Mini meltdown eventé
My anxiety has been simmering away all week and finally came to the surface on Sunday evening after a diversion on my way to work, someone being short with me, finally getting home to find out that the so called ‘mobile mic equipment’ I bought off the Internet isn’t so mobile after all. My anxiety is triggered by the pre-performance ritual I go through every time I make a piece of work, the stress of juggling money to pay for materials and technically not really knowing what im doing desperately makes me want a magic fairy to help me. A large Bacardi breezer, twenty Marlboro lights and a little cry later sorted me out. I just sometimes feel very alone and unsure about new work and get frustrated that I don’t know more techy things. I should really be getting some support from the university with my MA piece but they are so unhelpful, which is why I wanted to avoid dealing with them and resolve the work myself. I have booked out space at the studio this week and it was such a relief to move my materials out of the spare room and really have a good look at them in a white space. I felt solace entering the studio and have had a sense of moving the work on which is difficult for me to feel when I am working at home. This is part of my process I need to start the grain of my idea at home to freely experiment but then the work reaches a stage were I have to physically move it to the studio to take it to the next stage. The balloon drop is bigger than I expected so I have made it shorter to make it more in proportion with the length of the display board. This week I need to get my artwork ready for my cardboard cut-out which again worries me as I need to order it on the Internet so who knows what it will look like until it is delivered, fingers crossed.
