confined and isolated

so about 7 weeks ago i didn’t fully appreciate how all the rapid alterations to my life and social world  were affecting me – my response was to set up this blog –  a self proclaimed residency and for a while i was able to keep that narrative up.

it helped me to talk about the whole thing slightly removed – almost fantastically.  it helped me to present research findings in a separate method from the annual blog  – at the time this felt really needed, i wanted the initial covid-19 time to be easily located in the future.

in those early days i was terribly in denial.

what was real was the research – i was able to be in the moment, totally absorbed in following through thoughts, responding to what i saw.  through the making i was able to ease myself through and i’m starting to be able to look back at it now.  if asked to describe it or talk about it, i’m not sure yet how that would be.  maybe the further we all get away from the current situation the clearer and better understanding of it we’ll all have.

updating this blog proved difficult in april – the grief i was holding started to emerge and be worked through.  i started to acknowledge what i was experiencing.

there was the non linear nature of grief and to be honest it took me by surprise just how deep i became with it.   there were a couple of days where i was unable to work.  i notified those who were waiting on what i was working on – they were so understanding.

returning to the residency narrative briefly – i was able to do some really beneficial research and later this week i’ll reveal what this has lead me to.

i feel excited today as i prepare for something new and exciting !

finally i get time to sit and reflect on the residency so far.  i say finally – there’s quite a vibe around the building, those here can be quite fiery so the days pass with their own uniqueness.

as well as the research there are some really beautiful social moments.  breakfast time has had a couple of highlights this week with some scrummy boiled eggs and a date outside for breakfast with coffee .

in terms of what am i researching within the residency – it’s open at the moment.  the whole thing has come about so out of the blue that i’ve gone into it  with a very open mind – to see where i might go.

there has been some consideration about the nature of confinement and isolation.  being a prisoner has come to mind.  in that situation the confinement is as a punishment.   so far this is not a punishment so the nature of confinement is very ambiguous.  isolation – again the classic film vision of this is steve mcqueen with a baseball – is that the great escape ?   so apart from filmic script or as a result of a punishable act – confinemnt and isolation are constructs i don’t have much day to day connection with.

the open minded approach needs to have outcomes along the way – otherwise i’m concerned that this period of time will pass with nothing new to show.

i’ve tried responding to the first inclusion mix.  it’s set me up on a particular path that is also yielding images i’m pleased with.

my zoom meeting appearances are also being enhanced by images from the residency.

as well as the zoom meetings and time spent researching, i have been able to get out and about helping to the walk the dog.

thursday was a bad day for me.  i got news of another project changing their mind – two months worth of income disappearing in an email.  i’ll be honest with you – it really got to me.

there’s help available so my plan after this is to look that up and see what’s possible.

i’m still processing the feeling – it’s akin to grief –  and trying to carry on.  in the coming weeks i don’t yet know how long this residency will last.  it seems opened ended and all concerned aren’t bothered that it is.  so while this is prevalent i’m continue doing what i’m doing – seeing where it takes me and responding accordingly.

considering for a moment if i’m happy with all of this – i can see that the research i’m doing is to some extent responding to my own personal needs to feel safe and ok.  as yet no one has called me out on this.

the residency continues …

nearly at the end of the first week, been settling in and finding my way.  taking stock of the resources available and who might be up for some collaborating – there others here with me, all with their own focuses.

this morning the unbounded nature of the residency is sitting with me.  i’m thinking here about not knowing quite how long this is going to run for so it’s difficult to make plans for what to make / how to respond within this residency.

it’s been set up very loosely so i feel i can explore and experiment to some extent.  coming into it i did explain that i have some other on going projects i need to keep feeding.  this was fine and i’ve accordingly been dividing up my time.

we got off to a flying start on monday, the short initial briefing setting up the space followed by some music to chill to…

where the residency is happening is really well stocked with resources.   the exercise options are good too.  early doors i’ve started my research along the lines of how might i use my exercise time to inform something.  to be honest i’m not to sure what i’m doing so following a gut feeling for now and see where this might lead me.

listening to the live mix has connected me to an idea i’ve started many times before yet never really resolved as the research made fizzled out due to various reasons – mainly that it didn’t light me up enough to continue with it.

in the early days of this residency the available 360 camera tweaked my interest.  i’ve continued to research and explore with it as the week went along.

with the residency being all a bit hastily put together and all that went with it i’ve been feeling a little stressed, this has affected my sleep that in turn has been affecting my stress.  doing some reading about cortisol has helped to ground me.  i’ve known about cortisol before we started this,  it was mainly to gen up and reassure myself.  the article i read cited music as a good way to help reduce cortisol levels.  cortisol is connected to the primeval fight or flight response.   just saying.

this morning while looking through some more of the resources i connected to the feeling of de motivation.  i have seen this in a few of the others within this confinement.  it’s been slow for me to feel it.  i have this morning.

so being kind and gentle on myself i am going to pursue the reawakened generative visuals idea.  the idea is very much about being holistically at one with the senses, immersing in the moment  and loosing oneself to the flow.

the residency continues.