i sometimes wonder why i feel unable to express myself because of what might be dealt upon me as a result. article 10 places me in a place where i can freely express what i want to, yet i suffer from an anxiety as a consequence of creative expression.
this was quite true until recently.
recently i’ve stepped back from forging the practice forward and placed my effort into my lantra and forest school portfolio building. i’ve taken a break from the drill face.
it’s given me some time and space to reflect upon where the anxiety orgininates from. sometimes an idea isn’t realised because of what i perceive as an over whelming political reading of the idea as i see it. yes over thinking is something i suffer from.
the over politicalisation by myself is a concern to me. my ideas become staid and dull and frankly not much fun.
in considering the writing of this post i wondered about mentioning the previous post. it was a waffle in response to the incident in paris. in 2006 i exhibited a work i called “notes for a village essay” . after paris i found myself contemplating something in response to it. the anyalasis of paris that i’ve read suggests that the next attack will be in mainland united states of america and as a result the dictator in syria will be the main target of an attack. i grew up withe the ira terrorising mainland britain, i can still feel the terror i had standing in a london underground station and around london, not knowing what they would do next.
this might be another detail vs bigger picture and uncharacteristically the bigger picture seems to be what i want to consider.
my thoughts go out to everyone currently grieving for the loss of a loved one.
i read a lot online about the ongoing actions that take place globally. this course of reading began after the planes hit the twin towers in america.
article 9 gives freedom of thought, conscience and religion.
i have a personal stance on the global actions and as much as i consider expressing myself visually about these, i have an over riding sense of no, adding to it isn’t going to alter or undo anything.
if anything my stance leaves me wanting to demonstrate that i am not afraid. the feelings of terror generated my media reports need to be over turned and i can do that for myself.
at this point of the post i hit a ceiling.
i start to question myself. i start to become uncomfortable about putting my ideas out there. in a moment i start to feel vulnerable and exposed because i speak of my thoughts. am i actually terrorising myself?
so what do i do instead?
play.
be juvenile.
have fun in the moment.
make art for arts sake.
ignore all the things that make me uncomfortable.
i’ll share a little storey with you. on the lantra course we got to plant a hedge. we did this next to the main entrance road to a park in derby. as we worked i felt compelled to wave at those in cars who looked upon us while we worked. some smiled a few waved. what emerged though was an uncomfortable ness amougst some of the group i was working with. it’s difficult to describe what i saw from the group other than to say it appeared to be a fear of waving to others passing for what they might say, do or think. wether this was sourced in the thought that groups of people working in a public place are often seen as groups of community payback people, i don;t know. in our group, the limited high viz jackets were yellow and with no words on the back.
the experience left me feeling there has there been a loss of sight of the joy of being with unknown people, connecting via a smile and a wave. am i really that juvenile to think it’s a thing fun to do ?
human rights have been fought for and won. if as individuals we fail to uphold our basic human rights … might we actually start to loose them, or allow those who decide … to alter them for us ?
