I’ve been having to write my entries in notepad this weekend, because I can’t seem to concentrate for more than two minutes at a time. Got lots of reading/writing to do and none of it is coming very easily.
I did a talk/some tutorials at Sheffield Hallum last week and it reminded me of a few things I have been thinking about, mostly slow burn careers. It also made me question how I talk about my own work – I usually manage to get round it a bit by talking about money and things. But, as this was a professional practice lecture series, I could only talk in terms of my own experience. So, for the first time in ages, I went through my experiences since BA (8 years ago) until today, warts an all.
I realised I put myself down a lot and I thought afterwards that maybe I should have done two talks – one presenting the glossy, perfect timeline in retrospect way, and then the same talk again, but with the problems and everything included. That might be a better way to illustrate the reality of it, and would highlight the fact that often you will only see glossy talks. Oh well, lesson learned.
I heard myself saying at one point (to 3yr BA’s) ‘I’m not that much further ahead than you lot really’. I had to think then, because, actually, I know that I’ve been working my arse off for ages, and it feels like it’s just starting to build into something. But obviously I have some issues still feeling like a graduate. The terms ’emerging’ and ‘mid-career’ are difficult ones and I see myself as floating between the two. As I started giving too much of myself away at the end of the talk (always uncomfortable when it’s not a dialogue) I said something about money. This is one of the things that is trapping me, and my work in the former category: I find it very difficult to imagine making things that cost more than, well, not much.
At YSP they asked what I might need for a production budget and I couldn’t answer: I knew if I said a number it would be ridiculously low. When they said that the book budget would have to be under £2,000 I stuggled not to let out a whoop.
Basically I am like the bloke in Warrington who won millions on the lottery but just moved round the corner to a bigger house and upgraded his car to the new model. It’s not that I don’t have ideas that I want and can’t afford to make, quite the contrary, but I don’t know how to make the leap. I am daunted by project managing rather than making things myself and am not confident of my ability to deliver, having never done it before and therefore I avoid applying for opportunities with ‘proper’ budgets.
There, look – I just gave too much of myself away again…
