something by cecil

when i prepared the research degree application i can see now how stressed i became about what i didn’t know – the already published writing.

becoming more accepting of what i don’t know and trying to stick to what i do know is proving to be more sustainable.

being anxious about the future of the research was also making me feel stressed.

beginning from an isolated position, on the sofa with my laptop, the aim, the goal is to discover how connected i can become. what this does do though is raise the question of how do i quantify what a connection is?

somewhere on the internet i have watched a section of video that talks about people needing connection and i have remembered where it was – the ted talk about the u2 show at the dome in las vegas.

in the context of being in a public place with 17999 other people, i start to feel some level of discomfort – an overwhelm of being with that many people. i know know this is because of my neurodivergent conditions.

i yearn for 1:1 connection where i can keep up with what the conversation is about. i feel seen, heard and special to be in the 1:1 conversation. i am happy to stay within the 1:1 conversation with the caveat that if i am having to feel i am working at keeping the conversation going, soon i find i can’t sustain it

hello, post day delivering, eating and walking the dog, i need to record some of the thoughts from this evening. i observe of my self there is a sweet spot where my thoughts and emotions and physicality are in sync – there not being one of these in a dominating position,

my current self project is working towards accepting the unsuccessful research degree application. in attempting this my part time role with an education organisation has become the villain and i need to keep in mind this.

one aspect of the research degree was going to be the feeling of belonging within the university. i see the university as a space where they see me for me and the thing of me being there is i work as me to become me.

the path to acceptance includes how my application didn’t connect with enough academics for them to back it.  coming back from this is the big one.

so part of my thinking tonight ( at least what i can recall now i’ve sat down to write ) is my rational of if i choose to make one last attempt of applying and this is successful i will get to be a part of something – it is this i most crave, the feeling of belonging. in working through the recent unsuccess i have identified i feel isolated and started to work with that. to some degree it is this isolation that in part informs the beginning of the third and last attempt.

for the record as a result of trying for a second time i have now a self diagnosis of rejection sensitive dysphoria (rsd), adhd and autism. knowing this about my brain has given me a sense of calm about me and my practice as i know more about me and why the world looks and is interacted with by me in the way that i do.

i’ve remembered one fo the earlier thoughts – i feel i am at a point in my practice where the influence of my past career is finally starting to wain and for me to start to be truly an artist working with my ideas and realising something about these along the way. previously there has been a huge influence from the need to make something that will be well received. my previous career was in helping to realise events where the product of the work was always something palatable and widely liked.

i take a step back to consider what i have written.

being in a situation where i feel isolated it give me confidence to step outside my self and make something. i can see this being related and connected to the rsd. in manoeuvring my self to somewhere where no one is, i can make without fear of not being liked. this isolation is currently facilitated by working under an assumed id. behind that id is my self with the audience relationship with that id. the distance being important to me since i made the discovery on the additional neurodivergent (nd) conditions or ndc for short.

in being on my own i can start to see points in time in the future that give an opportunity (potentially) to do something or have something shown. without the pressure of maintaining a connected identity i can relax into my self knowing a separate vehicle will be making the journey for me.

another thought from this evening has been to create a subversive guide to the role i do in the educational organisation – like an unofficial handbook for new starters – or a guide from an ndc perspective for ndc new starters.

i will admit to having feelings of there is no hope lately. its a pretty difficult place to have been – bordering on the statements and questions that ordinarily we all want to avoid. do i feel more hopeful now? i don’t know. what i do feel is the excitement of making a guide for ndc new starters and seeing where the research into isolation leads me. ultimately the objective is for the research into isolation is to connect me to a group/community/organisation with whom i can feel a sense of belonging. having experienced  a very real failure of an attempt to connect, i am setting up the boundaries of this next attempt in such a manner to keep my self safe, and so to avoid the huge disappointment if it were to happen again. with my ndc the chances of it happening again are much higher.

• keep the faith
• small steps
• little an often.
• play – what this is to me
• play – what this is to other adults
• play – how to frame as an activity for groups of adults within cultural settings
• music
• https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5nz1fx7p1Yw ( likely this is only available until december 2024)
• make another reduction print
• shoot more video footage
• layer that footage
• sound – be honest about the relationship with sound
• be honest
• allow one self to express one self
• remember to smile
• accept there will be low days
• mobile sequence lighting – video connected to main screen
• remember how all the little pieces when put together make something larger.
• enjoy the creation of the little pieces
• a move from passive to active – relationship to listening to music – think of those times that most happy

today i been feeling the multi layers of the word isolation, from the obvious to an abstraction of that.

it strikes me that there is potential for me to explore image making – something i rejected as an undergraduate because i saw around me how my peers created images and things and once assessed the problem of storage. out in the professional world i guess the ideal is the images one makes are sold or at least not in the possession of the practice so the storage of them isn’t a problem.

why am i harbouring the thoughts of image making? today i played. i played with some video footage, edited it exported etc etc it ended up as a webpage. i played some more and the contents of the page evolved and i saw something that i could go onto make as a 2d image with dimensions and everything. what i saw in where the play took me was the realisation of the layered nature of isolation. choosing images and content carefully i do wonder as to what images are possible.

at the point where i feel a starting point emerging i am also getting myself mentally prepared for the part time role i have that restarts on wednesday after the summer academic break. the role is in fe. i find it exhausting and as yet i haven’t been able to identify another part time role more aligned with the cultural sector that will provide the same remuneration. there are roles available, the point is i am unsuitable for them. at least that’s been my  experience so far at interview.

the way we talk about subjects interests me.

i was going to look again at the interview comment but i came back to the other candidate was more suitable.

as i become aware of my wandering thoughts, i acknowledge i need to stop and continue to consider isolation and the layers within it.

made today:

it has struck me today that at some point i need to define what i mean by isolation – how does it apply to me and what does it feel like.

this afternoon i walked our dog and on the walk i experienced thoughts, feelings, and frustrations that when i reflect potentially are coming from a feeling of isolation – or at least leading me to feel isolated.

i also experience positive isolation when i am alone and away from people and things and in flow of making.

both these are related and connected with my neurodivergent conditions as i believe in an holistic approach to assessing the situation. its all connected – paradoxically nothing in isolation.

there is a part of my conscious thinking that asks is this isolation focus the right way to proceed?

the situation i find myself in – and not one i would choose – is that my brain is put together in such a way that when i am on my own i experience good things and very dark bad things.

i suppose i could try to work out why and analyse everything but that implies a scientific approach and that’s not where my strengths lie. i have a background in visual art and if i’m honest its the solo aspect of this that i am looking to develop and practice- to feel more secure and confident in.

i know i am a long way off being ready to attempt another dycp. the 2021 edition was unsuccessful and a very quick glance over that project this afternoon showed me why that was the case.

isolation may not be exactly right; however, it is something for me to work with and i like how there is a very paradoxical quality to the research.

i have no idea where this is all headed and maybe that’s the thing i should be cherishing the most.