Difficult Beginnings

for the last day of the course we were asked to review an exhibition based on an adverb based on our artefacts that represent our work.

my object has become part of the group; almost taking on it’s own personality; from it’s starring role on the first day; to seemingly integrating into everyone’s psyche – what was it – a sponge; a dirty, old sponge without which none of my work can be created – my adverb; absorbingly.

so i viewed the exhibition (boyd & evans:IKON gallery) absorbingly. we’ve spent a lot of this week questionning art work and artists, and i wanted to walk into, and to be sucked into, the artwork; to be absorbed in to it and by it; no thinking, just feeling.

as i walked around the exhibition what became apparent was the threads that had infiltrated the week for me personally; from the dead tree in one of the images that i currently have an obsession with; how the majority of the work has been photographs or photo realism which pays a part in my work and my teaching; the square format of the pieces; the observation of life which can carry a huge volume of information behind it yet so simply portrayed; black and white; strong colours; almost as if there is the outer force again leading me down a slowly narrowing path to a new body of work. and no ceramics – thats super weird for me.

i’m trying not to analyse; not to jump ahead like i normally do; to not presume the end result (product), but how long will i resist away from the bubble we have created?

i feel more confident in being able to take apart and put back together someone else’s work and being able to express my interpretations eloquently. i’ve been surprised by how much i gained from working collaboratively – something i intend to do more of as part of this course and beyond – and how quickly my ideas are developing.

i do have however, have grave concerns about how to keep hold of this feeling, this path, this moment, once normal life resumes tomorrow when my daughter wakes up!

so i go on, to start the first stage of creation, who knows what the next few weeks will bring, but wow i’m looking forward to it, don’t get me wrong i know it’s going to hurt at times, but good, i hope it bloody does or what’s the point?

trees, trees, trees so bizarre.

oh and large scale – suddenly seems very attractive – like someone’s flicked a switch – odd, very odd.

enough.

is to blog to be at risk of being taken away to the nut house?

do i dare say what i’m truely thinking?

about how i feel like there is someone behind me pushing me, heels dug into the ground, along this path, that could be the best or the worst outcome for my art practice?

i’ve always shyed away from an MA rejecting it as I feel there is a lack of brain to be able to eloquently express my ideas and developments, and how normally my work is simply an end product, fit to be sold in the public domain, but tells no story, or illustrates no great point, or has no relevance within the contemporary art world cos it’s not thaty clever.

the products that are on my website now – will they be there in a year?

should i start a sister website that actually has my real name on it, and not some quirky busines name that i hoped was catchy and memorable – is that truer to myself as an artist?

or am i just being drawn into a world that i admire, but won’t really have a place within, and that could damage my self belief in my own pieces?

aaargghh too many questions, and it pains me to not try to find immediate answers, but the same person that is behind me pushing is also telling me to stop looking for a reason in everything; just explore and see where it takes you

as elinor said to me the other day – it doesn’t have to have a reason

having spent a lovely day critiquing art work at Walsall art gallery I’ve just realised the irony if the statement I made to my colleagues on the train home where I stated I was near my maximum saturation point for being exposed to new art works when tomorrow we are meant to go to the ikon gallery and write a report on the exhibition based on an adverb if which mine is “absorbingly”!

hmmm where to start; is it necessary to explain?

this week i started my artist teacher scheme stage 1, and already, 3 days in, it has become an emotional rollercoaster, that I feel needs capturing at the beginning, otherwise I will quickly forget these feelings.

i had begun this journey months ago when I began teaching properly, as i had only done a few hours here and there over the previous years. As a ceramicist I ended up teaching materials and techniques that I had not visited for a number of years, and struggled with the lack of physical connection between my art practice and the teaching.

as the year progressed the teaching became more and more difficult and directly infringed on my art practice, ending in resentment, and so the course became a saving grace of hope.

to digress; i have always avoided doing an MA as I feel i lack of brain abiltity would hold me back.

the course details were sent out, and as soon as i spotted we would be creating a group installation my heart sank, but i convinced myself to go in without a defeatist attitude, as i like doing things everyday that scare me, and see what happened.

day one turned out to be fab, and being back at art school was an absolute joy; meeting other artists and art teachers; looking at moderinism, post-modernism and feminism; dissecting art works in fine detail as a group; was thrilling and i went home with mind and heart buzzing with excitement.

then day two happened. we had a lecture from an artist then went to an empty basement studio, split into groups, dived into our shared materials, and began to work. initially i just went along with the fact that it felt alien, and i got lost and it felt awkward and tried to rise above it. but the day progressed and gradually every piece i had included was removed as part of the whole deconstruct process. then i just simply started to fall apart; i didn’t get what we were doing it for and anything i created had been taken away so the actual piece had no connection to me anymore. i went home thoroughly dark and angry. that night i didn’t sleep, contemplated not returning the next day, really hated all thought of it.

anyway, i woke up still not knowing what to do but felt it was important to show my support for the group i was working in as i had great respect for them as artists and people, and to be able to explain my actions of the previous day, which i was not particularly proud of.

there were a couple of elements that the others had added (there wasn’t much left after it was all deconstructed) that i felt an infinity with and wanted to explore them as entities.

so that’s what i did, and the end result was highly successful; we felt as a group it was the strongest piece; i accepted that it didn’t have to be anything or tell any story, or make any statement; it was just an entity. great bunch to work with; genuinely hope to do more collaborations – if only i could just work out how to add some photos……