something by cecil

• first time working with a gelli plate
• only had water based printing inks
• foraged some leaves from the garden
• assortment of paper.
• before began felt nervous
• during the process was in flow
• at lunch i felt disappointed in what i saw
• mid-afternoon worked into the prints some more
• at the end felt nervous.
• thoughts around images made through play having no historical references – the action of play being absolute in the moment. infers an isolation to what came before – art history.
• the actions were out of the ordinary, for the sake of using the gelli plate for the first time.
• no colour mixing
• small amount of space to work.
• need to research further the absolute moment nature of play with materials that newly combine into a state they stay within. as opposed to material that is arranged in the moment and subsequently taken apart.
• ideas of how images of the moment of arrangement being drawn into the combined state (future play)
• how to maintain the first time aspect when using again
• how to maintain the isolation from art history.
• try to understand through future sessions where the feeling of disappointment originated from.
• why the nerves?
• purity of the flow state – the absence of external influence and force.
• were any rules adopted – no the – the flow was holistic
• what could have been extended? more white paper.
• what was the main learning today? how ever the ink   landed on the paper, in time that paper potentially was another print.
• for me the play today was solitary. how might that be maintained while with other people?
• a prompt was used to generate a draft proposal.
• everything today was abstract, no trying to represent something already in existence – the play not having a end point defined at the start. the play was free.

a humbling weekend, a realisation of just how on the edge i was mentally. to have gotten through that has left me smaller and more real.

two years of attempting a research degree application has helped me to realise i was doing what i thought i needed to to. now i feel calmer. calmer because i’m not trying to fuel a construct i thought that i need to create – the difference being i now know about my neurodivergence. time to give my self sometime, relax about my identity because apart from those i come into contact with, no one else particularity cares about it.

if i am going to try one last time for a research degree, it needs to be wholeheartedly what i want to do. i need to let go of the fear of it not being good enough, i need to left go of the inner monologue telling me no one will care about what you are interested in. it needs to reflect where i am at the moment. a late diagnosed neurodivergent individual with an art practice what has had some success – works being funded or featuring in a museum’s permanent collection but there being no easily recognisable thread through all the works. an interest in adulthood play but paradoxically reluctance to really immerse self in this for fear of rejection – a part of the neurodivergence, now better understood.

int he past i have not understood the strength in a work i make being similar to something already made – often i would totally reject an idea because it felt like something similar had already been made and shown enough for me to have known about it.

i can see how my actions were actions of self isolation – that i had no idea i was doing to my self.

now with the isolation project trickling along i have more space for self. no longer putting energy into sustaining the construct i thought i needed as an identity.

a lesson in not caring what others think.

i feel good at the moment. i am working on believing that when i take stock again of how i feel it will still be good.

notes for an emerging research project in no particular order

• fine art basis
• intersecting
  • well being
  • psychology
  • late diagnosis neurodivergence
  • play theory
  • reuse ethos
  • play making/ play working
• extending the permission for adults research
• the work around sutton smith’s work
• practice based/led
• access to cultural partners through my facilitation and art practice
• fine art practice approach
  • experimental film
  • performance
  • socially engaged
• research methodology
  • heuristic
  • building a community of play “engineers”
• what are the questions?
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
• what is the
  • title?
• why anyone will care about this research
  • the evolutionary aspect of the human brain – to play
  • a fit within adult well being practice
  • building awareness of mental health management through play
  • to explore the stigma connected to play in adulthood
  • because its fun and engaging
• what the research aiming to do
  • define a theoretical framework (a dynamic boundary) in which to practice.
  • arrive at an ethos of  resource use
  • language that is inviting, inclusive, neurodivergent aware, understandable and contemporary
• how the research going to reach the aim

recently

• i found the rendition of the french national anthem at the paralympics original, emotive and engaging.
• the president of the paralympics committee’s speech engaged with me
• i’ve been considering how i am drawn to small groups of people, at least my curiosity leads me to become involved with ideas with a group connected to them.
• today i see its ok to be drawn to the these small groups.
• today i’ve started to view the being drawn from through a  lens of isolation.
• i realise i like watching sport for the commonality of the competition, the achievement, the narrative and story of those taking part. often taking a holistic view of the moving images in front of me generating a feeling for me.
• sport – the taking part in it, draws people together. utmb world finals on mont blanc. once understood, there is a rich and wonderful experience in watching on from a far.
• as an artist , what is my truth, my reaction, my response to the gathering of people to participate in or to watch sport? here i am considering both iterations of 2024 Olympics and the utmb world series final. how do i bring it to my self and involve other people? what does it look like in isolation and what is the impact to bring that isolation to the engagement of others?
• going at times hand in hand is music. what would my response include of music / sound / rhythm?

its come to my conscious thinking that what i an intending to do – my intention is- is to get more play happening within adulthood, to encourage play, and model play for others to become involved with or instigate themselves.

in attempting this, the research becomes in part about me daring to be me (authentic) more of the time and in so doing this for me to get to know me (authentic) more.

through intending to do this framed as my artistic practice i am facilitating my self towards a more authentic version of me for more of the time – i’m less shaping my self to fit to what the version of me needed to fit the need of the organised group of people as set by a small number of those people.

democratic is a word that comes to mind.