a humbling weekend, a realisation of just how on the edge i was mentally. to have gotten through that has left me smaller and more real.
two years of attempting a research degree application has helped me to realise i was doing what i thought i needed to to. now i feel calmer. calmer because i’m not trying to fuel a construct i thought that i need to create – the difference being i now know about my neurodivergence. time to give my self sometime, relax about my identity because apart from those i come into contact with, no one else particularity cares about it.
if i am going to try one last time for a research degree, it needs to be wholeheartedly what i want to do. i need to let go of the fear of it not being good enough, i need to left go of the inner monologue telling me no one will care about what you are interested in. it needs to reflect where i am at the moment. a late diagnosed neurodivergent individual with an art practice what has had some success – works being funded or featuring in a museum’s permanent collection but there being no easily recognisable thread through all the works. an interest in adulthood play but paradoxically reluctance to really immerse self in this for fear of rejection – a part of the neurodivergence, now better understood.
int he past i have not understood the strength in a work i make being similar to something already made – often i would totally reject an idea because it felt like something similar had already been made and shown enough for me to have known about it.
i can see how my actions were actions of self isolation – that i had no idea i was doing to my self.
now with the isolation project trickling along i have more space for self. no longer putting energy into sustaining the construct i thought i needed as an identity.
a lesson in not caring what others think.
i feel good at the moment. i am working on believing that when i take stock again of how i feel it will still be good.
notes for an emerging research project in no particular order
- fine art basis
- intersecting
- well being
- psychology
- late diagnosis neurodivergence
- play theory
- reuse ethos
- play making/ play working
- extending the permission for adults research
- the work around sutton smith’s work
- practice based/led
- access to cultural partners through my facilitation and art practice
- fine art practice approach
- experimental film
- performance
- socially engaged
- research methodology
- heuristic
- building a community of play “engineers”
- what are the questions?
- what is the
- why anyone will care about this research
- the evolutionary aspect of the human brain – to play
- a fit within adult well being practice
- building awareness of mental health management through play
- to explore the stigma connected to play in adulthood
- because its fun and engaging
- what the research aiming to do
- define a theoretical framework (a dynamic boundary) in which to practice.
- arrive at an ethos of resource use
- language that is inviting, inclusive, neurodivergent aware, understandable and contemporary
- how the research going to reach the aim
its come to my conscious thinking that what i an intending to do – my intention is- is to get more play happening within adulthood, to encourage play, and model play for others to become involved with or instigate themselves.
in attempting this, the research becomes in part about me daring to be me (authentic) more of the time and in so doing this for me to get to know me (authentic) more.
through intending to do this framed as my artistic practice i am facilitating my self towards a more authentic version of me for more of the time – i’m less shaping my self to fit to what the version of me needed to fit the need of the organised group of people as set by a small number of those people.
democratic is a word that comes to mind.
when i prepared the research degree application i can see now how stressed i became about what i didn’t know – the already published writing.
becoming more accepting of what i don’t know and trying to stick to what i do know is proving to be more sustainable.
being anxious about the future of the research was also making me feel stressed.
beginning from an isolated position, on the sofa with my laptop, the aim, the goal is to discover how connected i can become. what this does do though is raise the question of how do i quantify what a connection is?
somewhere on the internet i have watched a section of video that talks about people needing connection and i have remembered where it was – the ted talk about the u2 show at the dome in las vegas.
in the context of being in a public place with 17999 other people, i start to feel some level of discomfort – an overwhelm of being with that many people. i know know this is because of my neurodivergent conditions.
i yearn for 1:1 connection where i can keep up with what the conversation is about. i feel seen, heard and special to be in the 1:1 conversation. i am happy to stay within the 1:1 conversation with the caveat that if i am having to feel i am working at keeping the conversation going, soon i find i can’t sustain it
