energy flash : ludic play boots

i have to admit to you i’m really uncomfortable about something i wrote about myself in my previous post.  i did consider sitting with it all day and writing later. this was going to be too long before trying to address my concern.

last night i wrote something about myself relative to the a-n artist bursaries, the deadline for which is next monday.

with palms up and outstretched i can tell you i applied last year and was unsuccessful.  as the year rolled on and i got to see the blogs of those taking part it became clear to me why my idea hadn’t made in onto the must fund these pile.

i would like to read more blogs during the year rather than a big lump just before year end.

my comment about myself last night took me to quite a dark place this morning when i thought of what i’d said.

i note i’m way to quick to berate myself.  way to quick to put myself down.  no need to go into why i think i do this as it’s something i’m working on to improve.  i think it’s part of a coping with confidence – or lack – and a certain vulnerability.

being a bit reflective now it’s about a value system and me being present in that.  the very obvious, mainstream widely known about art value system is one that i feel able to access and be part of in only very small amountsm and in a very infrequent way.  i smile and realise that the exception to this is being part of this blogging community on a-n.

i’m feeling happy now.

i sip the nearly cold tea and tune into the washing machine spinning away in the kitchen, this mornings task before leaving the house to attend three meetings in the course of the day.

while i planned this post i recognised how the snee snaw starts to talk about balancing out the contrasts in my life – the light and dark, happy with sad.  each pairing intrinsically linked and when one is in ascendancy the other has to be quiet until – through time – it can be the present one.

while looking at the current setup next to me on the sofa i start to read how another person involved with my light, dark, happy,sad can bring forward an alteration in the current state.

as well as being very playful – i’m starting to read the profound in the snee snaw as well.

is a biscuit better dunked ?  i only ask as i had a biscuit and now i don’t.

surprisingly this opening line resonates with my ongoing enquiry into the energy of feeling,  so much of what i do is in the moment.

when the reminder email arrived about the week to professional development bursary deadline, i have to admit i shrugged and accepted that i don’t have anything currently on going or emerging as a line of enquiry that i could write something interesting enough to capture the imagination of the selection panel.  am i conceding i have nothing of intellectual worthy ness ?

today has been quite nice, i’ve been on a recce to some sites as a companion to another artist.  we ventured into staffordshire on a bright sunny day.  i did quite enjoy myself.  the highlight was the german military cemetry.

back at home the part i’ve been waiting for had arrived so my snee snaw for fore research can start to advance.  there’s a session at the end of the month that hopefully will not clash with possible work so i can go along and tryout where i’m at with it all.

i think in the coming weeks having a project i can dip into when i have slots of time to do so will hopefully have a positive impact as the paid work i’m involved with starts to ramp up again.

we’ve delivered daughter #1 back to college today and now we’re home its all a bit flat and sad.

i covered my sad thoughts with mindfulness and concentrating on the driving.

thoughts did wander back to a conversation this morning about the recent news of how billy connolly feels his life is nearing its end.

that story set up a train of connected thoughts i shared with my partner this morning.  as i get older i do find myself being a little more aware of my own mortality.  its something i live with and spend time resolving as a thought.

the outward journey was made more enjoyable by desert island discs – jeremy deller.  as he gets older i think of him in a more positive light than i did some years ago.  there was a hint he lectures somewhere.

i didn’t manage to hear all the programme however what i heard was really enjoyable.

going back to the connolly thread – something i’m conscious of is wanting to leave something that exists after my death.  all the coding and other stuff doesn’t have that traditional longevity as painting, sculpture, books and architecture.  with this ambition comes a lot of deep routed feelings  and for now – leave it at that.

as i drove this afternoon i mused what i’d heard from deller today and the ambition to leave something behind.  in a shortened version of the prolonged process – i arrived at a book of works that consisted of instructions for the reader to be able to make the work.

i love this idea – its so (in no particular order)

• non linear
• led by the participant
• open
• mindful

i’ve sat with the idea for a few hours now and it still feels exciting.   i already have works i make for myself i can add into the book.

i wanted to place the idea onto my blog so i have a public record of it and somewhere to return to when i loose the feeling of today to see if intellectually the idea still generates a feeling i want to explore and share.

i spend alot of time looking out the window while i sit and compose my posts.  for the most part the posts are reflective about the last few days or maybe the week.

this morning as i prepare to go back to work at the museum i have some time to sit, watch the world go by, listen to pete tong from last night and attempt to collect recent thoughts about the things that make me feel good even though i don’t really know why.

sound plays a big part in how i enjoy the world around me.  losing the perception of low frequencies in my left ear jolted me and left me isolated from myself before the infection.

over time i’ve accepted this and learnt to appreciate how i hear now.

i’m drawn to creating sound and drawn to doing something with sound.  the snee snaw creates a sound track in response to the actions of the participants and i have found this to be universally enjoyed. so working on another iteration of that work is a really good thing for me.

it does however leave me with a feeling inside of wanting to do something more – something else.

the dilema i have is that hearing is a very defined entity – it follows other actions – and i’m aware that if i were totally deaf this previous statement would read differently.

there’s something in me that walks towards antithesis – it’s deep inside me, can’t explain it – makes me feel good.

i look out the window and wonder if antithesis is an intellectual response to rejection.

so in thinking about something sound / noise / auditory focused i have to stop myself for a moment.  i am aware of the aspect of my personality that rails against aspects of what i believe in in my practice.  in thinking about a potential piece of work – i find myself jumping to the how might i display / share what i’m about to make.

this is an ok thing to ask however i can see how this takes my focus away from the process of listening to the feeling i have about my relationship with sound and no sound.

in a non musical context the no sound aspects of sound help me to form the emotional relationship to what i can hear.

i would like to explore the relationship of no sound through the setting up of something that is experiential – invites it to be interacted with by myself and or others.

to begin with  – note to self – i’m going to find the trust in myself to collect sounds before i know how they will be assembled.  comfort zone challenged = tick.

i feel calm having explored the intellectual aspect of the schema feeling i’ve been experiencing this week.

as well as the sound thing – i’m drawn to code and this week it’s been html + css – i’ve been listening to a feeling about webspace, communicating about performances, wanting to play with timeplacespace.net and move that forward in some way.

i’m in a period of spending time in internet searches researching web design techniques.  this morning i was taking my grid knowledge to the next level of 2d grid – rows and columns.

not sure what i’ll do with the information – i’ve also been spending alot of time window shopping for html templates on themeforest.net

if i were a graphic designer or fashion photographer i would be amicably over catered for in terms of portfolio html templates or wordpress themes.  as i’m a multidisciplinary practitioner with a penchant for diversity of interests i fond there’s no quick solution for me.

i have to add i’m surprised how helpful it fells to have explored my current thoughts and feelings about the two things i’ve shared with you.  the inner unsettlement of feeling has been calmed and i have the benefit of using my writing here in the future in what ever manner might fit.

cue … ” i am what i am ! ” …

funny how writing a title triggers a memory of dragons den – not the start of the post i anticipated so i’ll work to bring it back on track.

amazing day today – from hoovering to going through the contents of the hall and giving it a complete spring clean.

amongst all the stuff we’ve hing onto were the sheets from an ideation for a project some 5 or 6 years ago.  i was proposing a non linear treatment for the transition belper energy decent group.  the then chair person was quite politically active so ultimately we didn’t see eye to eye and the non linear aspect failed to get off the ground.

it was fun at the time and if nothing else it gave us al a good reason to meet in the pub once a month a discuss our ideas further.

i’d kept the paper work from our idea collecting.  it felt so good to admit i loved it at the time and now it was time to let the paperwork go.

i celebrated all the good work with an improvised ploughmans snack and a beer.

once the family has regrouped we’ll put the christmas decorations away and get the hoover out.

it really is getting close to going back to work.