What a thin and brittle thing this balance between practice and living is. I feel like last night made a big crack that will take some time to be repaired. I'm not talking about a plastering over, I mean properly filled in and sanded over and everything.
Sorry to carry on in building metaphors, but I feel like instead of painting and adding decorative touches round the sides, I really need to go back to the structure and make it more solid.
I'm leaving the house now, (physically and metaphorically!).
So very tired this morning. Workshop in a youth centre in Everton for Tate last night. A very challenging workshop in Everton last night.. a few glimpses of making progress, but mostly it fell flat.. partly down to me overestimating their confidence and rushing in to the task in hand, but also because there was no one there who knew the kids: the youth workers were just needed elsewhere. You can't just pop into these places and create masterpieces, relationships take so much time and insight (and training!!!).
I always spend hours getting these things ready and it's disheartening when it doesn't go to plan. If I plan sculpture I will need paint. Hoping to get blokes more involved last night with wire and pliars, I could've actually done with loads of jewellery making things as it was full of girls. Working at the Tate sidesteps these problems as there is a treasure trove of stuff round the corner, but going out somewhere, I will always have a slight fail. They are coming down to the Tate on Saturday so I hope that changes the dynamic somewhat.
This is how a lot of artists I know help fund themselves (not that being paid for one job should fund another – that still doesn't constitute getting paid) and it's an important role. Schools/youth clubs really need more connection with the arts, especially with professional artists who have their own practice and that can bring the conceptual and problem solving skills, not to mention confidence building. It's another way of showing what's possible, and to help find routes to prosperity. The youth club I was at last night has seen two teenagers fatally stabbed in the last six months; one was there for the first time and was only 15. It's just so sad, and seems quite helpless when you're stood brandishing a pencil and a bit of garden wire at a bunch of people who are pelting each other with anything to hand.
I was quite surprised at how much of a dent in my own confidence it made too – I came back and had a moan at my husband about the fact that I had a total fail. He was, as always, a real pragmatist and very supportive and encouraging. In my head I was going through my usual fraud complex and then started thinking that my own work wasn't any good etc etc. I did manage to give myself a good talking to, write an action list and I went to bed with no brain left.
In terms of money, it is well paid work (although there is almost always extra time put in), but there is a reason for that: it's bloody hard work! Perhaps a job in a coffee shop is a better option if you want any brain space left?
There is another session tonight at another youth centre down the road however, so I'd better suck it up and have a good think…….
I am not always this serious by the way.
Ayn Rand and things.
I have had an email from a student at a local (ish) university asking me about my blog over the weekend. They were quite concerned that I was giving away a lot of my knowledge/strategies away for free. Wasn't I worried that other people would use my thoughts to further their own careers?
There is so much advice and career development out there, I hardly feel like my blog is going to be the thing that shows people the way to a glittering career. I also believe that people can read all they liked, but it will only make a difference if they act upon it.
In the Simpsons last night (it was a bank holiday people!) Maggie went to the Ayn Rand Nursery, laden with slogans such as 'Helping is futile!'. Two of my favourite books, Atlas Shrugged and The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand purport her philosophy, which is a particularly selfish brand of capitalism. Although the stories are gripping in both books, the characters are bizarre (especially the female protagonists, presumably her) and they have dubious moral values to say the least. It has beens shown that Ayn Rand's philosohpy, Objectivism, as well as her institute all receive more attention and followers during a recession. Often celebrities are fans, with Angelina Jolie starring in the remake of Atlas Shrugged soon I believe. The rich want to stay rich, but more importantly, believe that they are entitled to be and to be jealous of all they have.
I always think artists can be a little bit like this in their behaviour. Okay, so it's a harsh comparison, but you know what I mean; looking after number one. Something I do keep wittering on about is the fact that artists do not help each other enough, (I don't mean painting pictures for people, or calling galleries on their behalf, just a little generosity with time or advice). A lot of this industry is extremely personal and artists need to find their own way of doing things and learn from experience. But telling someone not to bother hiring a gallery, or offering advice about a residency that would be perfect for their work takes no effort and doesn't hurt you. Helping is not futile: it strengthens networks and you may find that links you make come back to reward you.
Take care of yourself, and each other – right?
I thought I would feel terrible: I have just sent an email to my studio group telling them I am leaving to go to the Royal Standard (another space in Liverpool), however, I am mainly relieved. I will have a space, with a contract, wireless, working woodwork tools, other people working in it (actually, the newest members to Wolstenholme have been incredibly hard working – it is the old-school contingent I am referring to). It is good and I am very content. Did I mention the parking spaces?
I am sad and I will miss that place and a lot of the people, but it had become pretty toxic for my practice and I was turning into an arts administrator.
Moving in on Monday, so until then I shall be mentally arranging my new space.
It is more expensive, but then (I think) also better value. I do want to get paid, but I am also aware that it is not always about the money and that this is an investment for the long term.
