hello, post day delivering, eating and walking the dog, i need to record some of the thoughts from this evening. i observe of my self there is a sweet spot where my thoughts and emotions and physicality are in sync – there not being one of these in a dominating position,
my current self project is working towards accepting the unsuccessful research degree application. in attempting this my part time role with an education organisation has become the villain and i need to keep in mind this.
one aspect of the research degree was going to be the feeling of belonging within the university. i see the university as a space where they see me for me and the thing of me being there is i work as me to become me.
the path to acceptance includes how my application didn’t connect with enough academics for them to back it. coming back from this is the big one.
so part of my thinking tonight ( at least what i can recall now i’ve sat down to write ) is my rational of if i choose to make one last attempt of applying and this is successful i will get to be a part of something – it is this i most crave, the feeling of belonging. in working through the recent unsuccess i have identified i feel isolated and started to work with that. to some degree it is this isolation that in part informs the beginning of the third and last attempt.
for the record as a result of trying for a second time i have now a self diagnosis of rejection sensitive dysphoria (rsd), adhd and autism. knowing this about my brain has given me a sense of calm about me and my practice as i know more about me and why the world looks and is interacted with by me in the way that i do.
i’ve remembered one fo the earlier thoughts – i feel i am at a point in my practice where the influence of my past career is finally starting to wain and for me to start to be truly an artist working with my ideas and realising something about these along the way. previously there has been a huge influence from the need to make something that will be well received. my previous career was in helping to realise events where the product of the work was always something palatable and widely liked.
i take a step back to consider what i have written.
being in a situation where i feel isolated it give me confidence to step outside my self and make something. i can see this being related and connected to the rsd. in manoeuvring my self to somewhere where no one is, i can make without fear of not being liked. this isolation is currently facilitated by working under an assumed id. behind that id is my self with the audience relationship with that id. the distance being important to me since i made the discovery on the additional neurodivergent (nd) conditions or ndc for short.
in being on my own i can start to see points in time in the future that give an opportunity (potentially) to do something or have something shown. without the pressure of maintaining a connected identity i can relax into my self knowing a separate vehicle will be making the journey for me.
another thought from this evening has been to create a subversive guide to the role i do in the educational organisation – like an unofficial handbook for new starters – or a guide from an ndc perspective for ndc new starters.
i will admit to having feelings of there is no hope lately. its a pretty difficult place to have been – bordering on the statements and questions that ordinarily we all want to avoid. do i feel more hopeful now? i don’t know. what i do feel is the excitement of making a guide for ndc new starters and seeing where the research into isolation leads me. ultimately the objective is for the research into isolation is to connect me to a group/community/organisation with whom i can feel a sense of belonging. having experienced a very real failure of an attempt to connect, i am setting up the boundaries of this next attempt in such a manner to keep my self safe, and so to avoid the huge disappointment if it were to happen again. with my ndc the chances of it happening again are much higher.
