something by cecil

• aspect of discovering what was discovered many years ago – peruvian weaving lines.
• wanting to do research my way – not being guided to do it the way in which the dominate neurotypical past methods have been done.
• a neurodivergent approach
• isolation being a way to discover – a challenge to the established knowledge base.
• questioning how being in isolation becomes a reason to be criticised.
• forms of isolation
• my defining of isolation
• discussion around isolation
• feeling isolated in the crowd
• capacity to spin my own plates
• plates  of other people
• what forms of art to express the isolation
• discussion around the “fixers”
• discussion around language used to communicate
• awareness of reducing the masking affecting the attempt to fit it
• awareness of increasing doing it how best it feels right for me leading to potential isolation as i’m not doing it in the manner the dominant neuro style requires it to be done.
• awareness of how my mirroring style alteration leads to others not seeing me in their own mirror.
• an emerging (potential) correlation of isolation to masking style. is there a link between adaption of masking style and the feeling of isolation?
• isolation as psychological or physical or ratio between?
• how does isolation work as a positive within neurodivergent person?
• what are others saying about isolation?
• how is isolation considered currently?
• how does exploring adulthood play help to understand isolation/talk about isolation?
• does my leaving notes here on a blogging platform evoke isolation from content being read because this is not the expected form of writing in this place?
• being honest with myself and a wider context about how i don’t see myself in the contemporary art world. by this i mean that i look at works on the walls and the statements placed to help us and very rarely do i feel a part of me is in what i see or read. the net result of this is to feel i am not a part of this world. sometimes the feeling of i shouldn’t be doing what i am doing starts to feel overwhelming. a feeling of shame soon starts to emerge.

added later on in the day

• remembering emin’s statement that all undergraduate work is about identity and my rejection of that and the situation that ensued.
• space between self and identity.

sometime after 8 o’clock this morning, standing alone in our kitchen, i cried as i listened to the sounds of the automata swan being wound for play and the soundtrack that followed with accompanying voice over. later i reflected upon the power of art to transpose where one is and create a whole new unexpected experience.

the tears were joyous, the experience very real

its helped to lift me from the feelings of shame and low self worth following the very drawn out and painful wait to be told my research degree application was unsuccessful. that process and the wait for the outcome and all the other stuff i have gotten involved with has had a net effect. an effect i became aware of when those in my peer group were sharing posts/stories, and images of the new stuff, the latest exhibition and the outcome of the recent hard work. the net effect was a feeling of me being isolated and in the same place, despite all the effort and work put in.

the research degree outcome was difficult to talk about – at first.

i can now at least talk to friends about it without crying due to the overwhelming emotion that has been rising.

in the spirit of embracing what you have – it seems to be time to start documenting the research into being isolated and due this through a methodology of play – adulthood play.

i did want to start an instagram account i could leave private and post new images to that. having thought about it for weeks, when i attmepmpted it this afternoon my accounts i tried to start have all been suspended due to violation of terms.

instead i have downloaded an app to my phone that i can share images to in a private manner. my exploration of isolation and its documentation being only visible by me.

in the spirit of it only exists if its documented – welcome to the documentation of that research.