energy flash : ludic play boots

all around me is tranquilty and piece, the dog snoozing, the lights on the chrsitmas tree gracefully pulse and in my ears liam gallagher sings his hear out being a rock and roll star.

watching the documentary Liam Gallagher: As It Was i found the energy of the live gigs infectious, the look of the documentary inspiring and the underlying story of the man challenging.

as 2019 ticks to its finale my thoughts turn to the transition into 2020 and what might happen in that year.

i’m looking forward to 2020.

i stare out of the window and tune into gallagher for a few lines.  he sings about he way he feels is oh so real.

the energy i spoke of earlier comes from a feeling.  over the course of this blog i’ve reflected upon how feeling plays an important part of my practice and as we tick our way to 2020 y big hops is that i can connect again to the feelings that generate the energy and drive for my and my practice.

2019 has had its struggles.  2020 will too.  it’ll be amazing if i can embrace them and overcome them with higher energy.

my optimism comes from the imminent beginning of my start within the harlem artspace.  i am literally having a small beginning however the physical size of the space is not the main thing.

getting out from the house and the dining table, being with other people, sharing stories, travelling,  going to work – all of these are going to be so good for my energy and practice.

thank you 2019 – you’ve helped to set up 2020 for me. cheers xx

once upon a time there was a boy, he lived in a house with a dog and a cat.

one day the dog came home and announced she was running away to the circus.

the cat at this news was distraught and took to watching 100 episodes of eastenders from the bbc.

the boy looking at all this upset knew not what to do.  he took to insular thinking and very nearly came to a breakdown.

fortunately that’s all fiction and in my own life i hope to be sitting on the edge of transience.

there’s a challenge for me –  to embrace more the academic aspect of my practice. that is the theoretical and contextual foundations of my practice being considered more and being more at the concious end of what i do.

this is going to be a huge challenge as i’ve regularly told myself that as a person with a learning disability this impairs my ability to learn new things through reading and consideration.

if i can regularly tell myself bad things, why cannot tell myself good things ?

while i level with you, there’s something else that i do that i’m looking to undo.

within considering an idea or statement of intent, i allow myself to pursuade myself that in the future others will consider what it is and put such an argument forward that i will end up feeling worthless and useless.  i convince myself of this and as a result bail and compromise what it is i’m considering.

there’s clearly a problem here as you undoubtably can see.  as i’ve written it, i too can see this now.

i don;t understand why it happens and how to rewire my thinking.

why is my mind so set on restricting my potential – how has it become that i restrict myself ?  especially when aspects of the work i do is about helping others attain better versions of themselves ?

so i acknowledge i have an inner intensity that currently has potential to be manifested as expressions of intent.

defining the intent possibly being a strategy to help me in those moments when i feel vulnerable –  talking myself out of doing the thing i’m doing.

adapting the manner in which i practice – as a means to connect to the feeling of excitement about what i’m making.

the soon to be moved into studio space.

if i can be so good at being so hard and unsupportive of myself, might i turn this around and be supportive of myself ?  i’m mindful that this comes with a risk – i’m immediately putting something in my train of thought that isn’t of the original thread.

times ahead to practice the be kind to myself, be supportive of myself.  accept that there are aspects of my practice that come with much effort.

i pause a moment as i have a sense of an adult in my past from whom all this tangled mental tightness originates.  it is in the past and as i go forward practicing what my best self might be i repeatedly come up against mental blocks.

can these be overcome in a similar manner to the mental block i experienced while out walking?

it is easier to mentally unblock when there is physical condition causing pain and tension, especially when the physical tension is a manifestation of the mental tension at the effort being put in.

relax.

be in the moment.

one foot forward.

repeat.

last week was full of cold – me – i was full of cold.  wednesday the worst day, still getting better now.

feeling so more excited and charged than this time last week.  on friday i’m going to harlem artspace in wirksworth to chat about taking on some space there.

even beginning to try to explain the excitement leaves me in a super charged state.

there are many subtle factors as to why the move to take on some space is so good for me.  i can sense internally what they are and for now i’ll leave it as an internal thing so i have the space to move into and share with you at a later date.

what i’m pleased with is my own resolution in accepting that i had got into a rabbit hole and i wanted to feel better about myself and my practice.

it’s time to leave the dining room table for another space.

over the course of my a-n blogging residency – (playing with words here) i’ve repeatedly returned to the internal notion i struggle to shake off = that i’m a fake artist.

it’s not now this clear cut, i do have more of an understanding of what this internal monologue is about.

partly a way of covering that the intentions of my practice are dilute and connected to this – that my practice connects with a very niche audience.

maybe as the creator of jonathan pie describes pie as – i’m that type of person that at whatever point they are, they are unhappy because there’s always the next level that they would prefer to be at.

in recent weeks i’ve started to research filming with a dslr and associated gimbal, in an attempt to better understand the technique of filming with a go pro camera and gimbal.

in a mental step back i get a sense of how chaotic my world is – internally anyway.  there’s always an excuse.

the silk mill non linear commission is about half way through it’s duration.  having been onsite in the preceding months i’ve recently been facing up to the question of what is your intention with all of this ?  as a public art project i’m finding there are countless more people involved with the work than just me.  we’re all redefining the boundaries of the project as we negotiate our way to the fully resolved work.

watching the coverage of the turner prize announcement gave inspiration of a working title for the non linear work.  i suspect it will evolve.  for now its helping to bound my thinking and intentions.

thinking – something i’m doing too much of ?  i am spending a lot of time in my head, so its interesting that the peer to peer meetings we’ve run in the past have resurfaced as an interest for people.  might i offer to facilitate them ?  if i do can i too get the peer support i need ?

do my blog posts up to now become those moments of airing what is on my mind ?  rather than the on going reflection of what i’ve been doing.

as the end of the year approaches i can reflect that the title of this blog hasn’t been particularly inspiring for me.  when i chose the name i was in a place of knowing the non linear commission was coming but with no certainty when.  it took 3 more months before i knew.

back in the present i’m given a coffee and take a moment to recall a recent conversation.  i’m left with a feeling of wanting a guiding hand to help me find a meaningful path through my chaotic inner self.

cahoatic self ? i take a moment.

when considering a task and its fulfilment, there’s a thing i do that makes its completion problematic.  i become distracted and set up other mental scenarios that draw and question the initial task to a place that then makes it compromised. is this normal ?