Well I think the last 5 days have been the worst I’ve ever had. Every second was dominated by worry and doubt.
This is due to me getting to a point where there are a lot of decisions to make about ‘the future’, and not wanting to choose the wrong one.
It all started with getting a string of bad emails on Friday evening. The first was that the April exhibition in London I was in was being postponed till the following year due to lack of funding. Then some ceramicists I asked for work experience were not able to do so.
A magazine who called earlier in the day were interested in putting me in their April edition, but in their email it turned out that they wanted me to pay for this.
Finally the Arts Council email saying it was unlikely that I would get funding for my residency.
All these opportunities, which would have been a great boost to my practice, fluttered away in a few clicks of the mouse.
The worst was the residency funding as I’ve spent months researching, organising and contacting people in New Zealand and there is no way I would be able to self fund it. The reasons they gave made sense, but after all the other emails it made me start to doubt my work, my ability and myself as a maker.
I think I sat in front of my computer screen for a good half-hour until I realised I had to stop and evaluate the situation. What were my choices, but most importantly what did I want to do?
I made a cup of tea, sat down with a pad of paper and a pen and wrote:
What do I want?
1. To go to the Royal College of Art
2. To travel
3. To improve my making skills
4. To teach
Ok so to go to the RCA I need money, providing I get in!
I can go back to Yorkshire as I have the opportunity to live in a house rent-free and set up a small studio there. I also have a job I can walk back into so have the opportunity to save up, as well as getting on with my own work.
I want to travel, but that costs money and I’m trying to save up.
I want to improve my making skills but so far have been unsuccessful getting work experience, I started researching other avenues, but then it all starts getting expensive.
I want to teach. This is something I’m really keen on, as I love passing on my skills to other people. I want to give kids the opportunity to make with clay that I did not get when I was younger, I love seeing the joy it brings when they realise that they can actually make something out of the sticky stuff!
So I need a PGCE, but that’s another year at uni, more spending, and something I’m not sure if I want to do yet.
So that’s what has been going round in my head all weekend. Then going back into uni on Monday and trying to get on with my work in the studio, with business report deadlines looming, I found it so difficult to concentrate and then…
