(16th September post 2007 continued)
I try to imagine the opposite, believing today that we WILL shoot something, but this feels wrong too – strained – and I realise the trick is to learn to simply be with WHAT IS, and to rest in that present moment, with a gentle undercurrent closer to faith and trust than belief or hope.
We have sat in near silence for well over an hour (maybe two?), it is now light and I am really enjoying shooting the footage] – the details, the scenery, the changing light, flashes of Guido (though it is hard to film him, sat close next to each other, knees touching as we are).
It is impossible to film him from these close quarters, and yet if I were to get up and stand at the door, which would be the only place I could get enough distance to frame him, I would disturb his hunt. So I content myself with the little glimpses of him I can catch in my camera. I notice also not for the first time that he is a very beautiful man. Peculiarly German pale grey blue eyes, very masculine in his physical presence and way, but with a soft, even slightly feminine face and wavy mid brown soft hair – a kind of sexy angelic androgyny.
Through my camera I get lost again for a while in a 'cinematic' version of the reality that is unfolding around me. I realise this is so when Guido alerts me to the presence of a "Bambi" nearby and picks up his gun. I suddenly am aware just how unprepared I am for the actually of an animal killed before my eyes – for the reality of a dead Bambi – and as in my last trip with Guido, the part of me that was vegetarian for 15 years contemplates making an 'accidental' noise to alert Bambi to the danger…
I contain this response however; as I remember that I am here for a reason, I have chosen to confront this issue head on. The surface ripples say "stop it, don't let it happen" but the underlying current that runs deeper and much, much more strongly freezes me to the spot saying "no, watch this, you need to see this".
Not for the first time I see that whilst I can make lots of 'logical' explanations as to what brought me to this juncture – my oft repeated story of "15 years a vegetarian starts eating meat, who always said to herself I would never eat meat again unless I could kill the animal myself well here I am following that up, want also to explore things we are disconnecting from in the city through supermarkets and packaging" etc etc etc – I realise that this is all a front – that there is actually something else compelling me to be here, something that I have not quite grasped yet…
