I’m giving an artist lecture tomorrow.
Today I woke up and decided I’m not going to talk about E anymore after this post. Users use everything, including people. I have to let go of what I thought it was, because it’s not that anymore. It’s time to accept change and move on. I have a lot of love in my life from friends and family and feel supported. I can do this.
I felt really sick this morning. I think I ate something bad, it had me doubling over in the street. It looked and tasted good but something hasn’t agreed with me.
McDonalds is bad, we all know this. It was time for a burger though. They actually deliver it to the hostel! The large fries was only half full, everything was stone cold and they didn’t provide a straw or sauce. I told the reception here, she smiled and said ‘that’s the Chinese way’.
Yesterday I ate with my artist friend Teri Frame. Look how beautifully presented the food is.
The caretaker just placed a curly incense stick under my table and smiled at me. We smoke together and stay up until the early hours. We communicate through gestures. I think he’s aware that I cry a lot, so maybe this was a calming gesture. Either that or I smell. I just made myself laugh.
I walked to the Education Centre and I’m now having private throwing lessons. I’m a slow learner but it takes my mind off of things. I think this is going to be something I want to pursue, along with the possibility of writing a book. I need to start focussing on more positive things. I’m giving an artist lecture this week, so I’m busy preparing for that.
Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, I found out that my mother is in a hospice. Apparently she hasn’t got long left to live. I sank again and walked around town filming and talking to the camera. I felt lost. I won’t go back to the UK to see her. She wasn’t around in my life due to heroin, alcohol and other users. I cannot go to either of them. Now it’s time to focus on myself, make some pots and breathe. That feels like such a crazy thing to write right now.
I’ve worried a lot about being so open on here but my friend Lisa reminded me that it takes strength to show weakness. She also told me that she believed all hard ties are coming to an end for a fresh start. Everything closed, my job, relationship and home. I got funding and packed up everything. It feels like life closed everything in my life and pushed me away, in another direction, to protect me. I hate to think how I would be if I had stayed and continued to push through it? Imagine a strong tide and trying to standing tall, eventually you will have to surrender because it’s too exhausting. I give up on trying to fix other peoples issues now. I am ok and keeping it simple. I think it’s important to let you in on all my internal dialogues while I travel and not only focus on ceramic histories and techniques but on people and places.
I was offered some teaching work, a year one tutor group at a University that’s very close to my heart! So things are starting to look up. I know I am a great teacher, the feedback about my energy, commitment and my practical and critical input has always been excellent. Good things are beginning to happen again, now that I’m detaching.
Last night I went to an artist talk at the Pottery Workshop Education Centre. I met a lot of artists there, including a few Americans who are resident artists here. During the talk I kept trying to focus on her work but intermittently imagery kept coming in frames of E sleeping with men.
After the talk we went to the nearby cafe. I felt a bit of light relief as I had discussions about teaching, throwing and slip casting. The people here are so friendly and calm. I laughed a few times. This is why I am here. I need to leave everything else behind as I am powerless and it is done. I wonder how my mother is? I wish I wasn’t doing this all with such a heavy weight inside of me.
Clay pots seem so irrelevant right now. Potters in their studios and in the street seem so calm. I can’t remember the last time I felt that calm. I want what they have and I’m going to get it. I was on the phone to a friend for hours last night. She is also leaving her partner as he is (was) E’s using friend. So we have actually been going through almost identical situations at the same time. We need each other because nobody else really gets it. I feel like it’s something straight out of the Jeremy Kyle Show.
Whenever I see something beautiful, it emphasises my low mood. When it’s sunny and bustling, it makes me feel more alone. Maybe a lower mood makes some of us more reflective as we can miss a lot when rushing about happily (that’s sounds so emo). I woke up late this morning; I’m finding it really hard to get up. I rushed out to get to the education Centre where they were demonstrating throwing techniques. They all stopped for lunch and I thought I’d eat alone.
As I walked along the porcelain markets I started crying. It’s all just hit me. What am I supposed to learn from losing a man that I loved so much? I think it’s the way it ended that leaves me so traumatised. I walked into the local restaurant and sat on a table at the back. Then I started crying uncontrollably in front of everyone. My head was hung low and I needed a hug. All three waitresses came over and asked if it was the service or restaurant that made me so upset. I looked up and smiled. That was really sweet. I ordered dim sum and a banana milkshake. People here spit a lot. They hack it up and spit it out. A man right next to me did this in a restaurant.
My chopstick skills are getting good now. Gratitude. I need to think of all these things I am grateful for. Not many people have such opportunities. The sooner I forget about it all and let go, I will be closer to finding peace. I think I’m still in shock, how can he hide such dark secrets? I’m going to have to go for another sexual health test when I get back.
I spoke to a ceramicist here in Jingdezhen today. She practices yoga and has had a turbulent life with her alcoholic brother. We spoke about this for a while and about ‘loving them from afar’ or ‘letting go with love’. I finally understand it, to protect yourself and not dancing with the madness of it all. She told me that the wheel (potters wheel) carries her through the darker times in life. You focus on the now, centring yourself and the clay, breathing and creating. Any of you throwers out there will get what this means. I’ve seen many people throwing at all times of the day and night, focussed and calm.
I am thinking about vessels and the philosophy behind them.
Walking around town is inspiring, so whenever I get low, I walk through all the back alleys and watch people work.
The Throwing Olympics. Everyone was excited, with competitions such as throwing the tallest or widest bowl or cylinder.
I wonder if you find the photo below slightly suggestive?
Conversations with Clay.
I went to the Tai Xi Chan Museum to see their collection and to go to see two American artists and lecturers discuss their work. Trey Hill and Blair Clemo talked us through their processes and contexts.
These topics were raised:
How do we evaluate value?
1. Material value. Value that is inherent to material.
2. Skilled craft and hand labour.
3. How does an object interact with specific cultures?
4. What are symbols of value? Blair discussed the ornamental and the functional.
5. How does our perception of food and drink change, considering the status of the vessel?
6. What happens when you reveal flaws in your work?
At the end a student stood up and asked the question
‘What is Art?’. This silenced everyone for a moment and then people began laughing. it’s such a vast area to discuss and people are afraid to try and pin it down. I think ‘Art’ where a work proposes questions. Art is not an answer specifically. Contemporary Art will pose questions about the present, possibly in relation to the past. Ok I’m going to stop there or this will go on forever.
Blair is covered in tattoos and makes opulent decorative pots. He showed us his processes with a stop motion video accompanied by a heavy metal soundtrack. This is his living room at home.
Here are a few shots of the museum, it’s pretty impressive.
This is the ‘no contact’ period. We’ve all done it. It’s going to be best for me. Everyone keeps telling me to let go and they tell me how strong I am. How do you know if you are strong or not? I don’t feel it. I know this is it now. We’ve broken up before for a few days here and there but this is different, it’s final. I can’t go back after all that, never again. He won’t be facing the pain yet, covering it by self medicating. By the time he does face the consequences of his actions, if ever, I will already be free. Last night I rolled my duvet into a figure shape, closed my eyes and imagined I was back at our flat, holding him, before it turned into this nightmare. I woke to the sounds of my friends breathing machine and the other girls in the dorm sleeping and sighing.
The nights are really hot and mosquitos are attacking me constantly again. I stared at the ceiling and wondered how it would be if I wasn’t away when found all this out? I think I would have been out of control. When people break up, they usually mope at home and wish they could escape. I have escaped but as we all know, you can’t escape your head. It takes time. Nobody wants to face the healing time and the reality of their situation. At least I’m not drinking or taking drugs to cover the pain. Facing the pain is the bravest thing to do and then it takes less time to heal. What’s the point of being alive in this world if you are in a different reality every waking hour? The Walking Dead springs to mind.
My eyes are beginning to open and things are becoming more vibrant. Look at this incredibly beautiful life and all the interesting people in it.
