[AMP]
I am feeling quite emotional I guess and grateful. Now that I am at a space where I am so busy and there is no time for reflection. This happened because I wanted to open up to a speed that would prevent me from internalizing and acting out too much censorship of various kinds. I wanted things to roll and me to say yes yes yes and not have long to get too shy or too scared. I am not sure what the opposite of this would be, in this instance the opposite of yes, isn’t quite ‘no’, maybe ‘not yet’, or ‘let me think/work on it’. So there is a speed of sorts which takes me from place to place and at the same time a sense of a core to be returning to – great.
I have informed my practice with aesthetics and ideas of failure for as long as I remember making art and titling it as such but when it comes to exploring identity and desire through the apparatus and aspects of masculinity I feel resistant to consider and admit to processes, actions, images and texts of failing as critically resolving.
This may be similar with the way the words ‘I am a man’ vibrates internally for me. So how are you a man, what do you mean. I am not sure what I mean, I am just telling you something. In a way I am just using words/signs to voice an internal orchestra or sensations but actually the space I speak from when I say ‘I am a man’ can’t be challenged by language. My statement is not communication the way something stated as art is, I am not sure I need to be understood or maybe I am used of thinking that I couldn’t be. If I stay quiet for long enough (which hasn’t happened in a long long time) something rocky takes place in me, not quite like a core or a basic structure – I don’t claim masculinity in that way. And I don’t state a secret either, it is not like that. It is that it seems that I have access to gender else-like. This else-like ambiguous ontological sense of being gender was my starting point. This became action; I wanted to be action, that is why we set space and time to do things. The actions brought more actions and thoughts and processes and ideas and I didn’t want to just quietly meditate on masculinity, this is a collaboration which means that it became something like an alive moving animal between Jenny and I – we build an organism that is bouncing between both our masculine energies and questions about those.
…continued on next post
