energy flash : ludic play boots

in this post i aim to reflect as well as off load.  i need to off load the feelings generated while working within a project.  the details of this project are irrelevent as it’s not about the project – it’s me and my wanting to be happy during a wet and blustery sunday afternoon.

in reflecting upon my week and now my weekend i know i need to do something to make me feel better about myself.  needing ot be honest with myself about what i might do i have some lunch in mind followed by spring cleaning one of the rooms.

i dial in an old familiar you tube video to help me attain a happy place in my mind.

time passes and lunch is eaten.

tea is made and placed on the side to cool.

reflections made as to wether i am as unhapppy as i think i am or if this is a construct based upon physiological states and needing food.

what i do know to be the case is the constant running of scripts in my mind that i have absolutely no influence over as they are in the recent past and they did happen as a linear event and i did react at the time and the net result is a feeling of a position the event left me in.

need for super dooper emotional intelligence to let it all go.

my hope here is that by commiting to writing this i feel less burdoned by the thoughts i drag around with me.

why do i drag them around ?

they are dragged around because i am incensed by some the manner in which a meeting to resolve something has set up more things to resolve – more questions – more frustrations.

i pause to look out the window.  the dog beat me to it so the view of teh scurrying clouds is marginally obscured.  i try to find the metaphor in this image to help me understand what i feel i’m in right now.

what am i in right now ? i feel angry.  i feel more angry now than at the time.  i’m sorry if i’m talking in riddles – it’s necessary because i can;t actually just come out and say what the thing is.   the organisation has done well as setting this up as the norm.  hearing what it is –  isn’t something that is encouraged.

i have not felt listened to this week.

putting on a continuous brave face is tiring – especially when i need to do this at home.

i have to sit for a moment and listen to what carl cox is playing – reach for my tea – check out my relationship with the window.

[time passes]

[time passes]

[time passes]

i’m awash with excitement – a top feeling – energising – almost bursting.

how can this be followed i think?  like a surfer standing up i am in that moment and i feel invincible.   it’s friday 10:15am.

i pause for a moment and think back to 8:29 am on monday.  i was in the midst of a wave of loss – our dog maybe passed well over 18 months ago now – i’d put thoughts together that initiated a feeling.  i worked through them in the form via photograghy and shared on instagram

in the moment now i’m balanced out.

the recent warm weather has hopefully topped up by vitamin d, its so easy to let levels drop to become critical.  a colleague yesterday commenting on a mood they had and it teetered on the melancholic.

this week has been the cliche roller coaster ride.

the image is part of the roof space of the wardwick area of derby museums.  it’s an event space and on wednesday i sat there and did some work.  quiet, contemplative and seeing many transformations.

i continue to grow the confidence in myself and my practice.

letter to rob 2.3.19

dear rob

i’ve thought of you this evening after watching a couple of programmes about electronic music being made through the 1970s and 80’s.

now i’m sitting writing to you i’m not too sure what to say. earlier while thinking about what i’d watched my mind wandered back to a time when i rode a motorcycle and we were at college together. the particular memory being the summer we worked together and after an evening’s work you invited me back to your parents house. it was the first time i’d been with an adult who painted.

writing that now i feel incredibly naïve.

the other college memory that is really strong is the thing we did to you can’t hurry love. i remember we edited it because it was felt to be too long for the thing we were planning to do. little did we take into consideration the nerves and alcohol slowing us down. i can’t remember how many of there were of us taking part – only one of us managing to complete what we said we’d all do. we did take part though.

in thinking about writing to you i did wonder if this might get sent to you or maybe i’d right it in a very generic manner and post it onto a blog.

my naivety feels quite strong when i consider where i am and the last i heard of you – you now work at the very college we were at together.

being honest with you i’m still working through accepting how my teenage years were.

before college i had a part time job in a petrol station. one of the guys who worked there went to camden to see a band called caberet voltaire. they featured in the second documentary tonight.

when i consider my teenage years i reflect that … i pause. i think i know what to write next but it’s very of now.

i think where i’m going with this is that there is something of now that i feel is … i was going to say missing  – that might now be the right word.

its like i’m missing an influence – something that connects everything and really lights me up. the scary thing is i might need to find that for myself.   calls into question my ability and confidence.

i pause again.

i’ve enjoyed my evening and i’ve enjoyed reminiscing about our times together. i think this evening its actually more about feeling the lack of opportunities to tell stories about past times – realise i can’t remember everything – to hear other’s tales of things i was involved with.

after that i’m left with the present and my working through stuff left over and stuff of now.

i maybe need more stuff of now that excites me and leads me to believing and knowing i am part of something.

i think i crave peer praise.

i have many feelings about what i do.

look at me – i haven’t written in years and i’m being all palms up and open with you instead of small talk about the weather and how are the family now?

i miss not having something i never had.

please write back – i know i’ve gone off into the deep end, did i always do this ?

best regards

andrew

aka cecil xx

following on from yesterday i’ve been working a little more on the website and there seems to be something emerging.  i have done a lot with lines.

i cover this in the play section of the site.

reflecting yesterday that i felt i don’t have a position for my work – today i feel i have multiple positions and this is ok because there is no one who can tell me otherwise.

i accept that not everyone will relate to this approach.

from watching a short recent piece about flared jeans – i’m reminded about counter culture and the mainstream.

in adding more images to the site i have been feeling much more optimistic about me and my practice.

maybe what i’m wrestling with here is the weight of judgement i anticipate based upon historical experiences.  it feels like i have to be so strong simply to stand still in the moment.

the reality of the situation is this is all self generated and through being bloody minded and self driven can begin to unpick the weight.  i might need some help too.

bonkers weather for the time of year – needed to document that for when i go back over this later in the year.

recently i’ve given my website a make over and i pleased with where it’s ended up.  those of you who manage your own sites will know and appreciate just how much effort and time can be taken up maintaining and keeping a site fresh.

i’m still considering making a non linear statement about my work.  in so doing though – there’s the thing of where do i position my work?

easily distracted is one position, our recent new carpet presenting some new photo opportunities.

do i position myself within the art of documentary – the art of the document ?  if i do – what am i saying ?  is it social commentary ?  political ?  social critique ?  the art of history ?  all wrapped up in a non linear container …  why non linear ?  my mind wanders to russian science fiction work of the 1960’s.

its easy to look hard at oneself.  i do it maybe to excess.  what i do do  –  badly –  is get myself out of it by creating / making / expressing something.

i pause a moment to give some attention to the piano music on the radio behind my right shoulder.  it’s helping to mask the industrial sounding tumble dryer next door.  i’ve learnt that one of the bearings has gone – so when it runs it sounds like an industrial  compressor continuously running.  we are in on going dialogue with environmental health about this noise nuisance.

how i love how the sun distracts me.

have i been distracted this week as much as writing this post appears to be saying.  maybe the distraction is part of the coping with the winter and having days when i don’t feel to good.  these pass and like a sine wave i’m back on the up again.

the commission start is approaching and i’ve been getting ready for it by breaking the project down into what might be the constituent pieces i need to work on.  i learnt so much from the second that going into this third tranche i’m not so worried about not knowing what it is i will actually be filming and what actually will make it into the project by its finish.

so as for my positioning ?  for now this isn’t a big thing.    the non linear project has a position built into it and all the other stuff also fits into something.  i wonder if knowing one’s positioning is directly proportional to the number of people who get to see one’s work.  yes there must be some connection – connection being the thing.  it’s easy really.