing. in being so reserved, i’m currently doing nothing to make this move forwards.
there’s also the intellectual integrity i aspire to have and hold myself back because i self edit even before i start to make the idea.
i see i’m holding on too tight. protecting something – is it protection though?
time to make/create for the joy of it, the fun of it, the experience of it, being in the flow of it.
