something by cecil

its tough – being honest with one self about where one is. the gap between the real and the aspiration.

i came to add another post where i write about the infinite struggle and all that goes with it. another post where i air my thoughts about giving up – accepting my lot is restocking the dishwasher, tidying the garden and going to roles where i work with other people to help them fulfill their aspirations.

yes i have been feeling sorry for myself. yes i have been here many times before and many times before i plough on with a smile and being present.

each time i do have an evolved insight yet remembering what that is is where a the problems sits. the near overwhelming feeling of being in the same loop and going around it at varying speeds, all the attempts to do something different falling short.

i look at the window – sunshine. thoughts of a walk, being pulled by our sprollie, listening to an uplifting mix – parts of the circle to maintain some sort of pride and momentum.

remember to eat, to sleep.

i wrote something about external control of mood, deleted it and wrote about writing it and deleting it.

to what extent is my gap between reality and aspiration a manifestation of the neurodivergent conditions i have? as manifestations they become all engulfing and i yearn for an outlet that fulfils the neurodivergent aspiration. as casey stoner the australian motorcycle racer once said and badly paraphrasing it as i can;t quite remember the full thing – i looked it up – stoner said “does your ambition outweigh your talent”. he said it of a competitor after a race. so does my thinking what i can do/achieve outweigh my ability? by the evidence i have – yes.

on reflection, i need to be more realistic about what i put myself up for and accept this to be as good as it’ll get.

in time i hope to be able to learn to live with this.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RUgfXFqo_gM&t=3s

again i find myself harbouring thoughts and wondering what to do with them. unconventional blog i know; its what i need to do in the moment.

• logic vs emotion in self and ai prompted p5js research
• lynch and the idea
• blakemore and the intensity
• lynch and making sense
• website building being logic fulfilling
• uncertainty when working with emotion because its working with emotion
• emotion being a factor of the brain
• play and its help with working towards understanding
• doubt caused by repeatedly not feeling heard or seen – a feeling, not a logic
• the video essay about lynch – link in shared document
• trying to hold it all in head – writing down in any way that suffices in the moment
• the telephone game
• 

i have to admit to having a habit of writing cryptically, writing around what i really am saying. i open thus because today is a day for honesty. today i have contacted an academic referee to let them know i am not going to apply to a research degree opportunity i had previously said i would.

this makes the decision real, rather than a thought of something i might commit to.

in the email i am honest about what i have learnt so far, both professionally and more importunately personally about my self and my neurodivergence.

i know in my self that a part of wanting to be a research student was for the sense of belonging with the cohort and the university. what i am left with is a feeling of isolation and it is this feeling that starts the onward journey.

from the out set i don’t want to feel isolated.

seeing that written down immediately there is a sense of the antithesis of that – i want to be seen for me, be applauded for what i do and this is from a point of view of what i create, what i express, what i explore to get to those.

i seem to put my self in positions where i support others, i even have a part time job where i do this. what i am lacking is a sense of my self being seen, being heard, being listened to.

on the recent celebrity in the jungle show in the uk i heard the phrase “they have their own angle on life, their own perspective.” i sat with the notion of what is my angle on life? its probably a metaphor that is dynamic and potentially difficult to quantify as a number. maybe quantifying it is the last thing to do.

earlier i said

i want to be seen for me, be applauded for what i do

 

it is time to start again doing what i do.

my self awareness of how i struggle to express myself is growing. for example i wanted to share the below picture and when i went to look at it needed to crop to what you see because i didn’t want the room i took it in to be seen.

that might be seen as protecting privacy and yes it is that to some extent.

in working to understand the near stalemate in my practice progressing i see focus as an issue too – like sustaining a focus is a problem. i am more aware of why this is and as yet am to find a strategy to cope with it.

i still am attempting to resolve the disappointment of not be successful with a research degree application. this unresolved feeling is a problem for me.

there needs to be something done differently to alter the feelings associated with all the problems i seem to be creating for myself.

something i want to try is to let go of the thing i am making being perfect at the first attempt. its a really obvious thing to write but i need to write it to get the message through to me. in fact embracing doing that yields less than amazing is something i can do – to let me build on what is made to take steps to make better.

maybe to let go of the pressure to have something i focus upon. i can see the focus i have is on the lack of focus and how that leads me in some visual metaphor around multiple centres.

letting go of the feeling of worth – that what i make has no worth and i shouldn;t be doing it. i have become so isolated and alone that it is now the perfect time to wave arms and try stuff out, as no one particularly cares what i am saying. this is of particualr challenge for me as there is something that holds me back expressing my self. what ever i have said just now, i feel trapped by something i don’t understand. if its fear – its to do with others reactions and something to do with having to defend how i felt at the time of the idea becoming a work. i don;t know.

the main thing is to make some notes that i can come back to.

this might all be about the way i work now.

being open, there’s something about affirmation too. additionally something about wanting to make/create/express in ways that others notice what i’m doing. in being so reserved, i’m currently doing nothing to make this move forwards.

there’s also the intellectual integrity i aspire to have and hold myself back because i self edit even before i start to make the idea.

i see i’m holding on too tight. protecting something – is it protection though?

time to make/create for the joy of it, the fun of it, the experience of it, being in the flow of it.

• today was another version of the my friends house reduction print
• chose coloured card
• new scheme of work.
• approached as play with set place to get to. how does this work as play? try to keep in the moment with a process i am familiar with. attempt to not be serious about what i am doing. as the layers are added i become increasingly more unhappy and aware of future judgement from other people. makes me ask how did i come into the session today.
• i came into the session today with an open mind wanting to make the reduction print on the colour card i chose.
• i am on the fence as to how the process today is play. it certainly feels different to yesterday. the question to answer is what is different yesterday, can today still be play through considering it in another way.
• the other thing i am aware of is the need to feel celebrated. what i mean by this is as an antithetical position to my rsd, i want to receive praise for something well done. this is potentially in the shadow of part of my conditions that makes me overwhelmed by a lot of personal attention – something in the past i was in receipt of while in a masked condition.
• i think my ability to play is compromised by the perception of future interactions with what i make when i play. implies that what is made during play is an outcome of play not necessarily to be shared with an audience or on social media.
• an aspect of isolation appears again.
• …
• …
• …
• right at the very end, with the last colour – i made a discovery. the play aspects comes from the use of the left over ink. with the last colour i used up what remained on a separate sheet. a sheet where i had earlier run off one run of another colour and didn’t see the potential.  the amount of available work space ha been a factor of the slow realisation. its there though for next time.

thoughts race ahead to an exhibition…