a humbling weekend, a realisation of just how on the edge i was mentally. to have gotten through that has left me smaller and more real.
two years of attempting a research degree application has helped me to realise i was doing what i thought i needed to to. now i feel calmer. calmer because i’m not trying to fuel a construct i thought that i need to create – the difference being i now know about my neurodivergence. time to give my self sometime, relax about my identity because apart from those i come into contact with, no one else particularity cares about it.
if i am going to try one last time for a research degree, it needs to be wholeheartedly what i want to do. i need to let go of the fear of it not being good enough, i need to left go of the inner monologue telling me no one will care about what you are interested in. it needs to reflect where i am at the moment. a late diagnosed neurodivergent individual with an art practice what has had some success – works being funded or featuring in a museum’s permanent collection but there being no easily recognisable thread through all the works. an interest in adulthood play but paradoxically reluctance to really immerse self in this for fear of rejection – a part of the neurodivergence, now better understood.
int he past i have not understood the strength in a work i make being similar to something already made – often i would totally reject an idea because it felt like something similar had already been made and shown enough for me to have known about it.
i can see how my actions were actions of self isolation – that i had no idea i was doing to my self.
now with the isolation project trickling along i have more space for self. no longer putting energy into sustaining the construct i thought i needed as an identity.
a lesson in not caring what others think.
i feel good at the moment. i am working on believing that when i take stock again of how i feel it will still be good.
