energy flash : ludic play boots

reflecting this morning about the final session of a royal academy / artists rooms funded project at derby museums has placed me in a reflective space about the post i made last night.

firstly i reflect that when tired i am not as in control of my mind as much as when fully rested.  this is on my mind this week as we’ve been following the recent series on 4od of the sas inspired reality show.

the final episode is about interrogation and just how strong are the minds of the recruits.  this year the british military will admit women into all roles – including the sas.  the series is a good watch.

this morning in rested and recouped head space i reflect that last night i was dealing with my feelings of being limited by my disability.  a paradoxical disability because when face to face i can be articulate and different to when i’m on my own and wrangling words on the page.

 

 

this morning i have a sense of i don’t yet fully understand and accept my limitations – why would one accept limitations ?

looking around me this morning i see the outcomes of working to a deadline – the newly restored skirting boards.  i have a small amount to finish today.

working within my limits – that impacts upon my practice as an artist i sense this morning how having small goals set by myself to work towards are going to help me both work with the limitations but also improve my self belief.

 

 

small steps.

 

for now i hold within me the sense and want to improve and feel more centred and happy.

 

today i need to complete the tasks around the house.

 

i have a feeling of i can, i can, i can.  i take forward the notion of working within the limits.

 

as tough as it was to write what i did last night, this morning i feel the benefits.

 

on my mind of late has been my practice –  i’m close to beginning the commission from the museum of making at derby silk mill.

it is refreshing to be moving towards doing more within my practice.

my practice is linked to me – is this inherent connection the thing that makes someone an artist?  i feel a bit like a first year undergraduate as i clumsily handle the words onto the page.

the notion of having a dynamic statement is still on my mind.

out this morning with the dog in the fresh crisp februay light my mind meandered to thoughts of images with voice over, no longer attempting to wrangle text explaining my inner workings.

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by monday next the work i’ve been doing in the living / dining room of our family home will be complete and a new carpet laid.  nearly all my “me” time has been taken up with doing the work needed to be ready for the carpet.  there is so much disturbance in our home.

 

 

there will be a point beyond disturbance in the house.

new paths are appearing and a shift in the balance between my facilitating and being an artist.

i am an artist and at times it’s easy to loose sight of this.  one of the biggest problems with this is the balance between feelings of just how futile the whole thing is when faced with news, reports and reading about digital fellows.  my position in the world being so small.

 

 

yet if it is a thing of scale, i am large in my own life.

will i ever really feel international ?.

 

 

life occasionally feels like trying to play with a massive slinky and at the same time needing to stop it all falling to the ground.

i have disrupting feelings – they do pass and they’re something i need to talk about, so i might further understand what my concerns and place in the world as an artist is.

i was going to write how debilitating this all feels – then i stop to think.

there’s a lot of mainstream awareness building about mental health and the need to talk about it.  what i feel is missing with this though is the insights and training for the mainstream to be able to listen and know how to react.  when someone says ” i feel lost ”  it really isn’t ok for the pair of you to have a conversation that doesn’t involve the person who made the statement.

 

 

 

 

so what good does my airing the  inner feelings do ?   it makes me commit to putting them out there so i can challenge my perception of myself.

i want to take a moment actually to share something with you.  when i was a teenager and full of not knowing what the hell to do with my life i came up with a plan to stay in education.  considering when i would have said this i expect it to be during my lower sixth for the second time, my undiagnosed dyslexia under pinning my short comings –  the school helping me by making it possible to do the year again.  yes, reflecting now about the residual feelings i have, i connect with how i was dealing with disappointment.  passing it off  as a bonus thing. i would joke about how i could stay in education until i was 30.

i love to learn, experience new things.  it’s hard though.  they way i want to do this is different to what is on offer – and the constant criticism.

i’ve written constant criticism – i stop myself.  this criticism is internal.

am i in control of my own mind ?

i think at times i’m not.

 

 

 

it’s been helpful writing this.  i sense i am unhappy with myself as i’m not putting as much time into expressing and reflecting about how i feel about things as i am thinking about it all.

leads me to another moment of remembering something from my teenage years – being criticised for thinking too much !  between you and me i think its related to the dyslexia – part of the coping mechanism.

 

all will be ok  – once we get beyond the disturbance…

 

 

as a boy the film oliver had a huge impact upon me – especially fagin played by ron moody.  i would spend hours doing the actions with my hands – i was told this when i was older.  as we draw close to february it is with great joy i recall a small detail from my formative years.

so what has my january been like ?

 

post dinner now and sitting feeling great after sampling the outcome from the first full meal attempt in the newly acquired slow cooker accompanied by my garlic mash – oh so yummy.

 

if i guage january by how i feel now and the day i’ve experienced  i’d say january has been good with me getting the balance between aspects of my life about right.

 

 

following the let’s get real conference from london today via the hashtag has been another good experience of being part of something while staying at home.  my participation being informal of course – however i have ended up connecting with the drive time host of london greek radio – i hope to tweet him while out with the makory !

 

 

for many years i’ve enjoyed a week of darts from the lakeside, the bdo world finals.  in my annual post about this i reflected about how i didn’t see any darts this year and the impending certainty that brexit is slowly drawing  more and more and more into focus.

 

 

more local to me is my own re-emerging focus upon the silk mill.  the building work is now starting to get to the more interesting bits and the associated volunteering opportunities connected to the development of stuff to go into the museum have all got a new found focus.

i do seem to be focussing alot !

in amongst that is the arrival of my contract for the commission i have – like standing on the dockside of the port of corpus christi.

 

 

yes i wandered a bit there – i remain positive.

i remained positive last friday.  artist stevie davis hosted an open session in the surface details project space in derby.  i think the space is leased through east side projects, i don’t actually know if that’s the same one as in birmingham.

at the session i took along the bits and pieces that i’m using as i reconsider the snee snaw as some sort of desk top work.

 

 

i rather took over one of the two tables and stevie was really kind about me doing so.

i’d gone there with the intention to extend some cables so i could start to work with a longer form than previously.

 

 

i left the session with more questions than i had begun with.  mainly about the physical form of the work.  when using a see saw as a basis the work really encapsulates the spirit and essence of what i want to achieve.  i am so with doubt about when i try to use something else as a donor base.

i’ve been at this point before when trying to stage the work.  i did manage to have some physicality within the 2016 re-imagined snee snaw.  maybe i need to go back to the beginning of this iteration.  it was originally thinking to be for fore fingers – after my experience of seeing the work being played with the work has taken a bit of a dark turn – i’m literally in a cul de sac not knowing where to go next.  time to get out a piece of paper and draw a map methinks.

 

 

back in the seat of volunteering at the silk mill i’ve joined up with the tertiary interpretation group.  during our session i had such a great time and between you and me if what i was part of (the idea) doesn’t go any further i don’t care because i had an enjoyable time away from home and met some new people.  yes i might be getting to a point of not caring about the time that follows.  this is actually a vital part aspect of being a co producer within the co production process.  i note that one needs to be in an incredibly secure place in one’s own life for this to be the case.

i sit up for a moment and look at the dog asleep on the sofa.

 

 

we’re nearing the final stages of the royal academy funded joe wright interpretation project at derby museum and art gallery.  i’ve learnt alot throughout this project and with a new head of interpretation newly started from the british museum am looking forward to how we conclude our work to discover what we might put into the gallery.

that seems a little out of left field – it’s that we’ve had a break in january and will be picking it up very soon.  in reconnecting with the project i have been reflecting how i feel a little in the middle of two bodies of people and have felt i have had something missing to help both sides get over the line.  there’s help coming.

 

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i’ve recently listened to red saunders present his hidden project to the arts and heritage volunteers at the silk mill.    looking at these pictures the thing that strikes me is light at all the windows.  the building for so long was limited to where the light could be seen.

 

so when i review the situation what do i see ?  well its more a feeling, i like the feeling i have right now.  january has had many feelings and of those there are definitely some that i do not want to feel again.

i feel i want to have a go at making a statement about my work.  the idea of making a statement is one i struggle to consider because it’s so fixed – feelings alter, they are dynamic.  oh look there’s a thing – i’ve not made that connection before.  therefore … do i actually need a statement that is dynamic ?  it would fit better with where i see myself.

i’m so glad i reviewed the situation. x

 

 

 

motivation this evening to write is to attempt to reflect about what happens for me prior to having dinner.  in an atmosphere of #itsoktotalk i feel the need to continue to be brave and speak about the times when all looks looks s***e.

something happens within my physiology on the cusp of low energy before eating.  despite things in my life being good and with prospects of things to do in the future in those 10’s of minutes prior to eating my world is a dark place.

i think today something has clicked to write a little bit more about it as i’ve seen a tweet from a school showing that mental health is being discussed in school and a short video from the creator of one of the software applications i use.

 

in the video mark coniglio talks about how artists are people who feel different  – they don’t fit into the mainstream somehow. this leads to a feeling of difference and alone – being without community.  he continues about how making work leads to solving this problem through sharing of work with people who get them and their work.  i’ve posted the video below, i hope you can view it.

 

i’ve eaten now but the feeling left by going into the dark place remains, not as strong but enough to leave me with a doubt.  the doubt is the legacy of something that is not now real – it never was actually real but in the moments i experienced the thoughts felt very real.  it takes effort  to pull up and out of the decline.  i find eventually drawing on some mindful practice helps to remain real and in the moment.

it leaves me feeling i need to find other coping strategies for these times – getting up, moving around, interfering with the cooking process.

 

 

in other news i’ve begun removing the old skirting board ahead of renewing it in time for a new carpet.  net result is a lot of disruption in the house while continuing with all the day to day stuff.

 

 

just dropping back into reflecting about the pre dinner thought implosion – it’s made me realise tonight that i push myself maybe a little too hard.  by this i mean that each time i begin something i want it to be of such a quality that loads of people want to see it.  not sure i’ve explained that well enough to be honest.

this evening i’ve had to have a word with myself about actually there is only so many top notch things i can do at any one time and actually its ok to have things that are just for fun.  they can go nowhere or develop later.  listening to mark has made me question myself about what i’m doing and who i connect with.  on friday i’m going to an event in derby to share where the snee snaw(for 4)  is currently.   am i being sucked into the here and now wanting it brigade ?  maybe.

i’ve made a new musical discovery on tube tonight and i’ve been enjoying it while typing.

 

 

another little revisit to the pre dinner thing.  it sets up a physical tension in me that is confusing because the thoughts about something that aren’t real manifest into physical feelings that are real so the physical self is backing up the mental self to the point of being detrimental – confusing.

i think there’s stigma about sharing these kind of dark moments.  i back the #it’soktotalk and #itsoktobeok – it’s ok.

there’s a hub bub of activity in the kitchen as pizza friday is in full swing – i’m waiting for the crowd to ebb before venturing in.

i feel in a very reflective mood tonight as earlier we all were present when we laid piglet the rat to rest in the garden.  it had rounded out a hugely emotional and life affirming week.

on tuesday i was involved in something that shook me to the core and it took a couple of other happenings in belper to keep my thing in perspective.

in belper there had been two massive accidents – an over turned car in a supermarket car park and a monumental water mains failure.

as details emerged of both i learnt that the water main was the result of a farmer’s interaction with the main while trying put up a new fence.  the car was being driven by an individual who had had a heart attack at the wheel and the vehicle hitting something so it cleared a wall and turned upside down in the car park.

on wednesday i watched the end of the 268 mile run won for the first time by a woman who beat both the men and women’s previous records.

this evening i’ve cried at the news about our rat.

 

 

 

 

i get easily drawn into the intensity of the situation and this week has had it’s fair share.  what i need to remember is balancing the external intensity with the what i do at home.  the week began with an order being placed for a new carpet in the house – this decision has launched the need to do some renovation of the skirting and to sort some wall paint out.  time to apply the intensity i’m capable of to improve our living environment.