In my last blog post I talked about a slight wobble. It’s been an extraordinary time in my life to discover (at this late age) that I’m autistic. Mainly it’s wonderful, and only occasionally not. Wobbles occur when I realise how many misconceptions still exist, and I worry that people might think differently about me than before. I tell myself that this will be their problem and not mine.
So I’m glad I decided to make my neurological status public knowledge. I feel this will help the cause of neurodiverse artists specifically, and have been delighted to contribute to a really great piece on this subject by Neil Ayers, featured in Creative Review.
Mostly, I feel privileged. I belong to a relatively rare group of people who process information of all kinds in a different way. The idea that what I’ve considered ordinary really isn’t is interesting to me and I want to explore that. I’m reluctant to feed into myths about autism by saying it sometimes feels like having secret powers, but actually it does. Knowing that you arrive at solutions from an entirely different angle makes your perspective valuable and can be considered one of our strengths.
Of course it’s not quite always like that and I’m aware of the downsides too.
Yet I begin to notice that my sensory life is radically different to the norm, and for my work as an artist it’s a complete boon as I’m hypersensitive, meaning I experience most sensory data acutely. Thus I’m intuitive and tactile in my artistic explorations and can make speedy connections, which contain a logic beyond thought. I know I can rely on this in my practice, along with my ability to lend intense focus to everything I put my hand to – as long as it interests me.
I’m also coming to terms with the need to process this experience fully – and how this has temporarily derailed my current projects. Autism Acceptance Month has also provided many distractions. There are just SO many wonderful articles to read and programmes to catch up with.
There are also causes for concern. Finding out about a new memoir which suggests transcranial magnetic stimulation as a potential “treatment” for autism has led to a four day diversion. Reading the book and blogging on The Other Side, ensued. I couldn’t let it pass – I had to investigate and speak out.
I am also a carer for other autistic family members and it’s been school holidays. My studio gathers dust, while I await for structure and resolve to return.
I’ve loved my neuro-holiday. I’ve needed it. I’ve needed to assimilate, regroup and am now ready to press on.
One development over the holidays has been the slow transformation of the family home into an aesthetic extension of my studio space. Suitcases pile up, dried roses gather and the paintings regroup around the walls. New paintings fresh back from the Brain Dancing exhibition join older pieces. I tell myself I have no storage space at the studio for these works (true) but also I’m enjoying looking at them in this context.
Living with works is a double edged sword. Eventually you stop seeing. But for now it’s great.
