I wish I could scream & shout…
Tonight’s rehearsal is somehow quite revelatory. This piece won’t be easy to make. I started properly to work on it last week, juggling with thoughts about its central theme, talking to friends about it, browsing some online resources to open my horizons. I felt quite hopeful at the time. Then started the making process this week, going to the studio for a series of 3 rehearsal sessions to explore some ideas, focusing on head movements. Thursday went well. I thought I was on something interesting and that it would take up to the second part of Friday’s session, if not until the end. It didn’t happen that way and left the studio on Friday night with a deep feeling of frustration.
Today was worse. There’s no response at all coming from my body. I don’t know if it’s the space I’m rehearsing in or my frame of mind but I just couldn’t find any triggering movement to explore. Andf when I tried to come back to the previous task, it didn’t feel fluid or accurate. It actually felt rather random and clinical. A worry that came gradually as I was finishing Thursday’s session. While I liked the idea of it and the image this sequence of head movements was projecting, it didn’t ring true for some reason, in the context of the piece. It didn’t seem to come naturally from my body but from a logical interpretation of what my body should do and/or experience. Quickly, the same question started nagging me: Am I shying away from the original idea of the piece? Am I taking an easy route?
The same question kept coming even louder during today’s rehearsal. So far, the answer is simple: I made a quick decision about which direction to take this work into thinking pragmatically rather than artistically. I’m trying to follow conventions and rules which are completely unknown to me instead the method I’ve created for my practice. By trying to make a dance piece in a traditional sense I’m allowing myself to take risk with the subject nor that I’m giving myself some proper space to lay down my opinions. As result, I’m trying to mould myself into the cast of a contemporary dancer instead of letting my body do the talking freely. It might have to do with the pressure – making this new piece of work is actually a big deal, personally. It may have to do with the fact that my interests, performance-wise, seem to lie somewhere else – I’m rediscovering the pleasure of using words and body language. It’s to do certainly with the changes within my body – its motion is different than what it used to be and I haven’t connected with it yet, so I hold onto what I know about my range of movements.
If I can break away from this will to make a “pure” dance piece then I’ll be ok. The piece will still be a difficult one to make but at least, I’ll have some scopes to rely on, if I get stuck in the process. If I keep focusing on movement without, putting them into context then little will come out of the process and I’ll probably have to scream and shout before coming up with an emergency plan!?
Tomorrow will be telling! I’m thinking of going to the sudio for a couple hours to start afresh. If not, I might just go on an observation trip around town. It’ll probably do me just as good…Wish me luck!?
