Monday 30th
Caught up at last:
Worked on starting the new website most of the day and also some admin. Played music till late last night/ early this morning as just couldn't sleep again. Have some important meetings this week and just can't seem to rest….
Have two of the 3 applications almost done and will hand them in later this week. Still feel nervous about handing 'written' work in, gets to me. Big deal. One of the rail companies had a meeting today about sponsoring the project, just waiting to hear. waiting to hear from the other as well as a part time job- maybe why i am restless. Don't do 'change' well. Need it but just find it hard.
Starting to receive invitations to other artists private views, quite exciting as have two to go to this week as it is. Also starting to get collaboration requests from other artists too inc emails from other 'dyslexic' artists just to share experience. Big change for me, always shy-ed away before. Feel practice evolving too.
http://alternativeplatform.googlepages.com/home
Sunday 29th
Take a quiet day again and draw for a bit….
Sat in sun with some paper, a pen and some Korn on CD……
Themes arround blame intreage me. At school my 'deficiencies' steming from my un-diagnosed 'dyslexia' (well it was called 'stupidity' and i was called 'retarded' then) was always my fault. If i spoke well in the class i was always told i was 'lazy' for not handing written work of the same quality in. If i wrote my name wrong or spelt something wrong on a drawing, i had always 'spoilt' the 'work'. One teacher, One incident at 11 stopped me from drawing for 10 years, 'what you learn at school stays with you?' after all they are adults and 'in charge'……. they must be right? Normal fault- always mine?
common amongst dyslexics is low-confidence steming from 'school experience' with teachers. Reverse fault- their fault?
'We dont need no 'edukashon', they do……….'
Saturday 28th
Feel kind of empty today? Been working so hard recently its time for a rest. Do a few drawings on the computer, a small amount of writing then go for a walk. Watch some films later, just to let someone else do the 'picture' work….
Haunted this week: cant get one picture out of my head and its like a slomo flashback during a film. Out, one morning, i watched a 'woman fall'. I was to far away to stop it, her legs buckled and she just fell like a 'demolidhed building', just sinking into the ground. Trouble is she looked at me right in the eyes as she did. Her expression of supprise sharply changed to a 'grimace' of pain, but all in slow motion. 'Eye to eye' contact is normally a strange possibility for someone with 'aspergers' and sposedly a very intimate experience. Allwas quiet, it blocked everything else out but she then 'broke' contact, broke the 'spell' an 'atachment' as she hit the ground and the 'world' shouted back…became apparent and very loud. Rain-traffic- Noise…NoiZe! Found it very disturbing but also calming. She was alright, just shaken but I couldn't bring myself to talk to her the connection had been so intense.
'Look into my eyes', maybe it true that can be more intense than touch? ?
couldn't sleep so many ideas but not enough time or words to record them before they slip away, out of my reach when i eventually drop off.
Friday 27th
Interesting day.
Spend some of it with KG, fellow CIBAS creative champion. We sit, discuss, create and evolve ideas to-wards a collaborative project to do with her (fab) jewelery practice. (watch this space) Am able to help with some sound editing issues and software and maybe some illustration for her. We bounce ideas and am able to share about the 'new body' of work i am developing. This is a stripping back, an 'Unisolation', artists cant work in isolation, i used too, yet another life-lesson. Somehow and ironically these journeys always lead back to 'geological layering'.
I feel 'safe' connecting my ideas with a few select people now, K (and S) being one, i respect their feedback and honesty as stops you developing dead ends and from become 'insular' ( a polite way of saying 'up yourself!)and keeps you in check. This is like 'oxygen' to me, was self-taught to shy away from this contact, all connected to those imposed self-image issues that i continue to work through and wrestle with, but i find that this openness is the way forward. Exciting too as again you never know the way the work or collaborations will progress…..'need to breathe'
Drenched walking home…. ideas don't keep you dry
Thursday 26th
Late night last night so slow start today. Important meeting at 11 about a residency application. Work on an application illustration then walk into the university. Meet with the Dean of Technology about application. Goes really well and the residency outline is sorted. Come away allot happier now i know what is expected on both sides. Felt welcome.
Spend rest of morning , early afternoon preparing as i have important interview at gallery. Pouring down so leave early so i can dry out after arriving, before meeting with the gallery director and exhibitions manager. We sit and chat for a while, goes well and i explain initial submission idea, learn a valuable lesson about experimentation and 'process'. I go with the project that i feel for me is the most different to what i have done before and secure a commitment to be shown at some point in 2008. Really great as this gives me the opportunity to develop and experiment. Learn the difference between an 'open' submission and developing a working relationship that doesn't revolve around a 'fixed outcome'. They acknowledge how far Ive come and the hard work this has taken especially being 'seen', something i have always hidden from. Feel my practice is 'trusted', not a feeling that has often made its presence known until recently.
Stay for the 'artist talk' and then chat with gallery staff and other artist. Invited out after with some of the staff and artists and my DADAR is proved 'so right' again, so don't get in till 12 again……
p.s. Well done FF on your new adventure……
