Budding and Believing

Reflecting on the times I am having now, it is clear to see that what I do need to do is organise and manage my days better, much better.

Asking for help is hard. Having a mental illness and asking for help is even harder. What truly helps is having company and not being alone. Yet with so many friends I see very little of them. I need new friends!!!

My newest updated V-Log link was a little more happier in tone. The folk I need to credit is number one my Mum, and Allie for the gift of volunteering for the Brownies and Guides (and the most needed hug!).

Still struggling to contact the IDT, implemented delivery team, i.e.. the mental health treatment centre. It is sad that as desperate as I am they are so inefficient and even after my Mum has called them still no nearer. At least the PIP consultation was cancelled and yet I have just received today the new appointment came through and it does feel really sad, but I hope that I will have someone decent to accompany me to it from the IDT.

During this time with my Mother, I have realised how valued and loved I am, she came, she took me out, spent time with me, we all had fun, she helped me out with living things and bought me some lovely red roses and items from the Dress Circle Shop up the road from me. We had a nice cup of tea at mine, just me and my Mum.

Time is precious and I haven’t realised recently as to how much I love her and rely upon her, and of course how much I Love her.

Loving ones’ Mums is vital. Having a childhood without harm is very rare and I am sad to say my childhood was far from ideal. It was sad. It seems just like my relationship with my Dad became better, so it seems is my relationship with my Mum.

Being a good role model is something I must urge myself to focus upon and devise clearly the way in which I can achieve these qualities. One of the things I plan to do is to create a ‘cool reading space’ I saw a lovely image of a gorgeous cushion and fabric ‘tent’ space for sitting and relaxing in.

http://howbenefitgalworks.tumblr.com

I have decided to do some V-logging in YouTube, on top of all my blogs. This is proving to be very soul-bearing at the moment as I am going through an absolute low with my Bipolar Disorder. Its horrendous the situation I have in not being given help. The reason I believe is because I am so high functioning compared to many mentally ill people, I need extra support to get to where I want to be work and health wise.

The issue many folk don’t get is that ill health like flu or infection you can get over with the aid of your immune system, it attacks your system so much you cannot lift a finger. Well mental illness is a bit like that, your whole body is under attack, and just like flu there is a death rate.

On Friday I felt so depressed I was planning to kill myself.  I hit rock-bottom. And in fact I realised that on the way to the Doctors surgery that there was something greater keeping me going, not sure exactly what it may be, it does seem to spur me to carry on going. I like to think it is my faith in Christ.

Watching v-logs and blogs by Zoella who is a prolific teen-appeal, commercial diarist and her style of writing in her books is particularly open and particularly happy. I like that a lot. Not everyone is happy all the time, neither is anyone depressed in every moment of the day. I do wonder whom my v-logging will pertain to. In lots of ways there are many people who create art works within a certain frame work and defined measure. In my practice it is about admitting or not admitting something. Recently I attended a Pacitti Company Library Reading day at their Think Tank. It made me reflect upon one of the books’ works on reflecting on ‘Receptiveness’ from which this v-logging has come from. The challenge, when I have enough followers will be to invite questions and respond.

So that is my challenge digitally.

This is my challenge in real time:

I aim to complete the Arts Building Book, all the images I have are established in the documentation and soon it will be ready for the UCS team to be involved and sponsors. And on my own writing I have begun the timeline for the auto biographical How Benefit Gal Works which is documenting my time from psychosis and the utter hell and the amazing journeys I have been along which have led to me being where I am now. I hope to have them both published and sell loads of them!!! well that may be possible, just get it out there.

Coming up is a long awaited collaboration with a friend who I know through my time in UCS and I am looking into ACE funding so that we can both have support throughout the process due to our disabilities. The SPILL Festival Tool Kit has proven very helpful in planning and organising ready for the work to be made.

Please take a look at my video and keep posted on all my blogging!!

I have been reading Grayson Perry’s ‘Playing To The Gallery’ which is fascinating reading, there is a whole science to selling work and being part of a ‘scene’.

By being more lucrative and proactive in getting custom, that will be vital to my survival as an artist.

However at the moment I need some steady income and this will be imperative to implement as soon as possible, I have tried so many times so many interviews. Just to pay the bills and work in a professional environment will be positive for me and I am totally enthused about work.

The past year has been tough and my ill health has been integral to my inability to work through what I had to do last year. It is hard to manage mental ill health, my ailments with my knees, finger, blood clotting disorder and my neurological condition under investigation. It is surprising how many people who suffer with sleep paralysis and have not known what it is.

It is tough being disabled, seriously tough and my book I am writing, ‘How Benefit Gal Works’ will be something which will enlighten and create an interesting point of view other than the nosey cameras of ‘Benefit Street’ it is a struggle, and I would not be where I am now, a better place had I not had benefits. My blog howbenefitgalworks can be followed on tumblr.