this blog is experimental in so much as i’m experimenting with recording the current feeling(s) situation(s) i am within so that in time i can revisit this blog/post(s) to see where i was relative to where i am.
central to the current frame of mind is waiting the hear the outcome from a research degree application. as the time elapsed is 11 weeks out of the 12 set by the institution my gut feeling is that the institutions answer will be negative towards me following a course of research with them.
this current middle ground is proving to be a place space to inhabit and my overall mental health is suffering while i wait for the yes/on outcome.
in trying to move forward, i’m stuck.
as long as i can keep the application away from my conscious thinking i feel ok. when thinking about the application my rejection sensitivity dysphoria (rsd) peaks to near unbearable levels.
being realistic, i knew that going into the application process there was always going to be an unsuccesful outcome. this was something i had already experienced and maybe i went into the consideration time a little too confident.
the biggest difficulty for me at the moment is the lack of openness and honesty about the consideration process. i hold the experience of a peer next to mine. they have had an offer of a place, they applied slightly before me. what makes the pain greater for me is the lack of constructive communication for so long. in social media i understand there is a term of ghosting. i believe this to be when a message isn’t replied to, even though its been read.
i’ve checked with a psychology site and ghosting is about the disappearance of someone. so not quite that but very near to it.
for the record for myself, the rsd at the moment is causing the negative self image to be amplified. how did you get on repairing this?
i would like to repair and move forward. in my estimation this week is the 12th week of 12. all i have to look forward to is the wording of the email i anticipate to recieve around the topic of it hasn’t been possible to find a supervision team for you. i would also want some feedback as to what it was about the proposal that proved so difficult to find a second academic to join the first i had been speaking with for about 10 months.
so to my future self i ask this; did you do enough self care to ensure you got through the time that followed the publication of this post?
the tricky second post – these were the words that have been on my mind for several hours and they refer to the nature of writing the second post after the euphoria felt at actually getting the blog started a few days ago.
“so where do i go now” a lyric within the song i was listening to at the time, appropriate as i ruminate about what to / where to go next.
a bit more context for this blog…
it is at a time when i feel very left behind, alone and very nearly isolated. therefore it is a necessary strategy for the blog to be matter of fact, written from my perspective and in a way that speaks of my connections to other people in an anonymous manner. the blog is very much my own point of view, an exploration of it, a charting of it as i research if i am still an artist. coming into june 2024 i feel a very long way a away from this. when i talk about it at the with others i do back myself to them. on the inside it feels very different.
confidence is about one thing, knowing you back yourself when things are getting tough. you believe in yourself to turn things around.
baroness karen brady
so in my mind the second post was going to be about me bounding the strategy for the way i propose to write the forthcoming posts and as such overcome the trickiness of the second post.
having mowed a lawn, i seek rest on a sofa and to begin to collate the happenings in my mind, as a means to try to understand and reconsile efforts of recent months that have yielded little.
this blog is going to be experimental. experimental in terms of language and perspective.
as always i am experiencing the difference in writing this post in my mind over the past few days and writing it actually with a computer. there was some doubt about whether to commit to it and wait. i had to be honest with myself about if i didn’t start it on a neat date, i would continue to write only in my mind.
my mind is racing with interests i need to include and typing that fast is something i am yet to master. what i see arrive on the page is the present tense compromise of what i think i want to say and what actually is being said.
i am backing myself within “the result”, a result that is yet to be initiated.
there is something i need to add now, there has in my past been anger at the world and recent realisation of my rejection sensitivity dsyphoria (rsd), the connection with adhd and by association autisim, is on top of the formally known about dyslexia. dsylexia with the emotional and mental implications for myself. as this narrative from me unfolds, i aim to be mindful of the anger and to view this through the multiple neurodivergent lenses.
to facilitate these lenses i intend to adopt a people centred language and to experience how this transpires.
the lonliness and isolation i feel isn’t a bad thing, i want to embrace it, understand it and move with it. from this position i can only improve the feeling of connectedness, something that is an important thing for me to feel. this is while accepting that there are condtions of self that mean i do shy away from situations.
