I have started to see again and since the retreat I meet Richard again to discuss my needs- I need to stop applying to opportunities and focus on the making, making solo work. But what is my solo work and how I do I make?
We meet in Hertford this time- I'm on home territory and it feels good. We walk to my local pub and both avoid alcohol- we knew we had to sort this out once and for all- he knew he had to sort me out once and for all. Before this meeting I have got into creating 'agenda's' for mentoring sessions and any other associated meetings. I have found the format really useful and a productive way to get all the information across and identify needs. They usually start with 'news' then a mentoring agenda with notes, reminders and AOB. Richard had received this copy prior to our meeting.
It was a pleasant evening, I was relaxed and found myself talking about my family, my up bringing, my parents and the village I lived in which is now where my studio is. Without knowing, this conversation had become interesting, filled with content, stories, a fondness and unease towards the information I was sharing. I had not spoke to Richard about my family before- he found it interesting, being out of London helped, I started to realise this was a big part of me that has been hidden up till now. It soon became clear that there was something in this to be explored.
Richard Suggests another meeting- I suggest a workshop, Im fed up with talking about it, I need to start, to make, to 'feel' it to get physical, I want it to start so that I can continue, get going, be in it, find it again, I wanted that more than anything right now. He agreed- we set a date it would be in a week- we would meet in Sandon Village hall- I knew it well from my childhood and teenage years, it was a big part of my up bringing, my family, my mother and continues to be. We would start by playing with some materials.
I was looking forward to it.
Good news- I have written an artist statement- This has given me much confidence. I thought it would never come.
Continued…
Back at the retreat- shared concerns and needs for the region were shared- we identified what we had and where we wanted to go and what we needed to get there. Confidence was a shared issue and in a bid to raise this Helen and Leslie created an exercise in which we fed single adjectives to each other as responses to how we perceived each others work, practice. I thought I would share with you the words fed back to me: Conceptual, energetic, has integrity, honest, ghosted by Ben, weird, quirky, thoughtful, more solo work please, confident, humorous and fun, genuine.
I left feeling uplifted, with a sense of belonging, exposed, but in a good way, wiser, driven, normal and excited. The 12 participants created a syncronized swim on the Sunday for Ants birthday–we might do more.
Not sure where the last month has gone and feel adement to use this more regularly now. I have been going through a transition, one which is exciting. For the last 4 months I have been floating- feeling excited about my Escalator status but also filled with and uncontrollable anxiety regarding my use of it. I was finding it hard, have found it hard, the panic and pressure has taken over and I have felt too concerned to do something 'good' for the people who have supported me to receive this. However I have worked a lot out. The turn around I think has been my mentoring sessions with Richard layzell and specifically a rural retreat I attnded organised by Anthony Roberts for artists in the East to re-group-group- discuss practice, share practice and work with artist Leslie Hill and Helen Paris. It was great to be back around like minded people, from my region, all who face the same problems and anxietys as me. Some too also benefiting from funding. The first night we were asked to create a Pecha Kucha Powerpoint, 20slides, 6 minuets. I had not created one of these before but found the task really useful. It hepled me understand much about mysefl, my work and how I operate as an artist. i identified a lack of content in my talk- the presentation filled with opportunitites I had been involved and presented the breadth of work I had made both collaboratively and solo but it lacked current content, current ideas and a current investigation- what am I making work about? What am I creating now? What are my ideas? This worried me but I knew it was this that I needed to start to spend time doing. I needed to foucus on the work- my work as just Holly- re discover my working practices and create some new work. It was a revelation but alos seemed daunting- again I was putting myself under pressure- I knew I had to do this but what were my ideas? and how would I start?.
The weekend continued- I left briefly Saturday to perform with jenny as Hunt & Darton in Peckham for Mark McGowens Village idiot affair- A street performance. We did our performance on Peckham high street. I just went there, did it and returned to the retreat, just like that! I enjoyed performing in the public realm, hardly anyone was bothered. Using the loudspeaker outside changed the use of the loudspeaker massively.
