I have felt stuck for some time now, after the refusal at Cockpit Arts. I have tried to work out how to find my own rightness in my ceramic work and in my painting and I always feel lost and with lack of direction. Two books and some deep dreams have pointed out to me the real problem. One book was the Zen of creative painting by Jeanne Carbonetti and the Tao of watercolour. These antique oriental theories are not so far from Jewish spiritualism in a certain way and I can relate to them. The thing that touched me most was the theory that one has to let the deep inner creativity rise to the surface and then we will experience the rightness of work. If we are in tune with the self the work produced has integrity and this is what I can’t yet do. I have tried to follow the Author’s suggestion to make my own “Mandala” but then I was unsure on how to read it, I still did not know where to go.
Then it happened quite by accident while I was writing my 500 words project for the Ma application. I absentmindedly drew a doodle with arrows going higher and further and then quite without thinking my hand put a barrier cutting across the higher arrows. I was stunned by my subconscious’ work revealing that I block myself in. Something in me does not allow me to let go to reach that deep space of true inspiration of true freedom. It is an old problem resurfacing. For many years I hoped it would go away and solve itself without me having to unravel it, but I think now I know I have to face it if I want to find my real artist’s self. I went to Laura to ask her if she new a colleague psychoanalyst to whom I can go, and she said she could try and help me, and she suggested another book to read: Susan Jeffers “Feel the fear and do it anyway”. I immediately bought it and realized a minute later that it is not for me. I do not have a problem with self-esteem and with taking decisions I am always very proud of changing my life and finding solutions and I am in tune with my needs. I actually feel I have the opposite problem, I always act too much instead to stop and let my self feel. I am too rational and in control, I don’t like to wait and let my subconscious take over.
It happened with the decision to make functional ceramics, instead to explore a deeper conceptual me. I did not have the courage to go through a completely unknown path. May be now with the Ma is the time to finally free myself.
