something by cecil

lately i have been feeling that i’ m at a stand still.

from a stand still i can:

• look around me
• listen to what other people say about past work
• feel good at being stationary
• see what resources are near by
• move towards nearby resources
• feel good
• be present
• let anxiety wain
• dabble at making mental space to consider something
• be ok with an unknown direction
• feel content
• reduce the noise within my thinking
• feel excited about doing something
• reflect upon what books i have available
• reflect upon what is meaningful to me
• accept being stationary
• create a list in no particular order
• feel ok about not editing the list
• decide there will be a time when not stationary (even though at the time of writing this feels overwhelmingly unachievable)
• ignore the overwhelming feelings of failure
• look forward to enjoying doing something for myself
• not to dismiss everything that comes to mind because its no good.
• stand and feel alone and for now be ok
• consider what resources i have to draw upon, to create, to form, to rearrange.
• not get hung up on the context immediately – what is it?
• take to a blogging platform and make a list of all the wonderful positive awareness that being at a stand still affords.
• be aware of feelings of inadequacy and failure.
• relax about not feeling connected with people in the manner that i really want it to be.
• acknowledge the spinning of plates for other people – metaphorically.
• know when to stop trying to describe / connect with the positives of being at a stand still.

i described the idea for an experimental time based media project to chat gpt:

an experimental time based media art project where I invite people to contribute time based files and in the combining of the files I explore the communication between those taking part as a metaphor for how the microbes in the human body communicate.

here’s what chat gpt came back with

That sounds like a fascinating and innovative project! Here are some steps and ideas to help you get started:
Concept Development
1.Define the Objective:

Clearly articulate the main goal of your project. For instance, you want to explore the metaphor of communication between participants through time-based media files, analogous to microbial communication in the human body.

2.Scientific Parallel:

Understand and research microbial communication, such as quorum sensing and other signaling mechanisms. This will help you draw accurate and inspiring parallels in your art project.
Participant Invitation
1.Call for Contributions:
Create an open call inviting people to submit time-based media files. Specify the formats you accept (e.g., video, audio, animations).

Provide a theme or prompt that aligns with your concept, such as “communication,” “interconnectedness,” or “microbial life.”

2.Submission Guidelines:

Clearly define the duration, format, and quality requirements for the submissions.

Set a deadline for submissions and a method for contributors to upload their files.
Combining the Files
1.Collaboration Platform:

Choose a platform or software that allows for easy collection and combination of media files. Options include collaborative tools like Google Drive, Dropbox, or specialized software like Adobe Premiere Pro for video editing or Audacity for audio editing.

2.Integration Method:

Develop a method for integrating the files. This could be algorithmic, random, or manually curated to create interesting juxtapositions and narratives.

Consider using software that can automate some of this process if you expect a large number of contributions.
Art Exhibition
1. Presentation:

Decide how you will present the combined media files. Options include a physical installation, a digital exhibition, or a live performance.
Use projection, multi-screen displays, or immersive environments to enhance the viewer’s experience.

2. Contextualization:

Provide context for the audience by explaining the metaphor and the connection to microbial communication.
Create accompanying materials such as a brochure, website, or video explaining the concept and the process.
Interaction and Feedback
1.Audience Interaction:

Consider interactive elements where the audience can influence the media combination in real-time.

Use sensors, live feedback, or other interactive technologies to simulate the dynamic nature of microbial communication.

2. Feedback Loop:

Collect feedback from both contributors and viewers to understand the impact and perception of your work.
Use this feedback to refine and evolve your project in future iterations.
Documentation and Sharing
1. Document the Process:

Record each step of the project, from the call for contributions to the final presentation. This documentation can be part of the art piece itself.

Consider creating a making-of video or a blog series to share the journey with a wider audience.

2. Share the Outcomes:

Publish the final combined media files online to reach a broader audience.

Engage with online communities and platforms that focus on media art and experimental projects to share your work and gather more insights.

By following these steps, you can create a meaningful and engaging time-based media art project that not only explores the theme of communication but also involves a diverse range of contributors and audiences.

• aspect of discovering what was discovered many years ago – peruvian weaving lines.
• wanting to do research my way – not being guided to do it the way in which the dominate neurotypical past methods have been done.
• a neurodivergent approach
• isolation being a way to discover – a challenge to the established knowledge base.
• questioning how being in isolation becomes a reason to be criticised.
• forms of isolation
• my defining of isolation
• discussion around isolation
• feeling isolated in the crowd
• capacity to spin my own plates
• plates  of other people
• what forms of art to express the isolation
• discussion around the “fixers”
• discussion around language used to communicate
• awareness of reducing the masking affecting the attempt to fit it
• awareness of increasing doing it how best it feels right for me leading to potential isolation as i’m not doing it in the manner the dominant neuro style requires it to be done.
• awareness of how my mirroring style alteration leads to others not seeing me in their own mirror.
• an emerging (potential) correlation of isolation to masking style. is there a link between adaption of masking style and the feeling of isolation?
• isolation as psychological or physical or ratio between?
• how does isolation work as a positive within neurodivergent person?
• what are others saying about isolation?
• how is isolation considered currently?
• how does exploring adulthood play help to understand isolation/talk about isolation?
• does my leaving notes here on a blogging platform evoke isolation from content being read because this is not the expected form of writing in this place?
• being honest with myself and a wider context about how i don’t see myself in the contemporary art world. by this i mean that i look at works on the walls and the statements placed to help us and very rarely do i feel a part of me is in what i see or read. the net result of this is to feel i am not a part of this world. sometimes the feeling of i shouldn’t be doing what i am doing starts to feel overwhelming. a feeling of shame soon starts to emerge.

added later on in the day

• remembering emin’s statement that all undergraduate work is about identity and my rejection of that and the situation that ensued.
• space between self and identity.

sometime after 8 o’clock this morning, standing alone in our kitchen, i cried as i listened to the sounds of the automata swan being wound for play and the soundtrack that followed with accompanying voice over. later i reflected upon the power of art to transpose where one is and create a whole new unexpected experience.

the tears were joyous, the experience very real

its helped to lift me from the feelings of shame and low self worth following the very drawn out and painful wait to be told my research degree application was unsuccessful. that process and the wait for the outcome and all the other stuff i have gotten involved with has had a net effect. an effect i became aware of when those in my peer group were sharing posts/stories, and images of the new stuff, the latest exhibition and the outcome of the recent hard work. the net effect was a feeling of me being isolated and in the same place, despite all the effort and work put in.

the research degree outcome was difficult to talk about – at first.

i can now at least talk to friends about it without crying due to the overwhelming emotion that has been rising.

in the spirit of embracing what you have – it seems to be time to start documenting the research into being isolated and due this through a methodology of play – adulthood play.

i did want to start an instagram account i could leave private and post new images to that. having thought about it for weeks, when i attmepmpted it this afternoon my accounts i tried to start have all been suspended due to violation of terms.

instead i have downloaded an app to my phone that i can share images to in a private manner. my exploration of isolation and its documentation being only visible by me.

in the spirit of it only exists if its documented – welcome to the documentation of that research.

this blog is experimental in so much as i’m experimenting with recording the current feeling(s) situation(s) i am within so that in time i can revisit this blog/post(s) to see where i was relative to where i am.

central to the current frame of mind is waiting the hear the outcome from a research degree application. as the time elapsed is 11 weeks out of the 12 set by the institution my gut feeling is that the institutions answer will be negative towards me following a course of research with them.

this current middle ground is proving to  be a place space to inhabit and my overall mental health is suffering while i wait for the yes/on outcome.

in trying to move forward, i’m stuck.

as long as i can keep the application away from my conscious thinking i feel ok. when thinking about the application my rejection sensitivity dysphoria (rsd) peaks to near unbearable levels.

being realistic, i knew that going into the application process there was always going to be an unsuccesful outcome. this was something i had already experienced and maybe i went into the consideration time a little too confident.

the biggest difficulty for me at the moment is the lack of openness and honesty about the consideration process. i hold the experience of a peer next to mine. they have had an offer of a place, they applied slightly before me. what makes the pain greater for me is the lack of constructive communication for so long. in social media i understand there is a term of ghosting. i believe this to be when a message isn’t replied to, even though its been read.

i’ve checked with a psychology site and ghosting is about the disappearance of someone. so not quite that but very near to it.

for the record for myself, the rsd at the moment is causing the negative self image to be amplified. how did you get on repairing this?

i would like to repair and move forward. in my estimation this week is the 12th week of 12. all i have to look forward to is the wording of the email i anticipate to recieve around the topic of  it hasn’t been possible to find a supervision team for you.  i would also want some feedback as to what it was about the proposal that proved so difficult to find a second academic to join the first i had been speaking with for about 10 months.

so to my future self i ask this; did you do enough self care to ensure you got through the time that followed the publication of this post?