10pm

How do you know if it’s a eureka moment or you’ve just compromised your plans entirely and been distracted by something shiny?

I’d imagined something different and I still don’t know what it is. It’s about paper, but what is it about paper? Is it the whiteness?

A few years ago I went to Cambodia and Thailand with a friend. We came across quite a bit of literature about human trafficking and the sex trade. I remember vividly a quote from one such publication that aimed to explain how women were viewed in these cultures. “There is a proverb in Southeast Asia that says, “Men are like gold, women are like white cloth.” With gold if you drop it in the mud it is very easy to rinse it off and it will be as good as new. With white cloth, once it is dropped in the mud it is forever tarnished. It loses its’ purity and can never get it back.” from Not for Sale

Is this true for all women? At our last peer crit I had an argument with a male colleague who’d created an image of a slot machine and called it super slut. I brought it to his attention that while he may have proved that there is a market for his images he cannot disregard the fact that this work is high offensive and degrading to women, classing them as machines to put money into in the hope of a cheap thrill. Literally woman as sex machine. I was not supported by the rest of my colleagues, all of whom were male, on the use of the word slut as a direct reference to the female. Their argument was that you could have a ‘male slut’. Again I felt this proved my point entirely that the word slut refers directly to the female and that to make it male you must add the word male to it. On it’s own it means a dirty, promiscuous woman.

As a Catholic I was brought up to believe we are sinners. On a weekly basis from aged 7 I went to confession to confess my sins to the priest who would absolve me in return for penance which was usually to pray decade of the rosary for the poor children in Africa. This instilled in my the notion that my actions had repercussions and that if I did not admit that I had sinned my heart would be blackened. Indeed my dad used to refer to the process as ‘scrubbing the pot clean’. Has this something to do with my obsession for making white paper from the rubbish I collect in my life?

Not satisfied with using tools to process the fibres I have now turned to using my own body as a paper mill. But my body has not achieved whiteness. Instead my body’s enzymes have contaminated the purity of the white paper and transformed it into a discoloured growing organism.

Then there is the shiny thing that has presented itself today. The roll of film from the pinhole camera has been made into a moving image. I had intended on finishing the chewed paper process and making new paper to print the images from the film onto, creating a cyclical process. But this has proved impractical as the boluses have become lifeforms. They have separated themselves from the process. And now I must ask myself with all these objects and images what is the art?

It has not appeared yet.

I’d intended on going into university today but the last 10 days of 4-10hours of walking has taken it out of me, plus my house is a mess and i can’t do anything when it’s like that. So today I’ve cleaned and tidied and washed and now I’m ready to get on with the real work.

I notice today my quotable ‘Art’s Hard’ has been made into a tee-shirt by a Leeds based graphic designer. I’d buy one if I had the funds but instead i live the quote.

I’m still thinking about the jars. I was nearly sick last night when I retraced my steps and couldn’t find the negatives from the paper eating and pinhole session. Thankfully after today’s tidy up I’ve located them and a cheque for £11.30 which I’d thought had gone forever.

Another welcome discovery was the handwritten notes from kenya hara’s white which I’ve now typed up. In doing so I was re-inspired by his thoughts on whiteness and paper. For him white is related to our understanding of completeness and perfection and making marks onto white is facing up to the possible failure of the act. Those marks which we see on paper we know are there because they have gone through a process of elimination and have been carefully selected.

With this in mind I think about eating white paper. Am I trying to consume perfection? To join it to my body in the process and in that act correct the failures of my body? Allowing the enzymes of my saliva to make the mark completely independent of an aesthetic mind? To go back to my original question what is them meaning of material (paper) in my work?

The act of chewing on white paper can be read in many ways. From Leigh Clarke’s view I am illustrating eating disorders. In particular a condition know as Pica, which has sometimes been a result of nutrient deficiency and a way for the body to signal to the conscious mind that there is a problem. This interpretation was not the intention of the work but the nature of post structuralist aesthetics mans that we can attach whatever meaning we see fit to a piece of work. Although I am not talking about eating disorders I must accept that this is a possible interpretation.

Chewing white paper could also be seen as a protest. Destroying the perfection of a pure white sheet of paper. Using the hardest substance in my body to take it apart and unmake it so that it becomes unusable. In this way it could be an act done in anger, frustration and need.

Thirdly the consuming of white paper could be seen as a desire to achieve perfection. Passing by the choices of the brain in making the marks on the paper and handing over complete control to the body. Again this comes from a need to replace a lack in the body. An acknowledgement of imperfection and the futile act of perfecting it. In a way this has links to the ideas of eating disorders.

And so what happens when I present the work in domestic glass jars. This then becomes a reference to food but also preservation and the glass creates a protective barrier rendering the contaminated substance safe to view and scrutinize. Paper in a jar as a scientific sample and also as a food substance could refer to how the food we eat today is modified and corrected to suit our tastes and most of the time we have no idea what it contains and where it came from. Of course there are the labels but this information does little to aid the understanding of how the food we eat has come into existence.

For me having a special container fabricated for the purpose of displaying the bolus would make the whole process void. Making from what you have, although a little ‘outsider’ in it’s nature attaches the work to the individual. By presenting something that is so personal to me the viewer perceives this personal object and can connect with it as the produce of a fellow human begin.

I’ve spent 8 hours walking the streets and thinking. I’m trying to bring everything together and think about how to present what I have been doing since October.

The walking was for work but it gave me some time in the sun on my own to run through a few ideas. I’ve been collecting glass jars, not as a hobby but the routine recycling that most households have now adopted. I’ve found them useful for storage and last night they came to mind when I thought about how to present the paper bolus.

The chewed paper currently being broken down with enzymes from my saliva are living growths. The plan was to use the paper to print photographs onto but now that they have been transformed I feel I should store them in an appropriate way. The glass jars are sterile but are obviously domestic recycled objects.

I was reading ‘Lucky Kunst’ by Gregor Muir last year and there was a story of how Sarah Lucas made a birthday present for Muir’s girlfriend from beer bottles and cut out red letters. Somehow although I’ve never seen this work and a quick google search has proved fruitless, it’s in my head when I think about the glass jars and chewed paper.

Tomorrow I plan to be at Uni all day, reading , writing, making photographs and getting stuff done and answering the question ‘what is the meaning of material in my work?’

Last night I went to Christopher Fraser’s show at the Artworks gallery in Poole. Apart from a handful of studio-holders at the gallery there were four visitors. Maybe it was because of the sun or that it was a bank holiday but I couldn’t help feeling a bit upset at the lack of support for the visual art in Poole.

At 8pm we went out to drum up some interest and hand out flyers to the people strolling on the quay. The reception we gat was pretty apathetic. Except for one little girl and her grandfather who were two of the four visitors.

What’s the point? Where were all the other artists? students? arts development officers? The only outcome for the show is that Chris will be able to take some good photographs of the work on white walls but that’s about it.

I thought about when I show my work. You have to have a relationship with your audience. You have to have a good idea of why you are showing your work in that place at that time, who you expect to attend the event and what you want them to experience.

Admittedly nobody came to the live art event I put on but for me that wasn’t so important. I had a small audience of other artists who were involved in the project and so had an secondary motive for being there. Because of this very selctive audience we could discuss the work in depth, why we were doing it, where it came from where it could go and why it was important or not.

My other show in sunny Dorset was in November at DIY in an empty guest house in Bournemouth. The brief for the show was to ‘make some money to pay for our course’ so I charged attendees £1 to take a drawing and draw on the walls. I made about 20 quid, not ground breaking but it did mean I could get the bus to uni for free for two weeks and have the odd machine coffee at the canteen.

I don’t understand why with a well respected art college that there is no support for visual artists in the area. It’s not that artist expect to put on a sell out show everytime they exhibit their work, but it would be nice if people came to show that what they are doing is contributing to society in some way. The tourist info office is downstairs, which you’d think would be an advatage but they aren’t interested either. Does Poole just not need or want visual art? And if not why are we bothering to put on shows and events?

A few days ago I was thinking about Utilitairianism versus moral imperative. Are the visual artists in Poole solely motivated by moral imperative? Despite the fact that the residents of the area are not at all interested in their activity, should the artists continue? Or should they just focus on showing work in places where it will be seen or experienced and where the means justify the end?

It really doesn’t encourage emerging artists to make the effort to do anything around here, but despite that we have two young ladies Nicola Morrisson and Sophie Hichtman who are organising The BIG Collab http://bhbeat.com/12137/the-big-collab-bournemouth… Bournemouth. their enthusiam and energy is admirable and their last event, their first came together rather well in the end. The next is on 1st May, they have made a huge effort to engage their audience and have dozens of people helping out to promote it, make videos, write about it, flyer etc. I’m hoping this is the start of a bit of awareness of the arts in this place.

can’t say anything, i’ve signed a confidentiality statement