Artist or just Aspiring?

i talk to much (and also I’m really hungry) so today I’m going to resist the temptation to talk about what I’m doing and I’m just going to share some images.

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Sarah Lucas told Tracey Emin she had better be an artist because there was nothing else she could do – so says Emin in an interview re The Shop she and Lucas opened.

I have usually found a sense of pride in choosing art rather than needing art. Am I being a little ignorant (and indeed arrogant)? Are the only people who are likely to persevere and wrestle with being an artist those who need to make art work for them?

I’ve been thinking a lot about what to do next – every artist’s million dollar question, or perhaps just mine.

I have never been one of those people who ‘always knew’ I was ‘meant’ to be an artist. Before I wanted to be an artist, I wanted to be an art therapist. That (and because I enjoyed art at school) is why I went off to gain a BA in fine art.

I credit the fine art course at Lancaster University with me wanting to be an artist now.

Now I really want to be an artist but realise also that I have be realistic about what that looks like. As far as I’m aware, even practitioners whom I would deem successful rarely earn their sole living from their making.

The big question is whether to pursue a safety net or not.

I have been wondering whether now is a good chance to start working part time towards qualifying as an art therapist (it would, after all, take three years part time). I have the means (just) to fund it without taking out a loan and I’m in a great geographical location to do it. Assuming I worked hard enough and remained convicted enough (big assumptions) I could theoretically continue with my practice in part (small parts, I think, because I’d still be earning my keep part time).

Enough waffle – in short, I think I could just about start training and still keep making a little bit along the way. Then, in the long term, a part time ‘career job’ could go a long way facilitating my art making as well as offering me some much needed structure and stimuli and contact with people.

However if art isn’t the only thing I can do, like it apparently was for Emin, will I ever be one of the surviving practitioners who wrestles, confronts and endures the rocky road of being an artist? Already when I hit the inevitable low that follows each roller coaster high I scout legitimate time-passers that allow me to avoid confronting the dips.

If I had a part time ‘career-job’ would I have too many legitimate escape routes from my studio and would I ever push on through to becoming an ‘successful’ artist?

Does anyone have any experience/input/words of wisdom to offer to input…?

The Cushion is thinning. I’m so grateful for my residency – so grateful. The time and space is invaluable and I know that.

Last year The Cushion served me well. 1st year post BA in fine art there is a LOT to learn – thrust into the ‘art world’, hugely in isolation, for the first time with no institution reassuringly backing me – luckily the expectations are graciously low.

In fact, after meeting Matt Roberts (a hero) briefly last year, one of my key objectives for the year became to realign my expectations, prepare myself for the long haul, not expect instant success and even begin redefining how I perceive success.

But the cushion is rapidly thinning and I’m ‘catching the fear’ so to speak. I’ve already had half my time in the residency – HELP! – and it’s hard to quantify what I’ve achieved. I’ve developed lots of new work, yes, but have no quality marker for it and I’ve not got it ‘out there’ yet.

I struggle with Big-fish-in-little-Pond v. Tiny-little-fish-in-BIG-old-pond syndrome. The former is far more comfortable. I am the latter. In fact the pond couldn’t BE any bigger and I couldn’t feel any smaller in it.

To make matters worse, I’m hopeless with balance.

I used to resent that I wasn’t laid back but now I’m learning to be grateful for my drive &motivation. At least it keeps me working. But the down side of being driven (&competitive) and not being good with balance is that sometimes I get to be obsessive. My GCSE and A-level years were spent slogging at my work to prove myself &it came at a cost.

So now I’m afraid of over-committing time. I’m so frustrated with myself. The residency is really generous with time &I’m sure there’s so much more I could do with it.

I remind myself of a Bible story – a worker trusted with money but so afraid of loosing is he buried it instead of investing it; taking a risk, allowing it to multiply. Don’t get me wrong, I do work hard – but I’m missing the boat somewhere. I need to be getting OUT more, more private views, applying for internships, risking rejections with competitions etc. more, more, MORE! I need to do more. I need to take risks.

Makes me think of a poem, I think by William Arthur Ward, called Risk. Here are some lines from it:

“To laugh is to risk appearing a fool,

To weep is to risk appearing sentimental….

To place your ideas and dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss….

To live is to risk dying,

To hope is to risk despair,

To try is to risk failure.

But risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.

The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing.

Also, I’m afraid of getting lost and feeling lonely in the BIG POND.

03/11/2009

A group of year 10 girls have just spent the best part of an hour in my studio. It’s fun to see how they connect with my ideas and watch them process what it looks like to be an artist.

Art in the ‘real world’ is so different from art at school. I’m glad to be millions of miles away from the performance of GCSE and A-Level art where I felt pressure for every page in my sketchbook to look picture perfect. I’m proud of my ‘sketchbooks’ now, scraps of found papers all bound together in various ways. They document important moments where I find myself in a different world and I just want to ‘draw’ – not draw pictures, but draw ideas.

Included is a photo of my latest drawing (yellow paper).

The idea developed over 4 pages of scribbles following my 30 Seconds of Idea in Room3 (ref last blog entry) and I’m quite excited about it.

I’m hoping to exhibit in Peckham in February and am keen to develop my project in a direction that not only reflects an autobiographic interest and exploration into the notions of Home but possibly gives voice to some other people’s experience of home. I found that last sentence hard to spit out, it feels arrogant to assume that I’ll be able to ‘give voice’ to anyone or that I’m in a position to do so – but for now, perhaps we can assume that I will end up in a position to do so (before February), if I’m not yet.

So what I’d really like to do it make work that responds to what Home means when Home is living in one part of one of the local estates in Peckham. I’ve invited the kids at RMS to input into my ideas and one of them suggested theatrical readings of dramatic stories about home on the estates – but I know for certain that I do not want a performance. I want something really authentic and am trying to develop my ideas in a way that don’t assume a certain response to what Home may look like. Maybe the tone will end up more ‘I’m proud of my home’ than ‘gosh, home is a really hard reality.’

So this drawing demonstrates the latest development of my idea. 60 cardboard boxes (I bought them on ebay today – it feels crazy BUYING cardboard boxes!) with windows and doors cut out, but re-presented in a different context, different scale, different positioning etc.

At the moment I’m thinking the boxes will be green…. That’s because of the history of where my project has come from. No time to fill that in now, but a few pics.

Anyways, gotta run – once again trying to juggle time. Struggling with working for myself and other people legitimizing me not wanting to be flexible with time spent working for myself. Also, I’m trying to function with the discipline of 500 word posts! 498 today.

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28/10/2009

I’ve been trying to up keep a blog on blogspot.com tracking my residency at the Royal Masonic School. I find it hard to keep up with blogging. I’m easily over ambitious with. Nevertheless, I wanted to join this blogging community because it’s where I turn for virtual community when I most need to ‘connect’ with other artists.

I pick up this blog half a term into my 2nd year in the residency. The adjustment away from being an art student to being an artist has felt slow for me &it’s only in this 2nd year that I’m beginning to grow in understanding of the ‘art world’ &consequently gain confidence. I’m still stumbling around the art world in partial blindness but I can navigate my way around better than I could last year.

I thought I’d write about half term – a week away from responsibilities that pay my keep. Whilst others planned trips home, holidays in the sunshine, a week of rest etc, I boasted heroic plans of a week spent ‘getting on with my own work.’ Things have felt like they are going well recently with my project so I had high hopes for this week.

Suffice to say, three days into half term, &my bubble is fairly well deflated. It’s been an anti-climax week, characterised by lack of motivation, two many sittings of This Morning &Loose Women &a battle with the value of my practice. I feel crippled by the lonely weight of working for &by myself.

As much as I find the technician jobs at the school under-stimulating I take for granted that they offer me time in the real world, adding a touch of structure to my life. This week has been lonely &I’ve found myself escaping into London just to have people around me.

Yesterday I went to see the Pop Life exhibition at Tate Modern. I knew I wouldn’t like it, but I’m glad I went; it’s quite a significant exhibition. Today I went to see the Turner Prize exhibition.

While I was in room3 I was struck with an idea for my own practice. I don’t know where it came from. I can’t draw any connection what-so-ever between what I was looking at &the idea that came to me. But I think it could be an interesting development for my project &when it hit me I drew a deep breath before my sigh of relief. The tube journey into London today was spent fighting back tears because I felt so deflated but the 30 seconds of Idea came like food for my Making-Soul.

Perhaps tomorrow will be a good day, a day I can spend making in the studio. Then again, I thought that about this entire week.

If not … there’s always Loose Women. It is the holidays after all. Also I have a trip to New York that I can start booking and planning.