i have to admit to having a habit of writing cryptically, writing around what i really am saying. i open thus because today is a day for honesty. today i have contacted an academic referee to let them know i am not going to apply to a research degree opportunity i had previously said i would.
this makes the decision real, rather than a thought of something i might commit to.
in the email i am honest about what i have learnt so far, both professionally and more importunately personally about my self and my neurodivergence.
i know in my self that a part of wanting to be a research student was for the sense of belonging with the cohort and the university. what i am left with is a feeling of isolation and it is this feeling that starts the onward journey.
from the out set i don’t want to feel isolated.
seeing that written down immediately there is a sense of the antithesis of that – i want to be seen for me, be applauded for what i do and this is from a point of view of what i create, what i express, what i explore to get to those.
i seem to put my self in positions where i support others, i even have a part time job where i do this. what i am lacking is a sense of my self being seen, being heard, being listened to.
on the recent celebrity in the jungle show in the uk i heard the phrase “they have their own angle on life, their own perspective.” i sat with the notion of what is my angle on life? its probably a metaphor that is dynamic and potentially difficult to quantify as a number. maybe quantifying it is the last thing to do.
earlier i said
i want to be seen for me, be applauded for what i do
it is time to start again doing what i do.
