energy flash : ludic play boots

following on from yesterday i’ve been working a little more on the website and there seems to be something emerging.  i have done a lot with lines.

i cover this in the play section of the site.

reflecting yesterday that i felt i don’t have a position for my work – today i feel i have multiple positions and this is ok because there is no one who can tell me otherwise.

i accept that not everyone will relate to this approach.

from watching a short recent piece about flared jeans – i’m reminded about counter culture and the mainstream.

in adding more images to the site i have been feeling much more optimistic about me and my practice.

maybe what i’m wrestling with here is the weight of judgement i anticipate based upon historical experiences.  it feels like i have to be so strong simply to stand still in the moment.

the reality of the situation is this is all self generated and through being bloody minded and self driven can begin to unpick the weight.  i might need some help too.

bonkers weather for the time of year – needed to document that for when i go back over this later in the year.

recently i’ve given my website a make over and i pleased with where it’s ended up.  those of you who manage your own sites will know and appreciate just how much effort and time can be taken up maintaining and keeping a site fresh.

i’m still considering making a non linear statement about my work.  in so doing though – there’s the thing of where do i position my work?

easily distracted is one position, our recent new carpet presenting some new photo opportunities.

do i position myself within the art of documentary – the art of the document ?  if i do – what am i saying ?  is it social commentary ?  political ?  social critique ?  the art of history ?  all wrapped up in a non linear container …  why non linear ?  my mind wanders to russian science fiction work of the 1960’s.

its easy to look hard at oneself.  i do it maybe to excess.  what i do do  –  badly –  is get myself out of it by creating / making / expressing something.

i pause a moment to give some attention to the piano music on the radio behind my right shoulder.  it’s helping to mask the industrial sounding tumble dryer next door.  i’ve learnt that one of the bearings has gone – so when it runs it sounds like an industrial  compressor continuously running.  we are in on going dialogue with environmental health about this noise nuisance.

how i love how the sun distracts me.

have i been distracted this week as much as writing this post appears to be saying.  maybe the distraction is part of the coping with the winter and having days when i don’t feel to good.  these pass and like a sine wave i’m back on the up again.

the commission start is approaching and i’ve been getting ready for it by breaking the project down into what might be the constituent pieces i need to work on.  i learnt so much from the second that going into this third tranche i’m not so worried about not knowing what it is i will actually be filming and what actually will make it into the project by its finish.

so as for my positioning ?  for now this isn’t a big thing.    the non linear project has a position built into it and all the other stuff also fits into something.  i wonder if knowing one’s positioning is directly proportional to the number of people who get to see one’s work.  yes there must be some connection – connection being the thing.  it’s easy really.

reflecting this morning about the final session of a royal academy / artists rooms funded project at derby museums has placed me in a reflective space about the post i made last night.

firstly i reflect that when tired i am not as in control of my mind as much as when fully rested.  this is on my mind this week as we’ve been following the recent series on 4od of the sas inspired reality show.

the final episode is about interrogation and just how strong are the minds of the recruits.  this year the british military will admit women into all roles – including the sas.  the series is a good watch.

this morning in rested and recouped head space i reflect that last night i was dealing with my feelings of being limited by my disability.  a paradoxical disability because when face to face i can be articulate and different to when i’m on my own and wrangling words on the page.

this morning i have a sense of i don’t yet fully understand and accept my limitations – why would one accept limitations ?

looking around me this morning i see the outcomes of working to a deadline – the newly restored skirting boards.  i have a small amount to finish today.

working within my limits – that impacts upon my practice as an artist i sense this morning how having small goals set by myself to work towards are going to help me both work with the limitations but also improve my self belief.

small steps.

for now i hold within me the sense and want to improve and feel more centred and happy.

today i need to complete the tasks around the house.

i have a feeling of i can, i can, i can.  i take forward the notion of working within the limits.

as tough as it was to write what i did last night, this morning i feel the benefits.

on my mind of late has been my practice –  i’m close to beginning the commission from the museum of making at derby silk mill.

it is refreshing to be moving towards doing more within my practice.

my practice is linked to me – is this inherent connection the thing that makes someone an artist?  i feel a bit like a first year undergraduate as i clumsily handle the words onto the page.

the notion of having a dynamic statement is still on my mind.

out this morning with the dog in the fresh crisp februay light my mind meandered to thoughts of images with voice over, no longer attempting to wrangle text explaining my inner workings.

by monday next the work i’ve been doing in the living / dining room of our family home will be complete and a new carpet laid.  nearly all my “me” time has been taken up with doing the work needed to be ready for the carpet.  there is so much disturbance in our home.

there will be a point beyond disturbance in the house.

new paths are appearing and a shift in the balance between my facilitating and being an artist.

i am an artist and at times it’s easy to loose sight of this.  one of the biggest problems with this is the balance between feelings of just how futile the whole thing is when faced with news, reports and reading about digital fellows.  my position in the world being so small.

yet if it is a thing of scale, i am large in my own life.

will i ever really feel international ?.

life occasionally feels like trying to play with a massive slinky and at the same time needing to stop it all falling to the ground.

i have disrupting feelings – they do pass and they’re something i need to talk about, so i might further understand what my concerns and place in the world as an artist is.

i was going to write how debilitating this all feels – then i stop to think.

there’s a lot of mainstream awareness building about mental health and the need to talk about it.  what i feel is missing with this though is the insights and training for the mainstream to be able to listen and know how to react.  when someone says ” i feel lost ”  it really isn’t ok for the pair of you to have a conversation that doesn’t involve the person who made the statement.

so what good does my airing the  inner feelings do ?   it makes me commit to putting them out there so i can challenge my perception of myself.

i want to take a moment actually to share something with you.  when i was a teenager and full of not knowing what the hell to do with my life i came up with a plan to stay in education.  considering when i would have said this i expect it to be during my lower sixth for the second time, my undiagnosed dyslexia under pinning my short comings –  the school helping me by making it possible to do the year again.  yes, reflecting now about the residual feelings i have, i connect with how i was dealing with disappointment.  passing it off  as a bonus thing. i would joke about how i could stay in education until i was 30.

i love to learn, experience new things.  it’s hard though.  they way i want to do this is different to what is on offer – and the constant criticism.

i’ve written constant criticism – i stop myself.  this criticism is internal.

am i in control of my own mind ?

i think at times i’m not.

it’s been helpful writing this.  i sense i am unhappy with myself as i’m not putting as much time into expressing and reflecting about how i feel about things as i am thinking about it all.

leads me to another moment of remembering something from my teenage years – being criticised for thinking too much !  between you and me i think its related to the dyslexia – part of the coping mechanism.

all will be ok  – once we get beyond the disturbance…