on my mind of late has been my practice – i’m close to beginning the commission from the museum of making at derby silk mill.
it is refreshing to be moving towards doing more within my practice.
my practice is linked to me – is this inherent connection the thing that makes someone an artist? i feel a bit like a first year undergraduate as i clumsily handle the words onto the page.
the notion of having a dynamic statement is still on my mind.
out this morning with the dog in the fresh crisp februay light my mind meandered to thoughts of images with voice over, no longer attempting to wrangle text explaining my inner workings.
by monday next the work i’ve been doing in the living / dining room of our family home will be complete and a new carpet laid. nearly all my “me” time has been taken up with doing the work needed to be ready for the carpet. there is so much disturbance in our home.
there will be a point beyond disturbance in the house.
new paths are appearing and a shift in the balance between my facilitating and being an artist.
i am an artist and at times it’s easy to loose sight of this. one of the biggest problems with this is the balance between feelings of just how futile the whole thing is when faced with news, reports and reading about digital fellows. my position in the world being so small.
yet if it is a thing of scale, i am large in my own life.
will i ever really feel international ?.
life occasionally feels like trying to play with a massive slinky and at the same time needing to stop it all falling to the ground.
i have disrupting feelings – they do pass and they’re something i need to talk about, so i might further understand what my concerns and place in the world as an artist is.
i was going to write how debilitating this all feels – then i stop to think.
there’s a lot of mainstream awareness building about mental health and the need to talk about it. what i feel is missing with this though is the insights and training for the mainstream to be able to listen and know how to react. when someone says ” i feel lost ” it really isn’t ok for the pair of you to have a conversation that doesn’t involve the person who made the statement.
so what good does my airing the inner feelings do ? it makes me commit to putting them out there so i can challenge my perception of myself.
i want to take a moment actually to share something with you. when i was a teenager and full of not knowing what the hell to do with my life i came up with a plan to stay in education. considering when i would have said this i expect it to be during my lower sixth for the second time, my undiagnosed dyslexia under pinning my short comings – the school helping me by making it possible to do the year again. yes, reflecting now about the residual feelings i have, i connect with how i was dealing with disappointment. passing it off as a bonus thing. i would joke about how i could stay in education until i was 30.
i love to learn, experience new things. it’s hard though. they way i want to do this is different to what is on offer – and the constant criticism.
i’ve written constant criticism – i stop myself. this criticism is internal.
am i in control of my own mind ?
i think at times i’m not.
it’s been helpful writing this. i sense i am unhappy with myself as i’m not putting as much time into expressing and reflecting about how i feel about things as i am thinking about it all.
leads me to another moment of remembering something from my teenage years – being criticised for thinking too much ! between you and me i think its related to the dyslexia – part of the coping mechanism.
all will be ok – once we get beyond the disturbance…
