its tough – being honest with one self about where one is. the gap between the real and the aspiration.
i came to add another post where i write about the infinite struggle and all that goes with it. another post where i air my thoughts about giving up – accepting my lot is restocking the dishwasher, tidying the garden and going to roles where i work with other people to help them fulfill their aspirations.
yes i have been feeling sorry for myself. yes i have been here many times before and many times before i plough on with a smile and being present.
each time i do have an evolved insight yet remembering what that is is where a the problems sits. the near overwhelming feeling of being in the same loop and going around it at varying speeds, all the attempts to do something different falling short.
i look at the window – sunshine. thoughts of a walk, being pulled by our sprollie, listening to an uplifting mix – parts of the circle to maintain some sort of pride and momentum.
remember to eat, to sleep.
i wrote something about external control of mood, deleted it and wrote about writing it and deleting it.
to what extent is my gap between reality and aspiration a manifestation of the neurodivergent conditions i have? as manifestations they become all engulfing and i yearn for an outlet that fulfils the neurodivergent aspiration. as casey stoner the australian motorcycle racer once said and badly paraphrasing it as i can;t quite remember the full thing – i looked it up – stoner said “does your ambition outweigh your talent”. he said it of a competitor after a race. so does my thinking what i can do/achieve outweigh my ability? by the evidence i have – yes.
on reflection, i need to be more realistic about what i put myself up for and accept this to be as good as it’ll get.
in time i hope to be able to learn to live with this.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RUgfXFqo_gM&t=3s
