this blog is experimental in so much as i’m experimenting with recording the current feeling(s) situation(s) i am within so that in time i can revisit this blog/post(s) to see where i was relative to where i am.
central to the current frame of mind is waiting the hear the outcome from a research degree application. as the time elapsed is 11 weeks out of the 12 set by the institution my gut feeling is that the institutions answer will be negative towards me following a course of research with them.
this current middle ground is proving to be a place space to inhabit and my overall mental health is suffering while i wait for the yes/on outcome.
in trying to move forward, i’m stuck.
as long as i can keep the application away from my conscious thinking i feel ok. when thinking about the application my rejection sensitivity dysphoria (rsd) peaks to near unbearable levels.
being realistic, i knew that going into the application process there was always going to be an unsuccesful outcome. this was something i had already experienced and maybe i went into the consideration time a little too confident.
the biggest difficulty for me at the moment is the lack of openness and honesty about the consideration process. i hold the experience of a peer next to mine. they have had an offer of a place, they applied slightly before me. what makes the pain greater for me is the lack of constructive communication for so long. in social media i understand there is a term of ghosting. i believe this to be when a message isn’t replied to, even though its been read.
i’ve checked with a psychology site and ghosting is about the disappearance of someone. so not quite that but very near to it.
for the record for myself, the rsd at the moment is causing the negative self image to be amplified. how did you get on repairing this?
i would like to repair and move forward. in my estimation this week is the 12th week of 12. all i have to look forward to is the wording of the email i anticipate to recieve around the topic of it hasn’t been possible to find a supervision team for you. i would also want some feedback as to what it was about the proposal that proved so difficult to find a second academic to join the first i had been speaking with for about 10 months.
so to my future self i ask this; did you do enough self care to ensure you got through the time that followed the publication of this post?
