something by cecil

notes about hope after sending a message to the author of a research degree  thesis downloaded from acadeimia.edu

• write the notes while the feeling of hope is still present
• maintain a level headed ness about the message – its a message
• dare to dream
• dream to dare
• aesthetic of isolation
• starting points
• talking positively to self
• believe in self
• acknowledge the two unsuccessful attempts and the potential for a third
• acknowledge the excitement of clearing distraction and being fully immersed in the research
• acknowledge the feeling of being a part of a conversation where the curator talks about ones work and practice from their own perspective and how different what one does feels – more worthy, more relevant, more interesting – more neuro typical – more connected
• dare to be honest
• dare to show my self
• dare to discover more about my self
• dare to acknowledge my self
• dare to face the words so often shied away from, shied away from them coming into existence
• acknowledge the feeling of isolation being a paradoxical strength
• acknowledge the barriers to hope
• dare to make notes and publish them on a public facing blogging platform

for this reflection i will be using the model for reflection held at https://scoutship.scout.org/handbook/active-review-cycle/

1. what happened?

spread over today and yesterday i have made – for  the first time – a series of 4 reduction prints. its the first time lino cutting and the first time reduction printing. the image used was from a birthday card series created in february and the paper chosen was from a box of paper i have had for sometime. the lino, cutters and ink was bought in june, everything else was already in the vicinity of the endeavour. the alignment jig was improvised from a cat food box.

2. the emotional reactions to the situation

i let go of the need for this first time to be perfect. during the course of the recent olympic games i repeatedly heard how all those that had won a medal and thats why they were being talked to, spoke about the time it had taken to get to that point. in those interviews i saw how i needed to do something differently to begin to feel i was making some forward momentum.

ahead of making the lino cut i knew it was something i was going to do. having procrastinated for a while because i couldn’t decide what image to create, using the birthday card image made the process possible and for me to let go of a need to be perfect. i felt i could lean in and have a go and what ever the outcome it would be positive because it would have been a made thing by then.

sitting writing this relection i do feel on the edge of crying. i felt an emotional strain moments after i had completed the making. while in flow of making i had a purpose and a thing to do. with that process complete the emotions became almost overwhelming.

3. what have i learnt?

at a technical level i have learnt about ink and the need to roll the ink long enough so the peaks are evened out.

i have learnt that the design of the lino cut affects the integrity of the print.

doing printing in an almost diy manner will lead to blemishes and personally those blemishes are of value because they are signifiers of the presence i had had at the point of printing.

4. what next

to use the image again and make another series of 4. to alter the base card colour, to mix the ink differently and to roll it for longer.

to view the outcome of the printing as a document – a series of documents of the performance of making them.

to use cards of the same size.

to enjoy it as much as the first time.

to continue to feel happiness at having done something and to write about it.

in working with isolation i can start to see how not joining up the sections of the practice feeds my self’s feeling of isolation. there is however an empowering factor to this that i am in control of the non communication.

today i have published a statement and two images on a gallery platform. there i am being open about what it is i am doing and have framed it under a title that doesn’t immediately identify me as the author.

in my life i often feel isolated and alone in a group of people. the current form of the research feels good and a valid way to talk about my experiences.

for my self, there is a powerful thing in having images and work out there that are not immediately connected to my name – my identity. in the coming times, i look forward to gaining insight into what this is.

• notes notes when the emotions are fresh
• believe in dreaming
• recognise the long term commitment to this
• accept the long periods of time of little or no connection
• work towards the time punctuations
• dream to believe
• this is a solitary endeavour
• be humble
• believe in the endeavour
• watch events/sport that evoke tears
• appreciate the inclusion
• embrace the solitude
• do things out of the ordinary
• document the endeavour
• feel it all
• go forward not knowing where this is leading
• be positive about the perceived relative speeds, even if the perception generates unhappiness, anger and disappointment in self.
• believe in dreaming
• notice the small things
• remember to eat.