something by cecil

today i been feeling the multi layers of the word isolation, from the obvious to an abstraction of that.

it strikes me that there is potential for me to explore image making – something i rejected as an undergraduate because i saw around me how my peers created images and things and once assessed the problem of storage. out in the professional world i guess the ideal is the images one makes are sold or at least not in the possession of the practice so the storage of them isn’t a problem.

why am i harbouring the thoughts of image making? today i played. i played with some video footage, edited it exported etc etc it ended up as a webpage. i played some more and the contents of the page evolved and i saw something that i could go onto make as a 2d image with dimensions and everything. what i saw in where the play took me was the realisation of the layered nature of isolation. choosing images and content carefully i do wonder as to what images are possible.

at the point where i feel a starting point emerging i am also getting myself mentally prepared for the part time role i have that restarts on wednesday after the summer academic break. the role is in fe. i find it exhausting and as yet i haven’t been able to identify another part time role more aligned with the cultural sector that will provide the same remuneration. there are roles available, the point is i am unsuitable for them. at least that’s been my  experience so far at interview.

the way we talk about subjects interests me.

i was going to look again at the interview comment but i came back to the other candidate was more suitable.

as i become aware of my wandering thoughts, i acknowledge i need to stop and continue to consider isolation and the layers within it.

made today:

it has struck me today that at some point i need to define what i mean by isolation – how does it apply to me and what does it feel like.

this afternoon i walked our dog and on the walk i experienced thoughts, feelings, and frustrations that when i reflect potentially are coming from a feeling of isolation – or at least leading me to feel isolated.

i also experience positive isolation when i am alone and away from people and things and in flow of making.

both these are related and connected with my neurodivergent conditions as i believe in an holistic approach to assessing the situation. its all connected – paradoxically nothing in isolation.

there is a part of my conscious thinking that asks is this isolation focus the right way to proceed?

the situation i find myself in – and not one i would choose – is that my brain is put together in such a way that when i am on my own i experience good things and very dark bad things.

i suppose i could try to work out why and analyse everything but that implies a scientific approach and that’s not where my strengths lie. i have a background in visual art and if i’m honest its the solo aspect of this that i am looking to develop and practice- to feel more secure and confident in.

i know i am a long way off being ready to attempt another dycp. the 2021 edition was unsuccessful and a very quick glance over that project this afternoon showed me why that was the case.

isolation may not be exactly right; however, it is something for me to work with and i like how there is a very paradoxical quality to the research.

i have no idea where this is all headed and maybe that’s the thing i should be cherishing the most.

copied and pasted from a diary entry

watch white lion episode wallander. at the end I cry. I cry because the end of the story shows me how as a person we have the choice to work towards something. something we believe in and something that is of an honourable nature as opposed to something that causes hurt or is driven by greed. in that moment of the tears, i feel my working towards something is undefined at the moment. it had been the working towards getting a place on research degree, so i had a purpose and a community. in the absence of that place, I am a little at sea, drifting without a defined port to head towards. it leaves me feeling unfulfilled and unhappy. there’s short term things i do that provides an income but doesn’t fulfill the thing that i am struggling to define in me.

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i read a dm describing a walk with a shaman.

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i stop to think about the choice of working with isolation at the moment. in working with isolation, this needs to be with the intention of understanding how it is for me at the moment with the caveat of looking for new connections or evolving the ones i have already so they move forward in ways that both parties feel fulfilled.

part of this work needs to be attempts to make new connections, through making new work and the  documentation.

notes about hope after sending a message to the author of a research degree  thesis downloaded from acadeimia.edu

• write the notes while the feeling of hope is still present
• maintain a level headed ness about the message – its a message
• dare to dream
• dream to dare
• aesthetic of isolation
• starting points
• talking positively to self
• believe in self
• acknowledge the two unsuccessful attempts and the potential for a third
• acknowledge the excitement of clearing distraction and being fully immersed in the research
• acknowledge the feeling of being a part of a conversation where the curator talks about ones work and practice from their own perspective and how different what one does feels – more worthy, more relevant, more interesting – more neuro typical – more connected
• dare to be honest
• dare to show my self
• dare to discover more about my self
• dare to acknowledge my self
• dare to face the words so often shied away from, shied away from them coming into existence
• acknowledge the feeling of isolation being a paradoxical strength
• acknowledge the barriers to hope
• dare to make notes and publish them on a public facing blogging platform

for this reflection i will be using the model for reflection held at https://scoutship.scout.org/handbook/active-review-cycle/

1. what happened?

spread over today and yesterday i have made – for  the first time – a series of 4 reduction prints. its the first time lino cutting and the first time reduction printing. the image used was from a birthday card series created in february and the paper chosen was from a box of paper i have had for sometime. the lino, cutters and ink was bought in june, everything else was already in the vicinity of the endeavour. the alignment jig was improvised from a cat food box.

2. the emotional reactions to the situation

i let go of the need for this first time to be perfect. during the course of the recent olympic games i repeatedly heard how all those that had won a medal and thats why they were being talked to, spoke about the time it had taken to get to that point. in those interviews i saw how i needed to do something differently to begin to feel i was making some forward momentum.

ahead of making the lino cut i knew it was something i was going to do. having procrastinated for a while because i couldn’t decide what image to create, using the birthday card image made the process possible and for me to let go of a need to be perfect. i felt i could lean in and have a go and what ever the outcome it would be positive because it would have been a made thing by then.

sitting writing this relection i do feel on the edge of crying. i felt an emotional strain moments after i had completed the making. while in flow of making i had a purpose and a thing to do. with that process complete the emotions became almost overwhelming.

3. what have i learnt?

at a technical level i have learnt about ink and the need to roll the ink long enough so the peaks are evened out.

i have learnt that the design of the lino cut affects the integrity of the print.

doing printing in an almost diy manner will lead to blemishes and personally those blemishes are of value because they are signifiers of the presence i had had at the point of printing.

4. what next

to use the image again and make another series of 4. to alter the base card colour, to mix the ink differently and to roll it for longer.

to view the outcome of the printing as a document – a series of documents of the performance of making them.

to use cards of the same size.

to enjoy it as much as the first time.

to continue to feel happiness at having done something and to write about it.