drilling for gold

a few days after my last entry i heard the mosaic i worked on at belper station had been chosen as the best community art scheme (permanent projects)  in the national community rail awards.

just when i was fit to stop, something good came along to pick me up.

i think i’m through the worst bit of my feeling that i was no longer an artist.  i probably am not an artist that survives financially by what they create.  there’s no probably about it actually.

it’s been quite a journy of acceptance about this.  it comes at the same time as my forest school leader portfolio building goes up a step as i near my 6 sessions.  it would appear i’m currently swopping intellectual rigour for sqaure lashing and kelly ketttles.

the acceptance of all the recent submission failures did leave me wanting to through it all away, it being my practice, my ideas, my want to create things.  what i’ve come to accept is that what i want to do isn;t necessarily within the boundaries of what others want.

so what do i do ?

for now i make friends with my website and crouch down low and do simple things when i feel like doing them.  i’ve become obsessed with photographing tops of trees against the sky.  it’s come in handy as i’ve been invitted to submit a post card to an exhibition thingy with a theme of peace.  i’ve gone down the route of personal peace and inner well being as realised in my picture of top of tree against graduated blue sky.  the making process allowed for imperfections to be introduced, both digitally and analogly.  i’m pleased with the results and don;t have a version of it to show here.

me myself i.

just felt like writing that.

my identity might not be one of an artist at the moment and this pleases me as it gives me an anominity to get on with my forest school training and enjoy my time outdoors with the dogs.

as my partner recently said to me about trying to get on with the eldest child “maybe you should stop trying and just be yourself.”

florence lay on the sofa to sleep.  her morning had been hard work and much had been achieved.  as she settled comfortably an inner peace started to take hold, it eminated out from her frail body and fill the room with an aura that very few would be able to detect.  she drifted into a trance like dream.

across the room i sat.  i noticed how a calm rythmic cadence began to influence by own breathing.  a car drove steadily past the window.  i could see slight movement in the trees that obscured the sky.

i’d marvelled at florence’s effort and wondered if my own had been anything like as much.  for months i’d  blindly pushed on despite little or no noticable return.  i watched florence alter her position on the sofa.  was this a for telling of something i would go onto to discover?

i took a moment to reflect upon my recent illness and how it had forced me to go back to a basic state of being, cease all other endeavours and put all my effort into staying awake.  it had been a catharsis of massive proportions and slowly now i consider beginning to drill again.

i look over to florence, she’s stirred and moved position.

sitting quietly i listen to the little noise i can hear outside.  another car drives past the window with the ambient noise returning soon after.  this could become a stasis and if it were to would i say anything about it or merely interpret it?

so readily i position myself to ask questions of myself that i can rarely answer, merely burdening myself with unanswered questions.

the question currently is howto finish this posting.

i stare out of the window, the sun comes out and the illuminated greenary presents me with something interestng to look at.  is it actually the act of looking or the time i spend concentrating on one spot what makes the act of interesting be present.  i think it says something about me and my personality that i am prepared to sit and spend time with naturally lit, natural scene.

i begin to consider if what i look at is fully natural as we’ve planted what i look at and pruned it over time.  this year the growth has been left to it’s own devises.  i conclude that natural in this instance has been a collaborative affair.

the sunshine gets brighter and i sit and look some more.

stephanie simone lives on the south coast of the uk.  in the last few years she’s attempted to set up a painting and decorating business after working as a sales person for a paint company.

steph works hard and is involved in her local community via the local version of the national destination group.  destination looks to get somewhere in the future.

steph has had to adjust to many things in her life being different to how they were when she was younger.  this feeds into her views within the destination group and occassionally she has bouts of unhappiness as she thinks the destination group is treading a path very siilar to the existing way rather than being bold and brave and attempting something outside of what all the individuals know to be safe.

her painting business is struggling to get going and this is affecting her general outlook on life.

she turns to art to help her inner self.

her knowledge of who makes art is limited but she knows what she likes to look at as it visually depicts the isolation and lonliness that she quite often feels.  she misses working in a group in which she felt listened to.

despite her belief that she is not very resilient, she somehow manages to find the inner strength to keep going.  this leads to bouts of tiredness that further feeds into her unhappiness.

steph is aware of the circle and finds it difficult to share it to do something about it.

she’s considering dabling in creating something that embodies her feeling of isolation but the thought of what others might say is stopping her experimenting.  she’s thought of keeping a blog but again is concerned that putting herself out into the consuming world might not be something that nutures her spirit in a way that she hankers after.

her external appearance doesn’t communicate i’m in distress.

once upon a time there was a fair prince. he had many animals and around him were many people who helped him and coveted his success.

in the princes life all was good and all around him was lovely.  something altered and no one knew what happend.

he continued to grow and go out into the world.  he met many people and all who met him liked his manner and what he did.

as the prince grew older he started to question his very routine of meeting new people and doing what was expected of him.

he sort something new to excite him. it took him away from what he’d known for years and at first this was very appealing.

in time he saw that what he’d moved to was becoming very like what had moved away from, something wasn’t quite working to make the prince  feel he belonged in this new place.

he kept positive and tried to be happy even though inside there was a growing feeling of something isn’t right.

he needed to do something …

the something wasn’t immediately obvious …

the prince decided to remain calm and wait …