once upon a time there was a boy, he lived in a house with a dog and a cat.
one day the dog came home and announced she was running away to the circus.
the cat at this news was distraught and took to watching 100 episodes of eastenders from the bbc.
the boy looking at all this upset knew not what to do. he took to insular thinking and very nearly came to a breakdown.
fortunately that’s all fiction and in my own life i hope to be sitting on the edge of transience.
there’s a challenge for me – to embrace more the academic aspect of my practice. that is the theoretical and contextual foundations of my practice being considered more and being more at the concious end of what i do.
this is going to be a huge challenge as i’ve regularly told myself that as a person with a learning disability this impairs my ability to learn new things through reading and consideration.
if i can regularly tell myself bad things, why cannot tell myself good things ?
while i level with you, there’s something else that i do that i’m looking to undo.
within considering an idea or statement of intent, i allow myself to pursuade myself that in the future others will consider what it is and put such an argument forward that i will end up feeling worthless and useless. i convince myself of this and as a result bail and compromise what it is i’m considering.
there’s clearly a problem here as you undoubtably can see. as i’ve written it, i too can see this now.
i don;t understand why it happens and how to rewire my thinking.
why is my mind so set on restricting my potential – how has it become that i restrict myself ? especially when aspects of the work i do is about helping others attain better versions of themselves ?
so i acknowledge i have an inner intensity that currently has potential to be manifested as expressions of intent.
defining the intent possibly being a strategy to help me in those moments when i feel vulnerable – talking myself out of doing the thing i’m doing.
adapting the manner in which i practice – as a means to connect to the feeling of excitement about what i’m making.
the soon to be moved into studio space.
if i can be so good at being so hard and unsupportive of myself, might i turn this around and be supportive of myself ? i’m mindful that this comes with a risk – i’m immediately putting something in my train of thought that isn’t of the original thread.
times ahead to practice the be kind to myself, be supportive of myself. accept that there are aspects of my practice that come with much effort.
i pause a moment as i have a sense of an adult in my past from whom all this tangled mental tightness originates. it is in the past and as i go forward practicing what my best self might be i repeatedly come up against mental blocks.
can these be overcome in a similar manner to the mental block i experienced while out walking?
it is easier to mentally unblock when there is physical condition causing pain and tension, especially when the physical tension is a manifestation of the mental tension at the effort being put in.
relax.
be in the moment.
one foot forward.
repeat.
